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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I need to get a grip? Wedding related

72 replies

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 13:38

Hi,

I am getting married in november this year, just a small one I am very excited.

My best friend of 20 years got engaged at christmas and has booked her wedding for two weeks after mine. I thought it was a bit off but hey ho I don't own the time or anything. Hers is a 'destination' wedding involving a flight and about a 5 hour journey. This will be after work on a friday arriving at midnight, return on sunday.

She is then having a wedding in our home town the following weekend. She has just sent out proposed dates for her hen do - a week before my hen do and a week before my wedding. She is having two hen dos.

I really dont know whether AIBU to be annoyed at this? I just feel like I am being eclipsed. Please feel free to hand me a grip if it is required.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/02/2017 14:12

You cannot plan a wedding and a hen do for someone. I had the week off work before I got married & didn't manage to wash my hair for 5 days.

It's stressful, and I had everything sorted quite well but it's still stressful.

SorrelSoup · 14/02/2017 14:13

This is too much! You will have to say no and the reason is that, you know, you're busy with your own wedding. Any idea why she's picked these dates? Is she actually still a good friend, or is now just an old friend?

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 14:16

Someone asked about money - yes we can afford to go to her wedding so close to ours. Ours is a small wedding so its not going to bankrupt us.

In terms of time - I am not able to take any days off work to do any sort of wedding stuff so weekends are really key for my planning.

Do you really think I should say no to being a bridesmaid? It just seems so serious?!

OP posts:

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 14:17

I dont know why she picked these dates, no idea. There is no reason for it.

OP posts:

SorrelSoup · 14/02/2017 14:19

What does she expect? She must be so self-centred. There's got to be something else going on with her! She's totally hijacking; it's not normal. I'm really annoyed for you and I'm not a wedding lover myself!

Only1scoop · 14/02/2017 14:20

If I was having a 'destination wedding' I'd be paying for my Bridesmaid to travel and stay anyway. I cannot imagine expecting you to foot the bill for that.
As for the rest of the show I think I'd politely duck out of the organising side. Time being your factor. You have to sort your own wedding out.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 14/02/2017 14:20

If she's such a close friend she must have some redeeming features, and understand that for you, your wedding has priority over hers.

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 14:30

The weird thing about this is that I would have never expected her to do this - she has never been 'into weddings' she doesn't really like going out and never wants to cause a fuss. So how has she got to this point with her wedding?! I dont get where its come from.

OP posts:

Cakingbad · 14/02/2017 14:33

Don't plan her hen do. Somebody else can do that, you're too busy.
But don't fall out with her over her mad wedding plans. Good friends don't grow on trees and when it's all over she will go back to her old self and will probably laugh about her crazy wedding year.

Starlight2345 · 14/02/2017 14:33

I think you need to have a realistic chat to her..

You can tell her you will be busy organising your wedding to organising a hen do.

You sounds like you want to go to her wedding so that isn't an issue.

Tell her while you want to be at her wedding if she expected much more organising than turning up in a nice dress and helping her out on the day you need to just be a guest. My bridesmaid only helped me day before. Been a bridesmaid these days seems like cheap labour not really an honour.

Are you having a hen do? when is yours and is it a big affair?

Cakingbad · 14/02/2017 14:36

My oldest friend was a wedding nightmare. Made me fly to another country for a bridesmaid dress to be fitted and her own dress was drama after drama. She just went temporarily mad for a few months but is now completely sane again and never even thinks about that wedding. (She has since married again in fact.)

EweAreHere · 14/02/2017 14:37

I would just sit her down and lay it out for her. Your own wedding is in the middle of all this, but just because it's smaller and more low key doesn't mean you don't have a lot of other stuff going on. She is asking for too much from you. Yes, you will go to one of her wedding's (right?), but no, you won't be planning her hen do(s!) for her and filling up your time with a second wedding for her.

It's not all about her.

SorrelSoup · 14/02/2017 14:39

I think you're just beginning to process this. So, it is strange behaviour then. Having a hen do immediately prior to your wedding or your hen do is not gravy. The trouble is you can't really say anything without looking like a precious arse. I'd just say no due to having too much on with your own wedding as that is completely legitimate. Obviously you can't attend a hen do the weekend prior to your wedding but of preparations for YOUR WEDDING. Can't you plan a honeymoon so you don't even have to go to her wedding???

kingpin20 · 14/02/2017 14:40

She does know you're getting married, right?

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 14:45

To be honest I would love to have a good excuse not to go to her destination wedding, working all day then at least a 5 hour journey really does not appeal to me. But I work in education so can only take certain days holiday - why I chose my wedding date. Funnily enough I didnt chose to get married in the summer holidays because of another close friends hen then wedding.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2017 14:45

Without giving too much away, is this right - the schedule around both your and your friend's weddings is going to look something like this:

Her hen do 1, Your hen do, Her hen do 2, Your wedding, a weekend off (when presumably you'll be on honeymoon? are you allowed?) and then her abroad wedding 1, and THEN her home wedding 2? So between you, you're occupying 6 out of 7 weekends? Man, those 10 people who are on both guest lists are going to really have to love you, plus have no lives of their own to do all that!

Please tell her that you cannot possibly arrange her hen do(s) while simultaneously doing your own, and your wedding.

And yes, I'd seriously consider backing out of being bridesmaid too - it's too much!

Plus, it does rather look like she's staged it all deliberately around your wedding for some reason - maybe oneupmanship, maybe not, but it's odd.

HecateAntaia · 14/02/2017 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoKn0wsWhereTheTimeG0es · 14/02/2017 14:48

Will you be back off your own honeymoon? Does she not realise that you might be quite busy with your own wedding plans in the run up to hers? I would just say sorry, you've got too much to do for your own wedding to be a bridesmaid for her.

trevortrevorslattery · 14/02/2017 14:53

YANBU and no grip needed.
I think you would be totally reasonable to back out of planning hen and being bridesmaid

MatildaTheCat · 14/02/2017 14:53

Unless you are good enough friends to share a hen do then apologise and say you cannot do it the justice it deserves.

Weddings can overlap so it's not a biggy unless she starts throwing her toys out of the pram.

Maybe approach this with a 'how can we make this work?' Attitude. It often serves me well.

Original poster

5432112345 · 14/02/2017 14:54

Its not quite that close together there is a gap between hen dos and wedding. But yes we would return from honeymoon on sunday then fly to her wedding on the friday - sun. Then her second wedding the following saturday.

OP posts:

SorrelSoup · 14/02/2017 14:54

And if she's offended you'll just have to let her get on with being offended. Practise some phrases: "but you knew I was getting married on x", "obviously my priority has to be my own wedding", "sorry I've got too much on with my own wedding, you were aware of the date" etc.

29redshoes · 14/02/2017 15:04

Don't back out of being her bridesmaid, OP. That is such a typical MN suggestion. It's all very well for people to suggest others cut off their oldest friends from behind a computer screen . Yes, she would be very upset, and yes it would damage your friendship.

To answer your original question though, YANBU and she sounds like a bit of a princess but hey ho, weddings do turn some people slightly crazy. Nobody's perfect.

29redshoes · 14/02/2017 15:06

Having said that...I do think it might be worth having a friendly chat about you not organising her hen do. Can someone else do that part?!

specialsubject · 14/02/2017 15:10

While the dates aren't an issue - many people will get married at the same time as you - having to do her work is. She wants parties, she organises them.

Sounds like either a friend who isnt, or a bad case of frilly frock for brains. Have an adult chat and if she chucks the toys, ask what has come over her.

It is only a wedding.

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