Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

AIBU to only have one child?

43 replies

Iloverichtea · 12/02/2017 11:26

First time poster, please be gentle!

I'm 33 and have one DS, 5mo. We were TTC for over a year before I got pregnant, both DH and I love him to the moon and back!

Here's my problem - I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, have suffered with it my whole life. I have intense bouts of anxiety every couple of years or so that tend to be triggered by events in my life, one of which was pregnancy. I was terrified something would happen to DS, so I was obsessive about movement watching, what I ate etc. It was really tough on both me and DH.

Now DS is here, I think I'm feeling a bit better, however my anxiety is still really really high. Essentially, it's obsessing whether DS is going to develop a horrible illness and I'll miss it, I can't tell you how many times I've taken him to the GP. It's incredibly stressful.

Given all of this, WIBU to stick with DS as an only? I'm not even sure I want another child, but I guess when I thought about children I always pictured having at least two. My DH is currently wanting to stick at one, I think I'd possibly like another but I'm up in the air, if we only ever had DS I'd be fine with that. Is it selfish to have an only child through choice? I don't know anyone else who has.

Oh, I'm on anti anxiety medication, have had extensive cognitive behavioural therapy, am under the care of the peri natal psychiatry team, have a CPN etc, so I'm already receiving all the help I can.

Sorry that was so long!

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 12/02/2017 11:27

No it's not selfish at all!

Cakingbad · 12/02/2017 11:28

Having an only child is absolutely fine - and very common. I know loads and they're all lovely.

ThisIsANormalLife · 12/02/2017 11:28

No, one is not in unreasonable. I would say don't worry about making it a firm decision now though, he is only 5 mths and you are only 33, it doesn't have to be a settled thing for a lot of years yet (unless you really want it to be).

ThisIsANormalLife · 12/02/2017 11:29

Ps, I have an only. She's awesome

TurnipCake · 12/02/2017 11:30

Is it selfish to have an only child through choice?

If you're a woman, then anything you do with your uterus is selfish, so you may as well do whatever you want.

Am an only child, it was fine

Floggingmolly · 12/02/2017 11:30

Of course not. If you change your mind a bit further along the way that's fine. If you continue to feel you don't want to do it again, that's fine too.
Not selfish at all.

Cakingbad · 12/02/2017 11:31

And hope your anxiety eases off soon. We'll done to you for getting all the help you need. Wish you and your DS every happiness.

user892 · 12/02/2017 11:31

We have a single child. She's super fab and will never have to suffer sibling rivalry. She's super outgoing and makes friends easily. Life will be cheaper too!

confusedandemployed · 12/02/2017 11:33

If YABU then I am too. I have one and no desire for any more. She's enough child for anyone!

gamerwidow · 12/02/2017 11:33

I have an only who is 7. she is the most lovely happy well adjusted child and I adore her. I have never regretted only having one. Before I had her at age 34 I was planning on 2 children but I was so ill with PND and GAD for the first year of her life that I couldn't face having another. I would wait and see how you feel in a years time, you're still young enough to have another if you want to. There is no need to make the decision now and if it does turn out you only want one it's ok.

KoolKoala07 · 12/02/2017 11:34

I think it's perfectly acceptable to have one child. He is only young though so you may feel differently in a year or 2.

Kennington · 12/02/2017 11:38

Women are considered selfish for having one child (lonely!) or too many (neglecting them! Too poor!) or none at all. Do what you feel comfortable with.
I have one and we all love it. Others get one better with 3 or 4. Each to their own.

SmileEachDay · 12/02/2017 11:38

My single DC often says "I'm the only one allowed to call you mummy". His expression is one of satisfaction

afromom · 12/02/2017 11:42

I have/had an only. DS is 12 now. Situation has changed over the past three years as I am now with my lovely DP who has a 10 year old daughter, so I guess you could say ds isn't strictly an only. I would have remained at one though had I not met DP (wasn't planning on meeting him it just kind of happened!)
DS has had a great life in terms of experiencing things many children haven't, he's very able to socialise with adults and children. Spent a lot of time with adults as my friends had children much later than me, but I was also very proactive in organising play dates with school friends and extra curricular stuff when younger. (Which I had time and money to do as i didn't have anyone else to consider).
DSD on the other hand has not been abroad, doesn't get to do clubs etc (we can't organise as don't live close enough) and often misses out due to having 2 other siblings.
So in my opinion, what ds has missed out on in company (which I don't really think he has), he's by far gained in experiences, holidays, activities, more available disposable income etc.
As others have said you have lots of time to change your mind.
People ask me all the time if I'll have another child with DP and whilst the idea is nice we absolutely are not going to as we are happy with our situation money wise, freedom to do things with and without kids.
Only you can make the decision, but both options are good options if they are the right one for you.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 12/02/2017 15:12

I've had an only child through choice - she's a very happy, well rounded, fabulous girl who gets to pursue all the interests she loves because we've got plenty of time, energy and money to devote to her. We've never wanted another.

Of course it's not selfish to have an only child! The adult onlies I know well are happy people. There are a good number of onlies in DD's year at school - I think it's becoming more common as peole have more reproductive control and feel less willing / able to fall in line with old fashioned constructs of 'an idealised family'.

IMO the only reason to have another baby would be because both you and DH want one for itself (not as a sibling, or support when you're old etc). To have a child for any other reason would be 'selfishness'. Your baby is very young, don't worry about this now - don't cross the bridge before you need to.

ElspethFlashman · 12/02/2017 15:16

I have two. It's made me realise what a valid sensible choice having one can be.

Going from one to two is like going from one to four. Its definitely not suited to everyone that's for sure.

PoorYorick · 12/02/2017 15:21

I like it when people claim personality flaws are down to being only children because it saves me the trouble of having to discover that they're idiots. Otherwise it can take ages to realise.

Purplebluebird · 12/02/2017 15:23

Yanbu! We're also sticking with one child due to my mental health problems (including anxiety). He's 3 years old now, and I have to admit I LOVE it. I love having one child rather than several, I love him, and I love all the opportunities we can give him because we have 1 rather than 2-3-4. There are some lovely fb groups if you're on fb. Peaceful parenting of only children, and my first, my last, my everything. Great support there :)

spankhurst · 12/02/2017 15:27

One is fab. I have one and he is marvellous. It's no more 'selfish' to have 2 than one. Many adult siblings barely speak anyway.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 12/02/2017 15:27

Of course you're not. In fact, it's selfish if you have another child out of a sense of obligation. There are many good reasons to have children but that's not one of them. Your DD will be absolutely fine as an only child if that's what you want.

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 12/02/2017 15:31

One thing I've learnt since having my DD- do what suits you, your DS and your DH. Everyone else has their opinions but thats all they are, just opinions.

SheepyFun · 12/02/2017 16:16

Much better to have one who you can care for well than have more and be unable to cope (we only have one). There are good reasons to have more than one child, but they don't include 'because we should' or 'because child 1 needs a sibling'.

ninenicknames · 12/02/2017 16:18

I will only have one. That's just the way it's turned out

HumpHumpWhale · 12/02/2017 16:22

I was just thinking today that while I love DD and only regret having her at 4am when she's just woken me for the 7th time don't regret having her, and always wanted 2 kids, it was actually really nice just having one and I do miss it a bit. And what a nice life it could be as a family of 3! I know there's lots of good stuff to come as a family of 4, too, but yeah. I don't think either is better, really.

Waterfeature · 12/02/2017 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flip

1 2