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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I need to get a grip? Wedding related

72 replies

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 13:38

Hi,

I am getting married in november this year, just a small one I am very excited.

My best friend of 20 years got engaged at christmas and has booked her wedding for two weeks after mine. I thought it was a bit off but hey ho I don't own the time or anything. Hers is a 'destination' wedding involving a flight and about a 5 hour journey. This will be after work on a friday arriving at midnight, return on sunday.

She is then having a wedding in our home town the following weekend. She has just sent out proposed dates for her hen do - a week before my hen do and a week before my wedding. She is having two hen dos.

I really dont know whether AIBU to be annoyed at this? I just feel like I am being eclipsed. Please feel free to hand me a grip if it is required.

OP posts:

00100001 · 14/02/2017 15:14

Madness.

Just don't go tot he overseas bit? She can't force you

Why is she having two hen dos??

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 15:16

She is having an overnight stay somewhere then something in our home town for the people who dont go away.

OP posts:

diddl · 14/02/2017 15:33

I don't think I'd be going to the destination bit tbh.

What's she planning for back home-hen do(although already married) & a party to celebrate with those who didn't make it to the wedding?

picklemepopcorn · 14/02/2017 15:45

Has she already sent out her invitations? Does she realise the difficulties involved in you both being key to each others weddings, so close together?

Is she in education too, and equally limited by school terms?

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 14/02/2017 15:48

Just to mix things up a bit... I think maybe YABU to be annoyed. There are lots of reasons which might have driven her decision to book her wedding then. And it could be really nice! A few weeks of lots of fun wedding events! However, I also think that she would be unreasonable if she got annoyed if you said there were bits of her wedding celebrations that you can't do because of your own wedding. You shouldn't let yourself get stressed - just do as much as you feel able to do. She should understand that.

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 15:54

No she hasnt sent invites, no she is not limited by school terms can book holiday whenever.

Her second wedding is for the people not invited to the first wedding

OP posts:

00100001 · 14/02/2017 16:28

Just tell her you won't be able to make the overseas wedding, due to your wedding.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 14/02/2017 16:44

I think she'll find that her wedding celebrations will be slightly diluted because of what she expects from people
You must back off organising her hen do , concentrate on your big day not hers
You sound like a considerate bride

manicinsomniac · 14/02/2017 18:09

If it was my best friend and there was an overlap of 10 for the hen dos, I'd be suggesting a joint hen do. It could be really fun and you can organise it together. Otherwise, you've both just go too much work to do. Is she your bridesmaid and is she organising your hen?

I think she's mad to make her dates so close to yours if she's got a choice but again, this is your best friend we're talking about. Don't fall out over a wedding.

Ethylred · 14/02/2017 18:17

Your friendship seems to be conditional on remaining under her thumb. Grow a pair spine.

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 18:19

10 includes partners so its only really a group of 5. I dont want a joint hen weekend, we have different ideas of what is fun on a night out!
Im not having bridesmaids and no she isn't organising my hen, I am.

OP posts:

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 18:20

I am really not under her thumb, this isnt like her at all.

OP posts:

Solasum · 14/02/2017 18:23

Joint hen do locally, you go to her foreign wedding and help on the day only as bridesmaid. You can make excuses for everything else.

Only1scoop · 14/02/2017 18:24

I would just go along with what you're comfortable with doing then Op.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 14/02/2017 18:28

How strong is her relationship I wonder? Could this be a sticking plaster marriage?

mya83 · 14/02/2017 18:37

You definitely need to speak to her about this. Sorrels suggestions of what to say are good- if she's any sort of friend she will understand. If she doesn't she's not a good friend!

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 18:40

I don't think it is a sticking plaster, they are very happy together and I am happy for them. Just dont know why they couldnt book more than two weeks away from my wedding.
My hen do is already planned so it wont be joint - I dont want it to be either.

I will just mention about being really busy and suggest she asks her other bridesmaid to plan the hen.

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 14/02/2017 18:49

If she's that good a friend, sit her down and ask if there's a problem and if she asks why tell her exactly what you've said here.
If she's a good friend she'll understand.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/02/2017 08:37

I think that's a very good idea, and hope she realises she's being a bit of a tit, expecting you to organise her hen do as well as your own, and your own wedding.

sonyaya · 15/02/2017 09:51

Honestly this does sound very inconsiderate and like she isn't bothered about your wedding at all. But don't worry about being eclipsed. Given she's having 2 hens and 2 weddings people will just think she's high maintenance and be far more excited for your lovely day!

Lucked · 15/02/2017 09:57

I think you are in it now and she is being thoughtless but not worth ruining a 20 year friendship over. I do think you can abdicate responsibility for planning to the bride herself and the other bridesmaids. Perhaps talk to the other bridesmaids yourself and tell them they are going to have to help with the plannnng, they will understand.

notnowfrank · 15/02/2017 10:09

Blimey. All this is happening in the run up to Christmas too?! If your wedding is in November, and hers is a fortnight later, with a repeat performance the following weekend, that must take it well into December. How is anyone going to get any Christmas shopping/planning done?! Why does she need two hen nights?

I think the fact that she's planning to annexe four weekends between, I guess, late October and mid-December suggests she's not really thinking about how this might impact on your her guests' available time. Add in your own wedding plans and you're perfectly within the bounds of reasonableness to tell her that you simply don't have enough hours in the day to arrange her hen night, at the VERY LEAST.

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