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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding AIBU: to not have an evening reception?

93 replies

BriefParanoidNameChange · 12/02/2017 16:05

What would you think of this wedding timeline, if you were a guest..:

2.30pm Wedding ceremony

3pm (ish) Photos, milling about out and inside hotel, canapés, drinks, chatting

5pm Dinner, speeches, trala.

7/8ishpm...finish?

This is a location about an hour from the city where most guests will be travelling from. Some will be further (sorry) but driveable.
To make matters delightfully complicated, my family won't be coming to our wedding, for sad, hard to explain reasons relating to their religious beliefs. Obviously I'm feeling rubbish about this because I love them very much, and I just don't really want to drag the day out for hours. I'm obviously excited/delighted to be getting married, and want everyone to have a good time, so I was just hoping that people wouldn't see this layout as a bit of a letdown or boring. My anxiety about this wedding is a real pain, so I thought a MN AIBU thread was the way to go 😜 Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 12/02/2017 16:53

I like weddings like this, when I have attended family ones, then when its ended, most people have gone off in groups to maybe have a meal or carry on drinking. So its good if its somewhere central where that can be done easily or say in a hotel that has a bar for anyone who wants.
I find most evening do's very boring, blaring disco, can't hear or chat, still with people you have spent the day catching up with and are all caught up with. And no seats! Leaving around 8 is perfect.

treaclesoda · 12/02/2017 16:54

OP, this is more or less exactly the timeline we followed at our wedding many years ago People seemed to enjoy it and it meant they were off home early, which pleased them too.

PurpleDaisies · 12/02/2017 16:55

I'd take it that I'd have to leave at 8pm.

You might want to say "departure of the married couple" or similar at 8pm but the venue will be available until ... for those of you that wish to stay and celebrate our marriage.

Bumbumtaloo · 12/02/2017 16:58

We didn't have an evening 'do'. We married at 11.30, everyone then came back to our house for a BBQ. Everyone left by 7 and I was in bed by 9 (to sleep!).

Everyone was aware that there was no evening part and because we had the BBQ at our house we would have to put our DD to bed - her room was at the back.

So I would say if that's what you want go for it, I would just make sure everyone knew in advance that it was an early finish.

viques · 12/02/2017 17:00

Sounds fine to me, I can imagine that some people who haven't seen each other will still want to chat and mingle, so the pp suggestion of putting money behind the bar, and maybe arranging for coffee and sandwiches informally later in the evening is a good idea. Maybe chat to the hotel about it, wouldn't cost much. I think it would be rather nice, everyone can relax, loosen their belts, take off their hurty wedding shoes and chill. Not everyone will stay, but quite a few will I imagine.Unless you and your new husband are desperate to leap into bed (!) you might enjoy it too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 12/02/2017 17:00

YANBU to do this but...........

I did exactly this at my first wedding and at 8pm everyone was leaving and I didnt want them to! I wanted to keep having fun with my friends and my then husband felt the same. What was supposed to be a romantic evening for us, was a bit of a let down for us both as we were both in celebratory mood. We didnt necessarily want a big party but just an evening in the hotel bar with some friends would have been fun.

londonrach · 12/02/2017 17:01

We did that. Venue was open to us until whenever. No disco etc as old flagstones in 14th century manor house. Everyone who came came for full event. Ended up around a log fire playing games by 8pm. I went to bed 9.30 but hear some went 10pm whilst a few lasted till 11pm. Everyone relaxed and joking (those who stayed..they didnt have to) at breakfast. Sounds perfect op...do it

OneLumpOrSeven · 12/02/2017 17:05

If I did put 'carriages at 8pm' or whatever on the invitation, would that make people think they had to be out by that time though?

Yes. So anyone that travelled may be a bit annoyed at being chucked out at 8pm. Give your guests the option of staying in the bar afterwards and put that the bride and groom will be departing at 8.

MollyHuaCha · 12/02/2017 17:06

Your day, your call! Sounds lovely. Make sure your guests know the timings for the whole day in advance so there are no surprised people.

Silentplikebath · 12/02/2017 17:07

DH and I did something similar for our wedding. It worked out very well for us!

INeedNewShoes · 12/02/2017 17:07

I disagree with viques - I think if your guests have been fed with nice canapes, then a proper meal and drinks up until 8pm, that you will have looked after them perfectly well. Putting more food on will make it seem as though the wedding is still continuing and then it will be odd that you have sloped off to your room.

As a guest I'd be happy to be left to my own devices from 8pm. I could choose either to head off, or if I was enjoying chatting I would begrudge buying myself a glass of wine and sticking around to chat to old friends.

chinam · 12/02/2017 17:10

I think your plans sound great. I'm sorry your family won't be there to enjoy it with you.

Original poster

BriefParanoidNameChange · 12/02/2017 17:10

It's tricky, because I do want to stick around and talk to people, but I also do just want to go and be on our own in the evening...in the hotel room awkwardly close to the reception area I'll restrain myself tho

OP posts:

Original poster

BriefParanoidNameChange · 12/02/2017 17:12

Thanks chinam. It's a rotten situation, especially as we're actually very close, but I've just got to accept it really. Urgh.

OP posts:

MTMFH · 12/02/2017 17:15

That's sad about your family. Weddings don't have to follow a certain timetable, and as long as guests know in advance, I don't see there being an issue. A brief plan of the day with your invites might be the best way.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/02/2017 17:15

I think it is fine, but if it is a destination wedding where a lot of people as you are saying would be travelling quite a way to, then there does need to be something in the evening for those that are staying.

It isn't like a wedding where everyone is 10 minutes from home.

OuchLegoHurts · 12/02/2017 17:16

I love weddings (when I get the chance!) but I think your wedding sounds great, as long as people have somewhere to continue drinking and socialising when the main event is over. I'd be delighted not to have to endure all that cringey dancing , but still be able to hang around a nice hotel bar with others, having chats and drinks. Just tactfully let people know in advance that you're not into the dancing and wedding band side of things so it will taper off after the dinner and they should be more than happy.

BaggyCheeks · 12/02/2017 17:20

I think that sounds great! We're getting married in April and not having an evening do - just family so we've told them that the ceremony is at 11, then what pub we're decanting to before the meal at 1. We'll be going back to PILs after for cakes and drinks so there's no set ending time, but no expectation either.

You could go for the "departure of married couple at 8pm" bit, or you could lay it out as "Ceremony to be followed by meal and drinks" where it would say "followed by evening reception" at the bottom of an invitation.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 12/02/2017 17:20

Piglet the wedding is a one hour drive for most people. That isn't what I would call a destination wedding.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 12/02/2017 17:21

I've been to a couple of less formal weddings that have celebrated in a restaurant, or in a hotel bar with games including twister. Both were lovely chilled out evenings where people chatted and entertained themselves well into the evening.

You could describe it as an end of formal celebrations. Is there the means to continue after 8? It would only be odd if people weren't warned that it was going to be a late one.

GREATAUNT1 · 12/02/2017 17:21

It's your wedding so you can do exactly as you like. We got married, went to cemetery to see parents & lay flowers, had a meal, in the evening we met up with family for drinks. It was what we wanted, & we had a great time.

ChopOrNot · 12/02/2017 17:25

How many people are attending?

Could you let people know a venue (even if is the hotel) where the bar will be open/they will be welcome to continue their own evenings after carriages. And maybe put a bit of ££ behind the bar to offer a generous hosting touch? Or maybe spot a good friend of yours some cash to buy a round or two? Or a few trays of champagne to move the party to the next step iyswim.

"The carriage for the bride and groom is at 8pm. However please do not rush off. The hotel will be delighted to welcome you into the Dambusters Bar Area for further drinks."

Drquin · 12/02/2017 17:26

It's your day, your celebration, so it can look whatever you want it to look like. Use that logic for the speeches too ..... don't have them if you don't want to.

But I agree, id let guests known the rough timetable ..... perhaps a "bride § groom leave at 8" rather than "carriages at 8". There's a little suggestion of it being "old-fashioned" in that you're planning on leaving before the end, which is good! Rather than suggesting the party HAS to end at 8. But gives enough suggestion that there's not going to be raucous music until the early hours.

It also allows you the flexibility to stay longer if you feel like it on the day.

The other option would be to make it a later start. Ceremony perhaps 5pm, photos & drinks until say 7. Then a sit-down meal at 7.30. I would assume that it's a "meal & drinks" celebration not a "party all night one". But depends if your issue is just finishing early, as opposed to not having music / dancing etc

Have a great day whatever you do.

TempusEedjit · 12/02/2017 17:26

I didn't have an evening do, we put on the invites that the day was 10:30-18:00 (with timings given for ceremony, wedding breakfast etc) and we would be heading to the bar for informal drinks and snacks after that if anyone wanted to join us. People still mention our wedding fondly and they seem genuine about it

Original poster

BriefParanoidNameChange · 12/02/2017 17:28

"end of formal celebrations" is good!!
Majority of guests will be travelling from the Central Belt, but there will be some travelling from England and possibly from way up north of Scotland. They're either elderly or have young kids though.

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