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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so mad at ex over him going on holiday without dd

56 replies

MadGrrMad · 12/02/2017 21:27

Aibu to be so mad? First post so hopefully I get it right.

Background : me and ex broke up when I was pregnant with dd, we was together about a year and young... he got with his now wife very soon after, they have 2 kids girl and boy. Ex sees dd eow for 1 day Friday 5pm-Saturday 5pm.
Dd is 9, his 2 kids are 6 & 4.
We don't get on.. All contact changes/arrangements are made via text.

So I have just found out him and his wife are taking there to kids to Disneyland in December as there Xmas present!! And not dd!! She's not even been offered, I'm livid...as they did the same thing in December 2015 and dd also didn't get an invite then, although he said he asked her and she said no but when I asked her did he ask you she said she was never asked! (This was back in Jan 2016 when I found out they went)

Why wouldn't he take his other daughter, he has 3 children not 2!

Il admit I haven't always been an angel when it comes to making arrangements for him to see dd in the past... More so in the first 3 years of her life as he was the one who initiated the split, and I have said she couldn't go away with them before when they have asked, they also did pay for her to go away in the uk with them all last year but dd decided she didn't want to go a couple weeks before so she didn't go.

I just feel like this is so different, it's Disneyland Paris not a uk break!!

Aibu to ask what he's playing at ? Or does he have a right to have a holiday with his wife and the kids they have together and not involve dd...

Aibu to text and ask why dd hasn't been invited or should I just leave it? Im just so mad right now and don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 12/02/2017 21:53

I think you are massively underestimating the impact of her cancelling at the last minute (which if you have previous form they may think was down to you so likely to happen again). The difference in cost between a 2 bed holiday property - even if it's 'just' a UK caravan break - and a 3 bed can be really quite significant.

That's before you get to the fact that her father and siblings were mostly likely deeply disappointed and upset at her pulling out at the last minute.

It's not right. I cracked up when my ex took his kids on "holidays of a lifetime" three years in a row and totally forgot that he also has 2 daughters, but they've never bailed out last minute and I've never stopped him.

You need to speak to your ex (speak, not shout) and try and resolve the differences you two have for your daughters sake. You've played a part in creating this, you owe it to her to try and play a part in fixing it.

WiggleYourWoo · 12/02/2017 21:54

It's very sad- from what I've picked up is that for you and DD its not the family time that's important- but where they're going? So UK can't be arsed, but Disneyland- hell yeah?

Yes, user's attitude, nothing new, seen it all before.

Bahh · 12/02/2017 21:58

I feel really sorry for the kid and the father in this scenario.

Imagine he had asked, and daughter was so excited and enthusiastic and went and loved it. That kind of shoehorns him into attempting to recreate that feeling every time she visits. He should be able to do normal everyday things with her, or take 'boring' UK holidays and she come along and enjoy the time and fun along with everyone else. He shouldn't have to literally be a Disney dad just to get his own child to spend time with them.

And also your daughter. She's a kid. They often don't fancy doing stuff they don't deem fun enough. They should be made to anyway. They should be made to honour commitments and above all else wherever possible spend time with both parents. I bet she missed out on loads of fun on the UK trip :(

Bahh · 12/02/2017 22:00

Is you offering to pay towards her being added on last minute an option at all?

WannaBe · 12/02/2017 22:02

Why was a then eight year old allowed to decide not to go on holiday at the last minute?

My DS decided last year not to go on holiday with his dad, it followed a long period of him not wanting to stay there any more for various reasons. But he is A, fourteen (was thirteen at the time,) and B, it was made clear to him by both of us but especially by me TBH that if he starts deciding to not go on holidays then he needs to be prepared for the fact that in future he may simply not be included in such plans.

If a child wants to be considered old enough to have a say in whether they do/don't go somewhere, then they're also old enough to face the consequences of those decisions e.g. Not being included in the future.

And the reality here is that this is all your fault not theirs. Because you have manipulated the situation in order to obstruct contact and now are manipulating your DD in wanting to stay with you not go on holidays you deem unworthy.

you have created this situation. I hope you're proud of yourself. .

Rhayader · 12/02/2017 22:05

Just logistically it is quite a bit more difficult to take 3 kids, i assume they have a "family room" which will be a sofabed and a double bed. The additional expense of a 3rd child will be a lot more than just the airfare. Extra hotel room/upgrade to a suite, 7 seater car rental, meals etc

If he priced it up and asked for you to contribute half it would be an awful lot of money.

frigginell · 12/02/2017 22:07

I don't understand why it was your dd's choice to go on the UK break. When I book holidays, it's a given that the children are coming. My 9 year old wouldn't have a choice in it. I'm interested to know whether your dd is offered the choice of whether or not to go on holiday's you've booked too? Or is it just her dad?

I don't think it would be reasonable to expect him to pay for an expensive holiday for a young child who's given the opportunity to pull out whenever she likes. It definitely sounds like you have created this situation, and now your dd is missing out because of it.

IHaveBrilloHair · 12/02/2017 22:12

I think you've walked into this one.
It's really expensive, if she decides she doesn't want to go a couple of weeks before, like she did with the other holiday then what?
Remember, there's two other children too, your ex will have to explain their sister isnt coming after all, even though she said she was and they were all excited about it.

soggychips · 12/02/2017 22:17

It could also be to do with cost.
At 4 and 6 the children will stay and eat for free, at 9 your DD will up the holiday a significant amount. They would also need a family room and that will bring the cost up even more, a holiday they can afford as a 4 could be unachievable by adding a 5th person.

TinselTwins · 12/02/2017 22:17

You don't want her to go to spend time with her siblings and dad, you just want her to go because it's Disney? but you want THEM to invite her because she's family??

Underthemoonlight · 12/02/2017 22:17

I was prepared to say yanbu but you've refused holiday access in the past and your dd has refused U.K. Holidays I can see their point of view it's a lot of money to waste at last minute. My DS loves his UK holidays with his father and after some reflection I knew it was right for him to have the holiday with his DF abroad.

Original poster

MadGrrMad · 12/02/2017 22:22

She was really upset saying she didn't want to go before on the uk break and I had a christening to attend on the weekend that she was meant to be away, as I was the godmother I had to attend and I was afraid that she would go and then I'd have to go and get her as she would be upset and ruining the weekend for them.

Thanks, aibu, I think il just leave it and won't mention anything to them. I don't have the extra money to offer them for her to go and one of the above posters is right, paying for a 5th person would be a lot more expensive for them specially if she said she didn't want to go again and if I made her she might ruin there time away

OP posts:

Finola1step · 12/02/2017 22:22

I agree that this is likely to be because she dropped out of the recent holiday at short notice.

paxillin · 12/02/2017 22:23

I have said she couldn't go away with them before when they have asked, they also did pay for her to go away in the uk with them all last year but dd decided she didn't want to go a couple weeks before so she didn't go

You stopped her from going before. On that count, I wouldn't have asked her to prevent her being disappointed when you said no.

She decided not to go on a previous, already paid for, trip. On that count I wouldn't book such a very expensive trip for her to bail out on.

Maybe they want to try again with a cheaper, smaller trip in the UK first, and if that goes without a glitch, try the big ones again.

doubleshotespresso · 12/02/2017 22:25

Ok- while I can certainly understand your reasons for previously "not always being an angel with arrangements, I think that you must accept that this will inevitably influence decisions and plans your now ex makes.

Why not offer an olive branch/ potential solution along the lines of:

"Quite aware when we first split I could have handled things better, but now I hope we have all moved on in life, let's try and make DD the priority. I apologise again for amy previous difficulties, but hope you appreciate the place it came from. DD would love to join on your planned holiday, please do not exclude her from these plans based on our previous difficulties, she would really love to go too. "

And maybe offer to contribute to the costs of said trip?

Pride is an awful thing sometimes, but a beautiful thing to swallow if it means your DD doesn't lose out....

I guess the worse he could say is no?!?

Starlight2345 · 12/02/2017 22:26

I have to say don't blame dad here..

Firstly you refused.
Then booked a holiday and and 8 year old got to say if she wanted to go or not after it had been paid for.
She was asked if she wanted to go away in the uk no.

So yes I don't blame them not taking DD.

melj1213 · 12/02/2017 22:29

Maybe they want to try again with a cheaper, smaller trip in the UK first, and if that goes without a glitch, try the big ones again.

The only problem with that is that OP's DD "probably wouldn't want to go" on a UK break, and OP has no intent to force her, just as OPs Ex has no intent to be messed around again.

JogOnDear · 12/02/2017 22:33

Yeah sorry OP but this is sadly your doing and I hope you can see that your past behaviour has now resulted in DD missing out, and also behaving badly by allowing her dad to book a holiday then decide she doesn't want to go the week before.
If that were me I would have told her she was going.

Chloe84 · 12/02/2017 22:33

OP, have to say it's great that you were so honest about the backstory.

Hope posters see that you have agreed you're being unreasonably and won't keep telling you YABU.

I really feel for your DD. Does she know?

Lelloteddy · 12/02/2017 22:40

You have no right to be mad given your previous behaviour BUT I would definitely make an effort to hold out an olive branch as described above and see if you can salvage this situation.
We're all human and some anger is normal but this is a perfect example of how kids can suffer when adults sustain hatred for their Exs long after such feelings are 'normal'.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 12/02/2017 22:41

Hopefully you've explained the reasons behind her not being invited rather than make out it's their fault.

She will also learn she can't change her mind, she should have gone when it was booked but you were more than happy for her not to go.

I don't blame him not asking her, either he would be expecting her to say no at the last minute or you to stand by all the other times and forbid it. Why should his other children never get to go anywhere as you want to be petty.

Hardyloveit · 12/02/2017 22:45

I'm with the ex too!

Do you always let your daughter back out once something's been paid for?
On the chance she might ruin it? I don't think that's setting a good example at all and not really much discipline.... maybe it's actually you that doesn't want her to go?

Hmmmm..... not sure but maybe I'm being bit harsh but I don't like it when people use their children as weapons! Maybe that's why he only has her eow and hasn't taken you up on the offer of more, in case you change your mind again.

FinallyDebtFree · 12/02/2017 23:15

We've been on the receiving end of this...ex-wife said no to Disneyland trip so we never bothered asking again. Then she went mad because we went on a skiing trip and didn't include step kids.

She did it to be as vindictive as possible but that's biting her on the arse now as her kids are turning against her (that's a whole other thread though)

I'm also with the ex, children should honour commitments and not be allowed to back out unless ill

anklebitersmum · 12/02/2017 23:58

Oh please

Your DD 'decided' she didn't want to go on a holiday which had already been paid for last year at 10 years old? PAH! I bet you'd have made sure her ten year old behind got in the car if it was your hard earned money she was looking to waste.

OP you have only one real route here. Talk to the ex.

Apologise for your previous behaviour and assure him that you will support him fully from now on in. No more last minute 10yr old decisions or being awkward just because you can. Offer to silently pay half for the trip if you need to to convince him that you are genuine.

You should really be talking to your DD too and carefully explaining that her Dad hasn't invited her because YOU have played games and then allowed her to cancel last year and that as the adult you shouldn't have.

This situation, I am afraid to say, is mostly of your own making and you're going to have to own that if you want a real chance of rectifying this for the sake of your daughter.

Deathraystare · 13/02/2017 09:22

Poor kid used like a pawn by angry parents playing spiteful games. Sad.

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