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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am BU, I know I am, but I hate him

46 replies

IMissGrannyW · 13/02/2017 00:13

My DMs new BF. DDad dead 5 years. DM has a new man in her life. I'm happy for her she's feeling less alone, only I effing hate him. He's the total opposite of my dad.... he's wimpy and pathetic. And been to court twice for the most socially unacceptable of crimes. He is a year older than me. Whilst I appreciate all that's none of my business, he suggested last year that she wills all her money to him for him to dole out to me and DSis (he has an ex-wife and 2 children to support) When I confronted mum with all the advice MN had to offer, she backed away from this, but said that her BF didn't want her money because he was richer than her (his parents own a house in one of the most expensive streets in the country)

She's now considering selling her house and buying a flat (which she wants a whole load of conversion work done to). She says BF has to leave his job (she didn't say why) so she's considering paying him to be around as a sounding board/project manager for her, because she values his opinion.

I say 'is considering' but she's already suggested it to him and he has said yes.

I do get why you wouldn't want to do this process alone, and would want someone on hand to talk to about every detail, and he could fulfil this role.

Mum knows I hate him, so the more involved he is, the less I am, which upsets me. He's going to have his sticky paws on every family photo.

And I think he's scamming her.

It's none of my business about how she chooses to spend her money, but I think he's an untrustworthy cunt. And I hate how the more involved HE is, the less involved I AM, thus making THEM closer, and ME more further away. And I think the resolution is that I accept him, but I can't bring myself to do that.

Shoot me now!

OP posts:

DJBaggySmalls · 13/02/2017 01:34

Cut her out of your life. Do it now. Walk away.
She is a fake counsellor. She enables abusers.

BastardGoDarkly · 13/02/2017 01:43

Oh god, yes I remember your last thread too OP, what a total fucking nightmare this is.

I'd have to distance myself, however hard that would be, what's the alternative? Be nice to him?

Do you have kids? I can't remember.

NC1nightstand · 13/02/2017 01:49

Maybe the fear of being alone again is enough for your mum to put up with certain things. Does she know about the court case? It beggars belief that she would stay with someone like that so maybe he is abusive to her in some way or has convinced her it was all a mistake.

Maybe you could try and come at this from another angle, spend as much time with your mum as humanly possible, build her confidence up if she needs it. Talk about your Dad, ask about their relationship, let her know that even though you are busy, she is your darling mum and that there is lots of space in your life for herm even though you have your own family, I only say this because my mil lost her dh about 2 years ago and refused to ask us for help because she didn't want to impose but she really needed it and I had to really work hard to let her know it was her turn to lean on us for support.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney · 13/02/2017 02:09

What a nightmare. I suppose he has a perfectly valid explanation for the court appearances?

If pedophilia is not enough to put your mum off I genuinely can't think of anything that will, so as other say you'll just have to keep your distance and wait for the chips to fall.

To be honest I wouldn't be able to look my mum in the face knowing she is pretty much condoning child abuse.

Italiangreyhound · 13/02/2017 02:17

ImissGrannyW I remember your other thread.

Do you have kids, any kids in the family?

Juts because his previous crimes were related to boys i would not feel safe allowing any child around him.

Can you investigate is he has scammed any other ladies out of money?

I agree with user1477282676, "I'd also tell my Mother that unless she dumped him, I would be out of her life.

I would not be associated with a pervert child abuser.

You should not either.

At the moment you are an associate of his because you run in the same circles...FAMILY circles.

Give her an ultimatum."

I'd do it nicely, I'd say in good conciounse I could not be around him. Personally I'd continue to meet my mum away from him. I would also lay it on the line, he is after your cash, so what if his parents own an expensive house, he has his eyes on your house. I'd say "mum, you are great, so may people love you, there are a 100 reasons why he could too. BUT we know he is not into adults, but children, and you are offering him your money on a plate. Back off, withdraw the money offers, just see if he still likes you long term. Never offer him another penny, that is the only way to know if he is even remotely genuine."

At least that is what I hope I'd say!

Good luck.

PS your mum is an adult you are not responsible for her choices, just make sure the door is always open when he sucks the lifeblood out of her and her home!

LoupGarou · 13/02/2017 02:18

Jesus Christ! OP. I also cannot understand anyone wanting to be involved with such a person.

If pedophilia is not enough to put your mum off I genuinely can't think of anything that will

Sadly this ^. I think you just have to do what you can to protect yourself OP.

Italiangreyhound · 13/02/2017 02:19

I meant to say that I hope that doesn't happen of course. Be nice to her, but honest. She needs to wake up!

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 13/02/2017 02:20

Good God.

What an awful situation.

Yanbu, at all.

I'd definitely go no contact with anyone who stands by a pedophile.

She doesn't believe he did it, does she?

NaughtyRed82 · 13/02/2017 02:33

Sent you a PM

Jux · 13/02/2017 09:19

If you were to tell your mum how far pushed out you feel and how much it's upsetting you, would it have an effect. She'd probably say that he would like to be closer to you too, but you can remind her that you're talking about your relationship with her. You can also remind her that with his history you really can't have him getting close to your children.

I remember your thread, and it really is a hard one to find a way through. I'm so sorry. I suspect that you may end up having to choose getween your mum and your kids, but I hope you do it with an almighty roar right in her ear.

socialengineering · 13/02/2017 09:43

I remember your previous OP, scary situation to be in

How old are his kids/does he see them?
Is his ex his ex because he is abuser?

Is your mother aware of why he got fired?

Can you and your sister put together some kind of honey trap to evidence to your mother what he is? I know that sounds elaborate, but desperate measures?

Finola1step · 13/02/2017 09:47

The key question here is does his relationship with your Mum give him any access to children in the family? On any level?

ElderDruid · 13/02/2017 09:55

Pretty gobsmacked, given his preferences, what does she think she's offering him, is she like a Mother figure? I'm struggling to understand why your Mum would stand by him.

It sounds like Mum has money doesn't work, he wants a piece of that cake, so they're selling up the family home so he can quit work and sit on his arse going ooh yes those tiles, that wall paper is adorable.

It's her life, yes he's spending what your poor Dad worked so hard for, but I can't see how you can address this. I'm really sorry, I think you have to leave them to it, as awful as it is.

ElderDruid · 13/02/2017 09:59

I agree to try and get your Mum to test the waters by saying I don't think I can sell up, I'm sure you'll find a new job quickly, then see how he reacts.

It does appear your Mum won't listen to your views as she's the adult and it's her life.

Have you used Claire's law to get background info on him.

Theimpossiblegirl · 13/02/2017 10:02

I remember your last thread. What a horrible situation. I think you will just have to go NC, telling your mum you love her and will be there for her if she ever comes to her senses. You need to protect yourself and your family now (emotionally, I know you say he's no risk, but I couldn't be in the same room and nor would my kids).

Does she understand what he has done and the way his actions have hurt children? I can't remember exactly if it was pictures or physical abuse, but either way he is responsible for children being abused, whether he was in the room or not. If she does know and is standing by him, I couldn't be near her any more either.

I'm so sorry though, this is shit for you.

Penfold007 · 13/02/2017 10:13

I hope she isn't still working as a counsellor. Your M is knowingly in an intimate relationship with a convicted child sex offender her moral compass is way off. You need to step back and keep you and your family safe.

diddl · 13/02/2017 10:15

I remember your other thread as well.

How/why do women fall for this?

I'll never ever understand it.

"he suggested last year that she wills all her money to him for him to dole out to me and DSis"-why would anyone stay with someone who suggests this?

So now that that didn't work, he's trying another tactic?

You must be infuriated Op.
I think that I'd walk away & leave her to it.

sandragreen · 13/02/2017 10:21

This sounds so awful for you I can't imagine what you are going through.

However, I do agree with PP that the fact remains, your DM is sticking by a paedophile. Under those circumstances all I would do is retreat to a place of safety. You will have to write the money off.

dementiawidow · 13/02/2017 10:24

Reminds me of the novel (based on her true experience) "Falling" by Elizabeth Howard. You should read it. Then give it to your mum to read.

Liiinoo · 13/02/2017 10:47

YANBU. He sounds awful. And you are in a difficult situation because if you are honest bout your feelings you might alienate your mum and drive her closer to him

If you can manage it, be civil to him and maintain regular contact with your mum. Hopefully she will eventually start to see him as he truly is and you will be around to support her then.

Not the same I know but my DD once had a boyfriend who was showing signs of becoming coercively controlling. I mentioned it once and she got very defensive of him so I backed off and kept quiet after that and our relationship remained intact. That meant that a year or so later when she began to question his behaviour I was able to agree with that he did seem a little unreasonable/ controlling etc and support her through the break up.

Eliza9917 · 13/02/2017 11:53

what do you mean by that, ConfusedCod. And how would I go about it? His interests historically are young boys, btw, so I'm not sure what I could offer being mid-40s, fat and with a viginal!

So what's he doing with your mother? Can she not see he's just after her money? Do you and your sis have kids? Or anyone else in the family? What do those people think about it? Are they no contact with her/her house? I wouldn't let my kids go to someone's house or be around someone who was with a paedo.

Your mother needs an intervention for fucks sake.

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