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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be over sensitive? and should that matter?!

35 replies

Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 11:48

Dh is a twat. Very rarely gives me compliments and often says things in a jokey way, like I smell like poo/ I haven't cooked him dinner when I have (hes just eaten it all) etc. Its like having a child. It grates on me terribly, really frustrating. I've told him, he thinks its funny.
This morning it was 'you haven't fed the cats' which I hadn't but I was rushing to work and we were in the kitchen at the same time. I lost my temper, told him to stop being a twat. His response was I need councelling!
So I've emailed him an irate email whilst at work. Asked him to stop. Hes replied ok.
I'm sure I am being over sensitive but he really does get to the point where it hurts my feelings, how can I get that through to him?
And surely he should care that hes hurt me? I know its a joke but after a while it starts to get to me and I'm feeling down about it. Advice on how to get through to him when basic 'please dont' and explaining why doesn't work!

OP posts:
Hastalapasta · 13/02/2017 11:51

So sorry to hear this. It sounds very disrespectful to you.
No idea what to suggest tbh. Do you like him? Enjoy spending time with him? Does he make you want to be the best version of you that you can? What does he bring to the relationship?

Ilovecaindingle · 13/02/2017 11:52

Make him fish fingers and smiley faces for tea. Tell him cbeebies has started and run yourself a bath and lock the door. Make him a bed on the sofa and tell him when he starts acting like an adult to please let you know. .

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 11:56

He would just answer me that I'm crazy, insane etc etc. Its very wearing. And no he doesn't make me feel great and I don't like him 30% of the time but none of this is enough to ltb. I just want to give him a slap. And ultimatums don't work coz I'm not sure he actually cares. Plus he wouldn't leave anyway!

OP posts:
User543212345 · 13/02/2017 12:00

You're allowed to be sensitive. It's not a character failing or flaw, it's a perfectly normal and acceptable way to feel.

As for your DH's jokes - jokes are only jokes if both the maker and butt of them find it funny. In fact I'd probably go as far as to say that if there is someone else who is the butt of your jokes they're not jokes they're just being a twat hidden behind "only joking". He's not joking, he's bullying you. You've told him you don't like it and he has responded that he thinks it funny - therefore to him his entertainment is more important than your happiness and emotional wellbeing.

I dont have any advice I'm afraid as if asking him not to do something that causes you distress doesn't get through to him I'm not sure what will - though I do like ilove's idea.

Foxsox · 13/02/2017 12:08

You're allowed to be sensitive. It's not a character failing or flaw, it's a perfectly normal and acceptable way to feel.

Totally agree.
I'm sorry OP.
I would suggest writing to him but you've tried that and it's not working.
YANBU though

Hastalapasta · 13/02/2017 12:09

Could you actually give him a slap? Metaphorical rather than literal?
Say something like 'the way that you talk to me whilst I am running ragged really winds me up, and I find it hard to keep my temper ' or 'I am only acknowledging kind comments from now on' not sure if it would work but maybe worth a try!

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 12:12

ive told him hes on a points system for sex, and everytime hes a prick he loses a point. not making a huge amount of difference!

OP posts:
user1471433243 · 13/02/2017 12:46

You could be quick on comebacks, e.g.

You smell like poo
Response thanks shitface
You haven't cooked dinner
Response. That's funny a strange man must have eaten your dinner
You havent fed the cats
You're a cat (walk out door)

😀😀

MadJeffBarn · 13/02/2017 13:13

My dh drives me utterly insane. Thinks it's hilarious to constantly correct me. Makes stupid jokes. Will remind me of stuff as I'm leaving the house. Leaves stupid shit to me like feeding the cat when he's home all day. the sarcasm. Things that were cute when we were teenagers now grate on me so much I'm ready to claw his face off.

LegallyBronde · 13/02/2017 13:20

Just tell him to fuck off and feed the fucking cats himself. Can't stand idle bastards that sit around pointing out other people's mistakes/shortcomings, it boils my piss. Next time he asks you why you haven't done x/y/z ask him to with a head tilt of pointing our your faults makes himself feel better about his own major levels of imcompetence and that you are glad to be of service to the miserable little road.

LegallyBronde · 13/02/2017 13:21

Toad not road Blush

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 13:30

user1471433243 thats what i have been doing, but im done with it. i feel worn down and starting to feel depressed by his lack of respect

OP posts:
Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 13:43

MadJeffBarn how do you cope without killing him? seriously, here must be a technique rather than just fantasising about stabbing him. with a blunt knife.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 13/02/2017 13:47

He sounds like Colin Hunt from The Fast Show. Good luck

TheProblemOfSusan · 13/02/2017 13:51

I've been accused of being oversensitive by my family all my life. I'm not. I'm a sensitive person by their standards, in that I don't like having people be jokingly mean to me all the time. But we're the normal ones, OP. We're the right amount of sensitive. He's being a bit of a berk.

Ooh that word is such a trigger for me, I feel all teary just reading your post. I'm sorry he's being such an arse and your sensitiveometer is calibrated correctly.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 13/02/2017 13:54

I would record him and play it back to him to see what a prat he's being
It's not funny , it's sad and pathetic
He needs to grow up
You are not being over sensitive

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 14:40

so how do i explain that my level of sensitivity is normal and not worthy of counselling/medical help?

OP posts:
Pineappletastic · 13/02/2017 14:48

'Fuck off' on repeat.

Has he always been like this? I don't think I could deal with it tbh.

The insinuating you are 'crazy' for getting annoyed by this childish behaviour is just not really on, and verges on emotional abuse for me. I definitely could not live with that.

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 15:11

emotional abuse feels strong but yes it is on the scale of it. im not wanting to put up with it anymore, just not quite sure how to deal with it!

OP posts:
Pineappletastic · 13/02/2017 15:24

Well, it sounds like he's agreed to stop for now, so that's good.

He'll probably do it again, so you need to be ready to tell him it isn't on. Just stay calm, explain that you don't want to live with him basically being mean to you all the time.

If he escalates again and brings you mental health into it say something like 'look DH, questioning my sanity in an attempt to win an argument is really bloody horrible, and if you keep doing it I don't think I want to be with you any more'

Honestly, if he keeps digging at you and calling you names when you react I would seriously consider the future of your relationship, because at that point it is a choice between putting up with it and leaving.

I really hope that you can get through to him, because I don't think you want either of those options. Good luck.

Original poster
Verticalvenetianblinds · 13/02/2017 15:30

It'd be so much easier if I could treat him like a pet. At least then he would understand the reprimanding for bad behaviour and rewards for good!

OP posts:
MadJeffBarn · 13/02/2017 15:31

To tell you the truth I block it out. What I hate the most is when I try to do it back jokingly, then he makes me feel like shit for correcting him. He'll correct my correction and it always ends up with me feeling stupid for daring to do it back. I do get rather stabby in my head.

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2017 15:34

Do couples really email each other?

SomethingBorrowed · 13/02/2017 16:23

DH does something like this sometimes, pretend things are jokes.
I just calmly asks what exactly is funny? And I don't let it go, I insist to make him explain to me, what was supposed to make me laugh, because a joke is supposed to make the other person laugh, if not it means you were just laughing at me, which I am sure you weren't. Etc.
He usually apologizes.

sonlypuppyfat DH and I exchange between 2 and 10+ emails a day... more discreet than having a phone conversation with colleagues listening

sonlypuppyfat · 13/02/2017 16:26

Oh I've only ever sent 2 emails ever, but then I'm a complete luddite