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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my 'friend'?

69 replies

MsHoneyBee · 13/02/2017 17:08

First of all, sorry, this is long!
So, context, I'll admit it. I'm a very 'fussy' eater. Im getting miles better however I know it's something MN just. Can't. Stand. Anyway it is due to a legitimate eating disorder/ phobia, so please no flaming!

So I went out with a large group to an Indian restaurant. As always, I didn't make a huge fuss. I simply studied the menu and asked the host if we could order some 'non-spicy' chicken things and naan. All fine. (We all ordered separately then the plan was to share)

We got there, food arrives, all totally fine. I tuck in to my chicken, discovered it was still a bit too spicy/had some strange herbs on it, so I ate a little bit, quietly left the rest and ate some naan.

I was happily chatting away, when in comes other 'friend'. She said I must be hungry, try some curry, I smile and say no thank you. She goes on to offer just about everything I keep saying no thank you, I'm fine, I'm not feeling it, etc.

She then starts making a really loud fuss, speaking to everyone "oh I just can't stand fussy people, aren't you starving? Just try some you might like it, etc etc." The host told her to cool it, but all through out the meal she just kept making snippy remarks. Pudding came and I ordered some ice cream, she goes "oh you don't mind eating crap then, hahaha" (FWIW, I split the bill at the end with everyone else, as per)

Anyway, apologies if that was really long. I tried so hard to make sure I was not making a fuss, as usual, and I'm really upset with it. There's another meal in a month, she's coming and I'm so worried she's going to do the same thing. WWYD/AIBU?

OP posts:

Gabilan · 13/02/2017 19:03

IMe when people start having a go at you about what you're eating, it's because they have their own issues. They're then trying to make themselves feel better about whatever it is by taking a pop at you. It can be that they're worried they eat too much or feel guilty about what they eat. It can just be low self esteem and a bullying nature so they want to belittle you. Whatever it is, it's their problem, not yours.

frumpet · 13/02/2017 19:08

Why on earth would she even care ? I thought you go out for a meal , order what you fancy off the menu and eat it , occasionally you may covet someone else's choice when it comes to the table or commiserate if someones choice is awful , but that's it surely ?

NewPapaGuinea · 13/02/2017 19:09

Sounds like she was the one making all the fuss! Think you need a go to response for people like this. Something like "what I choose to eat is entirely up to me. Good day to you"

SpiritedLondon · 13/02/2017 19:19

Oh there are fussy eaters who do draw attention to their exacting requirements and do the whole " that's disgusting, how can you eat that?" That my 4 year old sometimes proclaims. The fact that you even go into an Indian restaurant if you don't like spicy food seems to suggest you are not in this camp. I would be dealing with this woman with extreme sarcasm probably " who are you? My mother?" But I'm probably not as nice as you

morningconstitutional2017 · 13/02/2017 19:21

Your 'friend' was tactless and thoughtless. In future it would be better to go to restaurants where the food is not overwhelmingly spicy for you, admittedly difficult as spicy food is all the rage just now.

Surely your other friends noticed her behaviour? Could you get them 'on-side' so that they could tell her to lay off if she oversteps the mark again? Not pleasant but don't just sit there and take it.

theclick · 13/02/2017 19:25

She sounds like a pain. But I get the impression she's probably been annoyed with you in the past and therefore this evening was her taking it out on you.

bumsexatthebingo · 13/02/2017 20:05

I think after the first few comments I'd have stopped being polite and said 'will you please stop harassing me to eat stuff - it's starting to get weird and annoying'. And I think I'd be swerving any future meal she's present at and try to arrange some things with the other normal people there that I liked.

Littlelegs19 · 13/02/2017 20:09

She was just plain rude! I'd have ignored her, no need to have cross words when someone is being so childish. If she does it again though...
Fussy eaters only annoy me when they pull faces at food.

You wasn't U at all!

F1GI · 13/02/2017 20:19

She was very rude and really she just embarrassed herself. Most people would have thought that she was an idiot hassling you like that so don't worry about it.

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 13/02/2017 20:26

People don't understand eating disorders as a rule and feel awkward when they're eating and you're not. It must be a proper pain for you. It's rather like drinking in front of an alcoholic, not a comfortable feeling. Can you not meet up with these friends in a situation that doesn't involve food?

A lot of my work colleagues are Muslim and I have to go out every lunchtime during Ramadan because I feel so guilty eating at my desk when they're fasting. I guess it's a similar thing.

Original poster

MsHoneyBee · 13/02/2017 20:31

Hi all and thanks for all the messages again! I'd find it really difficult to avoid her as she's part of a core group of 5ish, iyswim. I really don't mind eating out occasionally, which we do. I just hope she's got the message. No reply, maybe she's feeling guilty. Ty will try it some of the responses :D

OP posts:

Boolovessulley · 13/02/2017 20:43

People like gnus woman get on my nerves.
Is she jealous of you maybe?

I seriously scan or understand why anyone would care what another adult eats.
Are people the same with other areas of life?

On I see your entire house is painted in neutral tones, why don't you try some vivid colour ? You're fine with the neutrals, no seriously you should try more colour. What about having an orange bedroom? Don't you like orange ? Everybody likes orange, why don't you just try it.

SpookyPotato · 13/02/2017 20:48

She was a dick. It would be a bit odd if you went with no intention of eating anything but you didn't do that, you did eat. It really annoys me when you're trying to do something subtley without being a bother to anyone, like eat healthily or not drink alcohol, and someone highlights it and keep going on about it. Then it seems like a big deal and you feel like a hindrance when that's the last thing you wanted..

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 13/02/2017 20:50

If you do view her as a friend, would you be able to approach her before the next meal HoneyBee?

If it is misplaced guilt that leads to her behaving this way, then maybe you can reassure her that not eating when everyone else is really isn't a problem for you and it may put an end to it without making the meal very awkward for the other people at the table. I know I don't go out for a nice meal in order to listen to people sniping at one another. Might be best to nip it in the bud so you both know where you stand and don't have a situation going on while the others are trying to enjoy their meal.

AyeAmarok · 13/02/2017 20:54

She was rude. There was no need for her to insist on drawing attention to you and making a scene. That Is always rude.

GloGirl · 13/02/2017 20:55

What a horrible woman to not even reply and apologise. Even if she thought she was in the right if someone messaged me to say my actions had caused them upset I'd apologise regardless.

omnishamblesssssssssssssss · 13/02/2017 21:24

I'm utterly relived that non of my kids are fussy. However I would never make an issue of others eating habits and if I'm I'm catering would always do something that suited.

derxa · 13/02/2017 21:24

I've text her to say that she's made me embarrassed and upset anyway, hopefully she'll pipe down next time. Well done. Usually on MN people do nothing. And I hate fussy people,

p1nkflam1ngos · 13/02/2017 21:26

I can't eat spicy things either....I know every bland item on the menu of Indian, Chinese, Italian restaurants.

I don't like cold butter either - it's always made me retch if I try to eat it. I've had a lifetime of 'no butter? Don't you want a little butter on that? It looks really DRY, is it not awfully DRY? I would have thought it would be far too DRY. '

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