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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am BU, I know I am, but I hate him

46 replies

IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:13

My DMs new BF. DDad dead 5 years. DM has a new man in her life. I'm happy for her she's feeling less alone, only I effing hate him. He's the total opposite of my dad.... he's wimpy and pathetic. And been to court twice for the most socially unacceptable of crimes. He is a year older than me. Whilst I appreciate all that's none of my business, he suggested last year that she wills all her money to him for him to dole out to me and DSis (he has an ex-wife and 2 children to support) When I confronted mum with all the advice MN had to offer, she backed away from this, but said that her BF didn't want her money because he was richer than her (his parents own a house in one of the most expensive streets in the country)

She's now considering selling her house and buying a flat (which she wants a whole load of conversion work done to). She says BF has to leave his job (she didn't say why) so she's considering paying him to be around as a sounding board/project manager for her, because she values his opinion.

I say 'is considering' but she's already suggested it to him and he has said yes.

I do get why you wouldn't want to do this process alone, and would want someone on hand to talk to about every detail, and he could fulfil this role.

Mum knows I hate him, so the more involved he is, the less I am, which upsets me. He's going to have his sticky paws on every family photo.

And I think he's scamming her.

It's none of my business about how she chooses to spend her money, but I think he's an untrustworthy cunt. And I hate how the more involved HE is, the less involved I AM, thus making THEM closer, and ME more further away. And I think the resolution is that I accept him, but I can't bring myself to do that.

Shoot me now!

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 13/02/2017 00:16

Gosh the red flags are s mile wide stent they.

When you say most socially unacceptable reason for court I can only think of one thing? Am I right ?

Flowers I don't know what you can possibly do though

Original poster
IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:20

You are right.

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 13/02/2017 00:20

I remember your previous thread Flowers
No useful advice sorry, just keep being there for your mum.

Original poster
IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:20

how can I make this work?????

OP posts:
EZA15 · 13/02/2017 00:20

Court for paedophilia or am I way off the mark?

NC1nightstand · 13/02/2017 00:23

Horrible situation. What does your sister think of him? What about any friends of your mum or other family? Off the top of my head I think either some kind of intervention with people she loves and respects and feel the same about her, who agree with you about this awful man; or stop saying anything negative about him to her, spend as much time as you can with her and him and try to gather some evidence of his true intentions and then go for an intervention type of thing. It's so difficult when you clearly want to stop her from making a terrible mistake but you may need to play the long game and give him enough rope to hang himself so to speak. I would get to know his family if possible, find out what their opinion of him is.

Original poster
IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:25

My mum is someone people really, really love, and are drawn to. So ALL my relatives are saying to me "you HAVE to accept BF, because he is her choice, and if that's who she is choosing, although we hate him, we're going with it because we love her and so if SHE is choosing that, it's ok with us" but they are a step removed, and I'm her actual daughter. I don't know how to make this better!

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 13/02/2017 00:28

Make your presence known to him, I'm watching you, mum won't be isolated etc etc. If somehow he's genuine then maybe one day he'll prove it to you. If it's a scam then hopefully he'll give up in the face of your continuing supervision.

ConfusedCod · 13/02/2017 00:28

I don't actually know if this works but have you considered a honey trap?

Would your mum leave him if you catch him out being unfaithful?

Original poster
IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:31

EZA15 - no, you're not.

I know his family. They're a bit odd (accademics). DSis and I are NC. I tried to talk to her last year with the will thing, but the conversation didn't go well. She has her issues!

I'm really worried about her. She's very vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:34

I have thought about threatening him physically (he's such a wimp, even I could smash his horrid face in). And I've thought about warning him off. But I think he'd just discuss it with mum, and that will alienate us further, and I want to bring us closer together. I REALLY want to punch his lights out.

OP posts:
Original poster
IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:36

what do you mean by that, ConfusedCod. And how would I go about it? His interests historically are young boys, btw, so I'm not sure what I could offer being mid-40s, fat and with a viginal!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 13/02/2017 00:41

I'm sorry but if he's been done for paedophilia then I would be telling her that until he goes you will not be around her , what sort of woman would get involved with someone like that , vulnerable or not you need to make your position on it clear .

ConfusedCod · 13/02/2017 00:46

IMissGrannyW

Oh....

Well a honey trap would be where you'd get an attractive friend (or hire one, google it) to come on to him and get just enough evidence that he would be up for it.

Though obviously in this case, he's a pedo what the actual fuck is your mum thinking

My town actually has a pedo hunter who sets up fake profiles and 'tricks' pedos into chatting and meet ups with what they think are children.

And then he waits for them with a camera and print outs of the conversations.

BastardBloodAndSand · 13/02/2017 00:46

She's standing by a paedophile ??

Leave the disgusting pair to it and stop caring about a woman who isn't worth the energy.

BastardBloodAndSand · 13/02/2017 00:48

Oh and save your sympathy and worry for the sexually abused children who have had their lives ruined not an idiotic, grown woman.

Tracey300884 · 13/02/2017 00:52

He's a Paedophile yet your Mum finds him attractive?? What the actual......?? HmmHmmHmm

You REALLY need to get rid of this pervert!

And yes, that aside, it sounds like he's scamming her! That posh guy that scammed Audrey Roberts on Coronation St has sprung into my mind!! I'd be tempted to follow him when he goes out.....

You need to warn him off. I know you think this will alienate your Mum, but to be honest, I think ANYTHING you do will have that effect until you expose him for what he is....Envy

nicenewdusters · 13/02/2017 00:57

I remember your previous thread. I really feel for you, but if your mum knows his background and still wants to be with him, I don't know that you can do anything. I'd be tempted to tell him, in front of her, that you know his background, can see what he's doing as regards your mum's money, and that you want nothing to do with him. Your mum has made an incredibly poor choice, but it's that, a choice. Maybe you'll have to chose to walk away for your own sanity. Such an unfair position for you to be in.

Carollocking · 13/02/2017 01:05

I sent a pm op

user892 · 13/02/2017 01:06

Hmm.. Hell's Angels heavies #justsayin

AnyFucker · 13/02/2017 01:09

Your stupid mother will learn this lesson the hard way

I would walk away and leave the pair of them to it

Money isn't everything

SenseiWoo · 13/02/2017 01:22

Hard as it is, walk away. On some level I wonder if your mother feels it is okay to engage in this relationship because she has got you to fall back on. Don't enable her folly, keep your distance.

noeffingidea · 13/02/2017 01:27

I'm sorry, but I would disown a relative who knowingly stayed in a relationship with a convicted paedophile.
Got nothing else to say.

user1477282676 · 13/02/2017 01:29

I'd also tell my Mother that unless she dumped him, I would be out of her life.

I would not be associated with a pervert child abuser.

You should not either.

At the moment you are an associate of his because you run in the same circles...FAMILY circles.

Give her an ultimatum.

YouHadMeAtCake · 13/02/2017 01:30

I can have no sympathy or respect for a woman that gets involved knowingly with a child sex offender . None at all.

So ALL my relatives are saying to me "you HAVE to accept BF, because he is her choice

Really ? Even though the ones with children? All of your relatives say that? About a Paedophile? Has he only been to court and not jail ?

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