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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend time with DP in the evenings?

60 replies

foreverinthered · 13/02/2017 20:08

Genuinely don't know if I'm being UR or not but here goes...

Back story - DP and I both work full time, very long hours and have a toddler. Week days are spent working until 6 then playing with/bathing DD and putting her to bed. Then cooking cleaning washing emails and general household things that never seem to end.

Dp has always been into fitness and has all the work out stuff, weights benches etc. At home. In November time his friend decided he wanted to bulk up so dp has invited him over to work out with him (was supposed to be for a week then friend would do it at home once he knows a workout plan)

Anyway we have a small house and the only space to work out is our living room so now every single weeknight Monday- Friday DPs friend comes over at 9 and they work out in the living room (It's been 3 months!!)

I wake up at 6 and leave the house at 7.30am so by the time they are finished is late enough for me and I end up asleep before they are done, with them being downstairs I am demoted to the bedroom every week night and I miss doing normal things like watching tv/being with dp and just being able to have some wind down time in my own living room.

He says I am BU to want him to stop as this is his only hobby and he likes doing it with his friend as they can help each other with weights etc but I really don't like it and feel like I should be able to go in my living room after work without him and not feel like I'm invading on him and his friend.

I've told them to join a gym but he doesn't want to do that, I've suggested going to friends house but dp doesn't want to drive there and back every night.

I feel like I'm being a cow and irrational but I just want my week nights back!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Slimmingsnake · 13/02/2017 20:55

What happens when yr little one has an accident with the weights? How is it safe to have all that in her play space...get it moved to the garage or a shed..this is not on at all.put yr foot down woman,you are being taken for a pussy,get yr claws out and stand yr ground.

BonnyScotland · 13/02/2017 20:55

I'm actually speechless at the selfishness of this man .... you poor soul... sending hugs Flowers

SugarMiceInTheRain · 13/02/2017 20:56

[wow] YANBU at all. Gobsmacked at your DP's selfishness really. And how thick is his friend to not even realise he might be outstaying his welcome and putting you out? I'd stage a protest and sit there taking up as much room as possible with a takeaway, chocolate, wine, whatever, in your PJs watching a film loudly!

AgathaF · 13/02/2017 20:56

Unbelievable! Really, how would he like sitting in the bedroom on his own five nights a week whilst you sit in the living room watching chick flicks and eating popcorn with a nice squeely friend? Have you told his friend they're both taking the piss?

Is your DP dim in other ways too?

alipia · 13/02/2017 20:57

Go out 5 nights a week and leave them to it and have a nice time with your friends. He is incredibly selfish poor you

Ohdearducks · 13/02/2017 20:58

How have you put up with this for so long and not brutally murdered them both?😱

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2017 20:58

No way. I'd have gone spare after a week or two.

Once a week at the maximum this would be bearable for me.

Bouncealot · 13/02/2017 21:04

What does your lounge smell like?!🙀I can feel a Zoflora moment coming on.....

Original poster
foreverinthered · 13/02/2017 21:14

Thanks for responses.

I confronted him before friend got here, used some of the lines mentioned like how would you like it if my friend came round and we sat on the sofa and banished you upstairs etc. He wasn't having any of it, told me that I like sitting on my phone and doing nothing so I may as well be upstairs, said I didn't want him to better himself, that I couldn't understand because I was lazy etc.

Really wasn't expecting his response, when I read some of the replys I thought none of you know him and he's really nice, he does do a lot of house work/cooking/ caring to dd but I didn't expect him to start verbally attacking me about it!

Questioning my entire relationship and the last 6 years of my life right now.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 13/02/2017 21:16

Gosh I'm sorry OP what a terrible response from him

Trifleorbust · 13/02/2017 21:17
Flowers

So sorry to hear that, Op. But I think you are right to question it. He sounds rude and actually quite contemptuous. I think it's hard for a relationship to recover from someone speaking to you like that.

It goes without saying, do NOT sit in your room. Get right in his way and turn the TV on.

pictish · 13/02/2017 21:17

I'm not surprised you're questioning. He's a wanker having you sit on your own in the bedroom every evening in your own home. It's a preposterous arrangement and the fact that he defends it by insulting and diminishing you is appalling.
Fuck. That.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2017 21:18

Oh shit, seems as if you've opened Pandora's Box then!

Well if he's going to be such a twunt about it and you can't sort it out then maybe this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

ImYourMama · 13/02/2017 21:19

I'd say something in front of the friend.

'I'm really sorry friend of DP but we've talked and I've asked that this gym stuff be scaled back to once or twice a week for some family time. Why don't you two let me know which night is best for you so I can make plans the rest of the week'

Something along these lines. DP may be furious but it might stop him seeing you as a doormat

BathshebaDarkstone · 13/02/2017 21:20

Me too Pidgey

Guitargirl · 13/02/2017 21:22

He's being incredibly self-centred and tunnel-visioned about this but then you already know that. No-one would want to live their home lives around such intrusion like that every night. Sorry OP Flowers.

What do you want to do next?

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/02/2017 21:25

He sounds horrible, sorry.

Having your own interests is one thing, but taking over the living room with your friends every night is disrespectful, and calling you lazy is just plain nasty.

I think it's ultimatum time - he either scales it RIGHT back (one night a week perhaps, and one night at the friends) or you need to find someone who actually gives a shit and who actually wants to see you.

Does the friend not have a wife/girlfriend who wants to spend time with him? Or is he single and has nothing else to do, so is using your DP/home for somewhere to go?

DPotter · 13/02/2017 21:26

Has he been bulking up muscle over the last few months? If he has and given his verbal attack on you being out of character I wonder if he is also taking growth promoting drugs / supplements? They can cause an increase in aggressive behaviour. Even if he isn't his treatment of you is not acceptable. You have some thinking through to do sadly. Do you have RL support?
I agree with Imyourmama - mention it in front of friend and anyone else, eg parents, friends etc

blueskyinmarch · 13/02/2017 21:31

That's really not on I can't believe he can't see your point of view. He sounds very self centred. Is he all 6 packed and a bit vain?

Guitargirl · 13/02/2017 21:31

Yes - good point about the muscle thing. Not that that's excusing his ridiculous behaviour but could explain it if, as you've said, it's out of character?

witchofzog · 13/02/2017 21:38

I would second what DPotter said. Is he taking steroids or something to make him act out of character?

I feel for you. What a selfish shit he is being. You NEED time together to keep the relationship going. He is being disrespectful at best. Is he still expecting sex? Will be be spending Valentine's with his mate too?

Sherlock35 · 13/02/2017 21:39

I'd go out and leave them bloody to it. Why can't they train at the friend's house anyway?

I agree with all the PP. You're a saint.

Summerof85 · 13/02/2017 21:45

I was thinking the same as Dpotter about the steroids. He seems obsessed with working out. I would be sitting in the living room with the TV turned right up. Your DP is being very thoughtless and what a nerve the friend has coming round every night during the week. Having a toddler and working full time you must be exhausted as it is without not being able to relax in your own living room.

Solasum · 13/02/2017 21:50

Could there be something going on with his friend?

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2017 21:57

Thinking same re DPotter and Summer re steroids too.

I've worked with men who take those energy muscle making special protein drinks but that's not the same as steroids.

I did also used to work with a man who was really bulked out (like Hulk's baby brother) and we used to joke he took steroids as he'd flare up a bit.