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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To be upset by this?

39 replies

LogicalOperations · 13/02/2017 23:28

My DD is 14 and has a "friend" who she sees occasionally outside school but they are not friends in school.

The Mum of DD's friend asked me to have her daughter for a sleepover as they did not want to leave her on her own while they went out for the evening.

I agreed to have the girl for a sleepover. Before the friend arrived, she texted my DD to ask her to keep the sleepover secret as she didn't want people to talk about it. DD asked her why she wanted it kept secret, but the friend just said that she didn't want people talking about the sleepover.

My DD is gutted and I really feel for her. DD fees that the "friend" must be embarrassed to be associated with her as DD feels that she is not considered to be one of the cool kids.

Would anyone else be offended by this behaviour? I have to say, we were so upset for DD. Are we being over-sensitive?

OP posts:
ProudBadMum · 13/02/2017 23:30

Tell everyone that the friend needed babysitting Grin

14 year olds are weird.

Amandahugandkisses · 13/02/2017 23:30

I sometimes tell DD not to boast about parties and sleepovers as not to make others feel left out. I think it's this.

SumThucker · 13/02/2017 23:30

No, I absolutely agree with you, would upset me for her and piss me off in equal measure.

GoofyIsACow · 13/02/2017 23:30

I don't think you are being over sensitive... poor dd. Not sure what she should do though...

DontTouchTheMoustache · 13/02/2017 23:31

Well if they are not friends in school then they are not 'friends'. It's very mean if the other girl so I feel sorry for your daughter, it must be a very unpleasant feeling for her.

Birdsgottaf1y · 13/02/2017 23:32

Perhaps the Mother/DD has blocked sleep overs at certain houses, with the excuse that it's just not allowed?

KermitRuffinsTrumpet · 13/02/2017 23:32

I'm afraid I'd be offended and feel sad for my daughter too if that happened to us. I'd also be inclined to change my mind about letting the girl stay over. How crappy for your daughter.

NarkyMcDinkyChops · 13/02/2017 23:32

You're being a bit ridiculous since you have no idea why she said that, you're assuming and then running with it. Running really far in fact.

They aren't even friends.

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 13/02/2017 23:49

I would probably have considered cancelling the sleepover. However, by the time the "Friend" texted DD to say the sleepover must be kept secret, she was due to arrive in 30 minutes. The parents had bought tickets for a concert and were relying us to look after their DD while they were there. If I had cancelled they would not have felt able to go. Apparently they hadn't been out as a couple for years.

I'm not sure why I was asked to look after their DD really. The girls don't hang out together at school and I don't know the parents of the "Friend " very well.

OP posts:
PuntCuffin · 13/02/2017 23:49

Maybe the friend is just embarrassed that her mum won't let her stay on her own for the evening and doesn't want that to get out?

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 13/02/2017 23:51

Maybe the friend is just embarrassed that her mum won't let her stay on her own for the evening and doesn't want that to get out?

I hadn't thought of that explanation. I really hope it's that.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 13/02/2017 23:53

But the why would she not just say it was a sleepover rather than a babysitting and why not hang out with DD at school? I think that's the real issue. Why is she a secret friend?

Original poster
LogicalOperations · 13/02/2017 23:54

ProudBadMum Tell everyone that the friend needed babysitting

Grin Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 00:00

*MiddleClassProblem

But the why would she not just say it was a sleepover rather than a babysitting and why not hang out with DD at school? I think that's the real issue. Why is she a secret friend?*

Yes, very true. I think my DD thinks that they don't hang out at school because the friend has other cool friends to hang with. This week at school the friend hadn't actually spoken to DD or mentioned the sleepover.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 14/02/2017 00:05

I think she might be embarrassed about being 'babysat' and not trusted to stay at home on her own. Or perhaps she doesn't think sleepovers are cool. Alternatively, she might have been to her school friends about being left on her own only to find out that her parents wouldn't leave her on her own at home... Don't take it personally... The friend is just being weird for one reason or another.

krustykittens · 14/02/2017 00:16

None of this would bother me if the girls were friends at school - but they are not. My eldest had a 'friend' like this, didn't want to know her in school or have her round her house but very quick to hang out with her outside school when she was on her own and was all smarm around me. She was a manipulative little cow who thought she was very clever at deceiving everyone. Daughter soon saw sense and cooled it with her outside school, no one likes to be used by an ungenuine person. This might not be the case here but I would keep an eye out.

Missbohan · 14/02/2017 00:18

Sounds horrible - sometimes I hope I don't have girls because they can be such little cows in secondary school and I personally don't know how I would advise my dd as i went to possibly one of the bitchiest and competitive private girls schools in London - not sure how i got out alive! Get the sleepover out the way and encourage dd to focus on her school friends - get some distance.

Missbohan · 14/02/2017 00:20

Ps 'private' not technically relevant, can all be bitchy - but just to clarify, when discussing with other women since the consensus is that private / all girls schools are worse for the bitchiness for whatever reason! Anyway - irrelevant point just wanted to explain x ps lucky she is not in school with this one

user1477282676 · 14/02/2017 00:22

I think this is where you can teach your DD to learn how to ditch people who don't do her self esteem any good. Fair weather friends are not friends.

Tell DD that it's not something she should be part of any longer. I would also tell the girls' parents about it myself. I know they're 14 but they should have the chance to teach THEIR dd about this kind of thing.

Why should your DD be friends with such a shallow kid?

Missbohan · 14/02/2017 00:24

If you tell the Mum hopefully she responds, although sometimes, in my experience, the apple doesn't fall from the tree!

bumsexatthebingo · 14/02/2017 00:24

When do they usually mix outside of school? Do they arrange to do stuff together or is the girl just the dd of an acquaintance of yours?

PerspicaciaTick · 14/02/2017 00:40

There are lot's of possible reasons ranging from being worried about teasing that DD is her girlfriend, to feeling babyish, to being vulnerable to bullying among her current friendship group, to having told friends that she was so cool that she got to stay on her own (and doesn't want to have to back track and admit she wasn't).

I think this is one for DD to speak to her friend about "Why didn't you want me to mention that you stayed over?" rather than turning it into chinese whispers between parents and embarrassed teens. If the girl is mean to your DD during this visit, then I'd be letting her parents know that it would be the last time she is welcome.

ScarlettFreestone · 14/02/2017 00:48

In this situation I'd have taken the girl aside for a quiet chat when she arrived, asked for an explanation and asked whether she realised that she has hurt your DD.

Depending on the answer there would be no further sleepovers and I be telling the parents why.

Bad behaviour should always be challenged.

IMissGrannyW · 14/02/2017 01:35

But there's nothing to stop your DD from going into school and talking about this sleepover, is there.

user1477282676 · 14/02/2017 01:51

Scarlett but that would not be appropriate. The girl is 14 and so is the OP's DD. Quite old enough to manage these things themselves. You can't "quietly take aside" a teenager! It could be seen as either intimidating or babyish.

Neither of which is a good thing.