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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To be upset by this?

39 replies

LogicalOperations · 13/02/2017 23:28

My DD is 14 and has a "friend" who she sees occasionally outside school but they are not friends in school.

The Mum of DD's friend asked me to have her daughter for a sleepover as they did not want to leave her on her own while they went out for the evening.

I agreed to have the girl for a sleepover. Before the friend arrived, she texted my DD to ask her to keep the sleepover secret as she didn't want people to talk about it. DD asked her why she wanted it kept secret, but the friend just said that she didn't want people talking about the sleepover.

My DD is gutted and I really feel for her. DD fees that the "friend" must be embarrassed to be associated with her as DD feels that she is not considered to be one of the cool kids.

Would anyone else be offended by this behaviour? I have to say, we were so upset for DD. Are we being over-sensitive?

OP posts:

Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 04:33

bumsexatthebingo When do they usually mix outside of school? Do they arrange to do stuff together or is the girl just the dd of an acquaintance of yours

The friend's father works in our town once a week and the girl hangs about after school waiting for him to give her a lift home. My DD bumped into this girl in town while she was waiting for her father to take her home. The girls then established a once a week arrangement where they go for a milkshake together after school whilst the girl is waiting for her father to finish work.

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AlmostAJillSandwich · 14/02/2017 04:40

So basically, she's not your DD's friend at all, she just uses her that one day a week to be a bit less bored waiting about for her dad.
If she were a real friend, she'd introduce your DD into her friendship group, the fact that she hasn't is because she doesn't want to be friends.

Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 04:42

I have to say that the friend's behaviour on the sleepover didn't endear her to me particularly. I had made up the spare bed in our spare bedroom for the girl to sleep in. The girls also set up a make shift bed on the floor in DD's room. The "friend" slept in DD's bed and insisted that DD slept on the makeshift bed on the floor. She wouldn't allow DD to turn the light off or for DD to go and sleep in the spare room.

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Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 04:45

AlmostAJillSandwich :So basically, she's not your DD's friend at all, she just uses her that one day a week to be a bit less bored waiting about for her dad.
If she were a real friend, she'd introduce your DD into her friendship group, the fact that she hasn't is because she doesn't want to be friends

Sadly, you are right Sandwich I fear

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Chloe84 · 14/02/2017 07:43

The "friend" slept in DD's bed and insisted that DD slept on the makeshift bed on the floor. She wouldn't allow DD to turn the light off or for DD to go and sleep in the spare room.

I think your DD is better off without this girl as a friend.

Maybe this girl suggested your house to her mum because she doesn't want her 'real' friends seeing that she is scared to sleep alone and scared of the dark.

I wouldn't agree to any further babysitting sleepovers. If the woman asks again, I'd say my DD didn't sleep too well on the floor and with the light on, so it wouldn't be possible.

Hope your DD is not staying in town just to keep this girl company.

Huldra · 14/02/2017 07:46

Maybe the girl has told all her school mates that she is being left alone that night.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/02/2017 08:11

Not condoning her behaviour but I'm wondering if she gets treated like this in the group and is "low ranking" for want of a better phrase. If so maybe she is enjoying that to DD she is one of the cool group and acting the way they treat her. Not all the time but just on instances with DD. It could be that she is more honest with DD than her group. Or she's the queen bee.

I think it might be the former though as that's why her parents asked you rather than someone from the group as they are not her genuine friends or she has had issues with them.

CoraPirbright · 14/02/2017 08:23

It's strange that she didn't go to one of her in-school friends for the sleepover but instead came to some ones who she isn't all that close to. I think she boasted to her cool friends that she was going to be left alone & didn't want to backtrack when told this was not going to be the case. Although how on earth she thought being left alone was going to be a good idea when she can't even sleep with the light off is beyond me.

Anyway she sounds like a madam and user. Why can't one of her precious 'cool' friends wait with her whilst her dad finishes?

Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 08:44

CoraPirbright It's strange that she didn't go to one of her in-school friends for the sleepover but instead came to some ones who she isn't all that close to.

I agree totally. I have tried to boost up my DD telling her that if this girl has such a strong circle of cool friends, then she would have gone to one of them for "Baby sitting".

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Bestthingever · 14/02/2017 08:45

I think there's nothing to lose by asking the mother why her dd said that. You may also want to bring up the selfish behaviour on the night as well. I can't believe the woman asked you. It sounds like they barely know you.

Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 08:53

MiddleClassProblem Not condoning her behaviour but I'm wondering if she gets treated like this in the group and is "low ranking" for want of a better phrase. If so maybe she is enjoying that to DD she is one of the cool group and acting the way they treat her. Not all the time but just on instances with DD. It could be that she is more honest with DD than her group. Or she's the queen bee. I think it might be the former though as that's why her parents asked you rather than someone from the group as they are not her genuine friends or she has had issues with them.

Thank you for putting forward this theory. I think that there could be a lot of truth in it. DD thinks that just because she sees this girl hanging out with the popular crowd, then she is by definition one of the cool kids. However, I do wonder if the girl is as popular as DD thinks she is. If she were, she would be confident enough to do whatever she wants without worrying about loss of image.

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SecondsLeft · 14/02/2017 08:59

But that's the agonising thing about being any part of the popular group(s), you could lose it at any minute, for anything.

Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 09:00

Bestthingever I think there's nothing to lose by asking the mother why her dd said that. You may also want to bring up the selfish behaviour on the night as well. I can't believe the woman asked you. It sounds like they barely know you.

I did "joke" with the mother when she arrived to bring the daughter to the sleepover, that the girl wanted the sleepover kept secret and laughed that we were "Under cover". I did this to make the girl squirm a little, which she did. The mother looked genuinely surprised and confused by the concept of the sleepover being secret. I don't think that the mother knew that her daughter was keeping it all hush hush, to be fair.

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Original poster

LogicalOperations · 14/02/2017 09:01

SecondsLeft But that's the agonising thing about being any part of the popular group(s), you could lose it at any minute, for anything.

Lol. How true!!!

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