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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate my dp for saying this?

30 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:19

I've been ill for the past week with flu, starting to feel better now but have had a headache for about 4 days now.

My relationship with my dp is not good at all but he's surpassed himself today. I was saying to my 13 year old dd about my headache when my dp said "Maybe it's a brain tumour"! We'd had a few cross words earlier but that was finished with.

I have severe health anxiety and have been going through a particularly hard time for the last 6 months with it. Every day is a huge struggle and I do my absolute best to keep it hidden from my dc's but unfortunately my dd has anxiety and some of it surrounds health. The look on her face when he said this was awful. I feel like shouting and screaming at him but obviously I have to stay calm.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 14:20

Not at all and I'm sorry dp is an arse. Why are you with him?

user1484226561 · 12/02/2017 14:23

I dunno, was it jokey? concerned? odd thing to say, but also an odd thing to have such a strong reaction to.

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:24

I really don't want to split the family up as I've been married and divorced before and it had an awful effect on my now 25 year old dd at the time. Also my parents split up when I was about 9 years old, it was a really hard time.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 12/02/2017 14:27

I'm guessing he knows about the health anxiety - was he pre-empting you (and being sarcastic) or preying on potential fears? Either way, it's not caring and loving.

You need to speak with him about it as it was not on.

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:27

Not jokey, not concerned.

I had a strong reaction to it because he knows about the health anxiety, which can be crippling. I'm more annoyed that he said it in front of our kids.

He said it out of nastiness.

OP posts:

DomesticDisgrace · 12/02/2017 14:27

If your DD has anxiety maybe you shouldn't have been going on about your headache to her?

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:28

Probably sarcastic and hitting me where I'm most vulnerable tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:30

Domestic - I wasn't going on about it, I said it more as a passing comment. We've all been ill this past week.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 12/02/2017 14:31

That's really nasty. Is he your DD's father?

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 14:31

My relationship with my dp is not good at all
He said it out of nastiness.
Sometimes there are worse things than divorce for a child.

He might have lots of redeeming features, you might love hom dearly - I'm not saying ypu should ltb I'm just curious as to why you'd be in a relationship with someone who goes out of their way to hurt you

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:36

He is my dd's father.

I know I should leave, just don't know how to. I work part-time and the house is in his name.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/02/2017 14:39

Unfortunately if he gets away with being a prick because he knows you won't leave; there's no incentive for him to behave in any other way. So he'll be a prick!

He shouldn't be; but this is no life for you and an awful model for your daughter. There has to be a way out and there are worse things than divorce.

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 14:39

^^this

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:42

I don't think I love him anymore, haven't for a long time. I'm scared of the unknown.

OP posts:

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 14:44

I'd be scared of a lifetime with someone ypi dont love and who doesnt respect you.

House brought or rented? I'd get on to the local HA and get your name down for housing - waiting lists can be long but it'll give you options

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 14:48

I'm scared of it all! I have low self-esteem and doubt myself a lot.

He is buying the house. If I do go to the council and eventually get a house I have no way of furnishing it.

OP posts:

ElderDruid · 12/02/2017 14:54

What was he thinking? I doubt very much that it's anything sinister, but what a dick.

What worries do you have health wise? Are they usually unfounded worries or based on actual diagnosed illnesses?

I'm perhaps the opposite, I get nagged at to see health professionals but defiantly do my own thing as I don't see the fuss.

RachelRagged · 12/02/2017 14:54

What a horrible person he sounds.

You would get help with furnishing somehow OP , or even the BHF furniture shops are very good value for money.

ElderDruid · 12/02/2017 14:55

Sorry read that back, I mean I don't get the fuss people make about me. Just to specify.

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 14:56

Op do you work?

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 15:02

I usually have some benign symptoms that my anxious brain will turn into a life threatening illness within a very short time, which then leads to a massive downward spiral into a breakdown of my mental health.

I do work but only part time and there's next to no overtime atm. I also have bad credit so renting is out of the question.

OP posts:

Joanna0685 · 12/02/2017 15:03

He is buying the house. If I do go to the council and eventually get a house I have no way of furnishing it.

You would be surprised how helpful people are, freecycle also and charities. I don't think this is the real reason you are staying.

Original poster

Kaylasmum49 · 12/02/2017 15:06

This is part of the reason I'm staying. My kids would be devastated if we split. I work evenings and he watches the kids, don't know how that would work.

OP posts:

annoyedofnorwich · 12/02/2017 15:08

I fully sympathise with you but just considering where he may be coming from, is he possibly worn down by what he interprets as you being over dramatic about symptoms? So he's snapped and said something unpleasant? Doesn't make it okay, but people who make a big deal of minor things can get irritating especially if you aren't feeling well yourself. Please don't take this personally- it's not intended to offend but just to suggest what may be behind his unkind behaviour.

Wadingthroughsoup · 12/02/2017 15:09

for you OP. I have health anxiety too and it can be exhausting and terrifying in equal measure. My DH is very patient and always listens to my fears, without either belittling or inflaming them. It must get a bit tiresome to listen to the same merry-go-round of fears all the time, but he understands that it is part of my mental illness and treats it accordingly.

Your OH seems to have little understanding of or empathy for you, and it sound so as though there are other problem too.

I know nothing about divorce or separation, but surely if you were to leave him, he would be obliged to provide some financial support for you and your child?

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