Am I a terrible daughter or is DM being unreasonable...

[Eliza22]

I'm 54. My mum, bless her, can still make me feel like a wicked child if I don't do whatever it is she'd prefer I did.

My sister is 55 next month. She lives just 1/12 - 2 hrs away from me. I have, in the past travelled miles on special occasions, to celebrate birthdays/christenings/weddings/births etc. My mum has arranged a lunch at a nice restaurant close to where she (and my sister and family) live. I have said that sadly, I can't make it. And, it has begun..... I feel BAD. She has phoned me several times in one day, to talk me round.

My DH and I have had a tough time with sd who has been really very ill. I feel tired and less and less inclined to attend things and slap on a smile and I guess, I've become somewhat reclusive. It doesn't bother me; it allows me to feel settled and cope better with everything we have "on" with sd. Am I being unreasonable? I usually give in and "do as I'm told" but I'd just rather send my sister a lovely card and maybe go see her soon. I love her dearly but I can't do this dinner thing because my mum will sulk and play the martyr, if I don't.

Honestly your Mother is not a child,she needs to grow up,stop sulking and start supporting you,your DH and your DS!

You do not sound selfish at all,you sound exhausted and I'm not suprised 2 of our 5DC are asd and it's hard work and it's constant,get the breaks when you can,you need those times to help keep your mental and emotional health in a good place.That's far more important than driving hours for someone else's birthday.

Honestly I'd ignore the phone for a few days or several that or let your DH answer if he has a stronger will when it comes to your Mother.

I hope you have a lovely weekend doing what you and your DH want to do!and that you manage to get some rest fitted in as well.

I can see why you need that time to rest rather than travel for 4 hours in order to have a stressful 2 hours lunch. Wise decision.

But do your family really understand what's going on with your son? Your mother's insistence you should come sounds entirely understandable if she doesn't know how hard things are with your son, and incredibly harsh if she does know.

I'm assuming your family know the bare facts of your son's problems... but do they really know the pressure you're under (as much as anyone else can)? Even if you've explained, could it be that they haven't really taken it in and it'd be worth explaining again?

You deserve support from them, rather than demands, so maybe it's worth another shot at getting them to understand what life is really like for you at the moment.

Nothing like a mother to put the death stare on you without actually being in the room, but you have to learrn to pretend its not happening to you and get on with your life, you and hubby need a break and a little us time, and by the sounds your sister will totally understand albeit your mother wont, your an adult just say no no matter how hard those death rays come ;)

If you're close to your sister could you phone her up for a chat and explain to her rather than your mum? She might be more likely to understand?

I think you need to do what keeps you sane and if a 6 hour round trip for not much fun is going to leave you even more frazzled then don't do it.

Good luck...

Yes, they know the full situation. The past 16 yrs have been hard, as many parents of ASD children will appreciate. It's relentless. My go put me on antidepressants though I insisted, I wasn't depressed. I was utterly heartbroken. Every day.

That said, we have some good days and my family are supportive (by phone etc....there is that physical distance between us, in a tactical sense). My mum's attitude is "most parents don't get a weekend off every month!" DH and I left ds at home yesterday, whilst we went to Sainsbury's. DS phoned us whilst we were shopping, distraught because we were away "so long". He wouldn't come with us. He has no friends/social outlets and usually DH or I would stay with him but, we ARE trying to foster some independence. I feel like I literally "can't move" when he's home or in the school week. So, when I get a rare time slot to play with, I like to chill.

You are not a terrible daughter, she is being a bad mother though. A loving caring mother would understand that you need time and take no for an answer, like previous posters have said call your sister and tell her you're sorry but you can't come but send your love etc and will catch-up when you can. If dm calls again just say I'm not going, I've talked to dsis and she understands then say sorry I'm just going out have to go good-bye.

OP, you need to practise saying No more often to your mum. I can't believe you're 54 and still letting her bully you. As an earlier poster said, put down the phone mid conversation if you have to.
I'd be inclined to not see her for at least 6 months or so and only when it suits you 100%. Just tell her that you'll be 'round to visit when it's convenient for you. She needs to get used to you making your own choices. Don't allow her to guilt trip you.
She's had 54 years of manipulating you to do what she wants. When is it your turn?
I'm in my fifties and my DMum died almost 20 years ago but she was lovely and always let her 4 kids get on with their lives. Her own mum and sister were quite controlling of her and my cousins and my mum was determined not to follow suit.

Please go for the pub lunch! My ds has some of the same issues, his school have been very good- they have created after school clubs like a sensory one with him in mind, this means we have some after school time with his siblings. We spend his short breaks funding on the local asd youth group that has trips and so forth, but I appreciate your ds may not feel up to that.
To give you some hope, I also teach young people with similar difficulties and a few years ago I tutored a young boy who could barely function his ocd was so bad, he used to say his asd was no problem at all, some days we couldn't do anything because it was, as you say, crippling. A colleague recently bumped in to him and he's doing so well! His ocd is much more under control, he has a job, I was thrilled and it made me hopeful for my ds and coming out of the other side of his torturous adolescence.

If it was so important to your DM that you be there, then why wouldn't she do the bloody obvious thing of checking that you could be before booking/arranging it?

Your mum had her turn to make you live by her rules, when you were a child. Now she is being manipulative.
Tell her no, and that the matter is closed,Not up for any more discussion.
It sounds like you have has a very testing time, you need to do what YOU need now.

Make time to see your sister separately maybe.
Best of luck with it, and it is possible to be loving and say no at the same time.

You seem to be in a lot of FOG (fear guilt and obligation).
You do need time off. Most parents aren't on duty 24/7. My DC are 20, 18 and 13 and I can even leave the three of them to look after each other and themselves for 24 hours or more. I don't half sleep at night "just in case" any more. During the school week I can forget about them for hours at a time.

You do not have that freedom. Would I swap having one weekend "free" a month for how my life is right now - nope! I have it far easier!

YANBU

Phone your sister and explain that you will not be able to make her birthday but perhaps could meet up another time.

I'm sure she will be fine.

How often do your mum and sister come to visit you, OP?

I very rarely get together with my siblings for birthdays.

Yes for big birthdays but 55 is not a. If birthday.

Speak to your sister and tell her why you won't be going, if she is any kind of decent person she will understand.

Then stop discussing it with your mum. You have made the choice which is best for you and immediate family, end of story.

Your priorities are you, your DH and your son. You need to do what is best for them, including downtime which is EQUALLY important to the parenting you do when your son is there.

I have (in the past) tended to visit them more than they me, but to be fair, I've been fine with that (and when I was a single mum...was very grateful for those visits and support). It's just that with my mum, she's so bitterly disappointed with her kids/life/everything and I can't really "give" anything to that. I'd find myself coming off the phone feeling a mixture of guilt and rage that still, after everything that's happened in my life, she is still dissatisfied. I've made some effort to stop recently and have been incommunicado from time to time. Not out of spite but certainly having felt so weary, I just couldn't speak to her. Then, my sister contacts me "please get in touch with mum, she's terribly upset" and off we go again...

Thanks Mummytime, you've hit the nail on the head there! I always imagined that by 16, I'd be looking forward to summer exams/college and in to Uni for DS. Not listening for drawers opening and closing as he does a self-punishment of trapping his hands in the drawer. Or having tepid showers so that he can't let the hot tap run long enough to get piping hot, burning his skin and causing skin damage up to his elbows.

This morning, he and I were rowing about the fact that I have asked him to join me when we eat breakfast rather than in another room, on his iPad. He has started sneaking his food/drink into the bin and down the sink so that he can restrict toilet use (as his post toilet cleansing regime has now become so long winded and hard work for him).

I'm sure your sister would rather not put such a burden on you. I know I wouldn't want family to travel such a distance for my birthday. The kids' birthdays - perhaps, but not mine.

Don't let your Mum bully you.

You sound like you need a longer bout of respite, so giving up the one weekend you do have would be utterly unreasonable.

I'd not answer her calls for a while, and if your sister calls tell her honestly you can't deal right now.

For your DS' sake you need to take the weekend for yourself. If you don't get the chance to recharge your batteries then you'll find yourself at breaking point and won't be able to support him. A long journey combined with a meal full of pressure isn't remotely relaxing; a pub lunch with the dogs where you can unwind and briefly forget about everything else will do you the world of good. Some mothers are very good at guilt-tripping (I have one) - the trick is to refuse to participate in it any longer and see it as what it really is - their problem not yours. Enjoy the pub lunch!!

Eliza, our lives are so similar it's scary. DS is also ASD and at 16 basically fell mentally to pieces and ended up being hospitalised. DM, is deceased but MIL knows exactly what buttons to press to make us feel like bad parents and to make DH feel like a bad son.

Best thing you can do for DS is recharge as often as possible and be strong for him.

The good news is DS is still highly medicated but now sees his psych every three months, is attending college every day, and did well in his school exams. We now have knives back in the drawers, paracetamol back in the presses and no locked doors. He still has bad days but can cope with them better. His psych told us that there's a massive hormone/growth spurt around 15/16 and this often exacerbates existing problems.

I know not every child is the same, but I wanted to give you some hope that things can improve.

Mikeyssister...thanks

OP I really sympathise with the stuff you're dealing with. I have two dcs who are both going through very difficult times, and I truly sympathise with anyone facing what you are facing. Thank goodness you have such a supportive dh.

Yes, Spangled. He IS pretty amazing. His three children are all grown up and high achievers. neither of us expected this. DS was such a different child when we met. We long distance "went out" for four years before I relocated to marry him. DS's dad left, when DS was aged 4. They still see each other but again, long distance.

eliza, speak to your sister, explain and clear the air with her. Arrange to meet up with her at a time when you can both enjoy it. I think it's important to explain directly to her, without your mother.

It's just that with my mum, she's so bitterly disappointed with her kids/life/everything and I can't really "give" anything to that.

No, no you can't. It's not possible.

But it's not your problem. You don't have kids so that you can live through them. That's what she's doing. This guilt trip is the very last thing you need, given just HOW much you have on your plate.

Could you get a phone just for her, give her the number and block on her on the old phone? ringing you several times a day is way OTT even when you aren't faced with the daily challenging you are.

You -have- to have some time to yourselves. Look after yourself and your relationship so that you have something to give and aren't running on empty.

YANBU, obviously (and it's unusual to see such a strong consensus on here!)

Check out the stately homes thread - the first post lists several books and resources that I'm sure would be helpful to you.

You need to put some firm boundaries in place with your mother. She won't like it but if you stay strong she will realise that she has no choice but to accept it.