to tell DC they were partly to blame for their sibling hitting them?

[Clemmythyme]

We were at soft play today and my 4 year old kept holding onto my 2 year old so she couldn't run like she wanted to and putting her face in hers making a loud noise. Her sister clearly didn't like it and was struggling to get away but she can't talk to ask DD4 to stop. I asked DD4 to let her go and stop shouting in her face twice. DD2 then took matters into her own hands and shoved DD4 in the face, causing total hysteria from DD4.

I reprimanded DD2 for hitting but when DD4 calmed down I explained that it isn't nice to keep doing something to someone that they don't like and that DD2 can't talk to ask her to stop so it's understandable she'd show her annoyance physically. This has happened at least three times this week but still DD4 persists then feels extremely sorry for herself when DD2 lashes out.

My friend that was with us heard our chat and said she thought I was wrong to tell DD4 off. She said it's like victim blaming (!) and what if DH doesn't like the way I cuddle him in bed, does that give him the right to punch me?! I don't condone violence but I feel for DD2 as she can't express herself and waits a good minute or two before lashing out to get DD4 away. What do you think, WIBU to tell DD4 it was partly her fault DD2 hurt her?

Serves the 4 year old right. She got what she deserved.
Made me think of mum's 'justice'. No winners I am afraid. She would have belted the pair of us!!!

You should have physically stopped your 4 year old from behaving that way towards your 2 year old, especially if she has additional needsthat mean she won't have the self-control or instincts to do so herself, sorry.

I get it, it's exhausting, and softplay is one of those places that is relatively safe and you should be able to relax a little, but you can't switch off from parenting and if one of your children is doing something that will make the other child blow, you need to do something to protect the child who is unable to protect themselves. It's only fair.

And no, there's no way I'd leave a 4 year old with possible additional needs and a 2 year old together while I showered! Absolute recipe for disaster!!

Omg OP it was a sibling squabble and you dealt with it the way I would have done and my parents before me. Siblings do shitty things to each other it's the law!! Does your friend have two children?

Makes me laugh!

As pp have said, it is essentialntou step in. Especially if there are potential additional needs.

I do understand how hard it is. I have a 12 year old who I cannot leave unsupervised - 12 years of constant, hyper vigilant, always watching parenting. It's incredibly wearing, but it has to be done. When she was 4, and her sister was 2, it was infinitely easier to contain, distract, and supervise than it is now that she is the same size as me, with a longer reach (and the occasional hits and thumps hurt MUCH more). You need to put the work in now, because if your older dd does have additional needs, it is a long road, with no guarantee that these lessons will be learned. That's why ground rules are needed, fast.

A lot of my school mum friends think my rules are too strict, and that I need to lighten up. In truth, with 3 dc with ASD (one severe, with learning difficulties, and two 'high functioning' (their autism is as strong, but they do have the language and ability to reason)) I need firm clear boundaries, and no arguing about it - there just isn't any other way.

Oh, and when my girls were 4 and 2, softplay was not any kind of break for me. I was right there, by their side, for the whole of it.

If you suspect your older dd has additional needs, then she will especially need higher supervision around other children who may be over excited and not always at their best behaviour.

Dixie What exactly should the 2yo have done in your opinion? Just stayed where she was until the 4yo decided to let her go? She was struggling and upset and the 4 yo was not listening to the op. The op as also said she doesn't think it would be appropriate to physically remove the 4yo.
My kids know not to hit but if someone grabs them and won't let go they know they are allowed to push them off so they can get away. What would you do if someone grabbed you in the street and no-one around would help?

And yy to supervising. It's only been the last year or so that my ds has been able to have free run of the soft play as I know he will behave appropriately and come and find me if there are any problems. Before then I had to choose my play areas carefully and stick to ones where I had a good view of the playframe.

"Dear god, they're little kids squabbling. Does it really merit the time to debate it?"

Yes punish the hitter but also punish the one winding the other up til it got to that point

This.

It's not victim blaming. You can't keep goading someone and then cry if they hit you. Lesson: don't goad.

I agree Dixie but in this situation where the op wasn't going to do that what other option did the 2yo have other than to push the older child off herself?
I feel sorry for the little one in this scenario. No-one helped her and then she gets told off for dong what she needed to do to get away.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't have said much to the hitter here tbh, given that it was defend or give in to unwanted restraint and given that she's two and nonverbal. My ds was scratched in the face in a play centre and told me he pushed the boy away to get back to me-I was happy about that, certainly didn't reprimand him.

Forget your friend's opinion, answer this: Would older dc have been hit if they hadn't done what they did to younger dc? Answer seems highly likely to be no, therefore they created the situation that resulted in dd2 lashing out. I woukd certainly check they're ok and reassure both you'll be close by in future to help them. Some pp a bit hopeful to expect all 4yos, including Nt, to take into account changing facial expressions etc so I wouldn't be overly harsh but would talk about younger sibling's face seeming unhappy/mad and if she were making any 'annoyed' sounds. Worth spending time on this even if your feeling 're ASD is right. If she can't be very near you and keep it together then as pp said, I'd bring her next to you to sit or if continues home.

*Just to add, I was happy that my child was able to get himself out of a physical situation, and I would do the same myself, I hope.