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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to only have one child?

43 replies

Iloverichtea · 12/02/2017 11:26

First time poster, please be gentle!

I'm 33 and have one DS, 5mo. We were TTC for over a year before I got pregnant, both DH and I love him to the moon and back!

Here's my problem - I have been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, have suffered with it my whole life. I have intense bouts of anxiety every couple of years or so that tend to be triggered by events in my life, one of which was pregnancy. I was terrified something would happen to DS, so I was obsessive about movement watching, what I ate etc. It was really tough on both me and DH.

Now DS is here, I think I'm feeling a bit better, however my anxiety is still really really high. Essentially, it's obsessing whether DS is going to develop a horrible illness and I'll miss it, I can't tell you how many times I've taken him to the GP. It's incredibly stressful.

Given all of this, WIBU to stick with DS as an only? I'm not even sure I want another child, but I guess when I thought about children I always pictured having at least two. My DH is currently wanting to stick at one, I think I'd possibly like another but I'm up in the air, if we only ever had DS I'd be fine with that. Is it selfish to have an only child through choice? I don't know anyone else who has.

Oh, I'm on anti anxiety medication, have had extensive cognitive behavioural therapy, am under the care of the peri natal psychiatry team, have a CPN etc, so I'm already receiving all the help I can.

Sorry that was so long!

OP posts:

Waterfeature · 12/02/2017 16:24

I've had 2nd thoughts about that post and asked for it to be deleted -- not helpful to the OP. Apologies

stevie69 · 12/02/2017 16:35

You have as many, or as few, as YOU see fit. It's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

Enjoy your one, or two if you decide to have another

S xxx

augustusglupe · 12/02/2017 16:48

We have an only child. She's all grown up now and is happy, has a great job that she loves and is very outgoing. Having said all that, if I could go back and have another child, I would. But I'd do it for me, not just because DD would have a brother or sister. Trust me, your DS will be fine
If you feel at any time that you want another child, then absolutely do it... but if it's just so you don't have an only child, then don't.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/02/2017 17:00

I like it when people claim personality flaws are down to being only children because it saves me the trouble of having to discover that they're idiots. Otherwise it can take ages to realise.

PoorYorick, I wish there was a "Like" button for posts like yours. I have an only by choice and have had to endure some criticism from interferingconcerned idiots acquaintances. The two most memorable comments came from a couple who said I was cruel, and a colleague who was describing a student to me - an only child, "you know, with all the baggage that that brings" .

My only child is happy, well-balanced, quite content with his lot. He gets a lot of love and as a family we have money to enjoy our lives in a little bit of comfort. He has a busy life with lots of friends and cousins.

However, as a PP said, DS knows a number of only children (including two of his cousins) so he does not feel in any way different from his peers. He knows that there are all sorts of families out there of every shape and size. I think the world as a whole has moved on considerably from the stereotype of the "lonely only"- although you do still get the odd idiot as proved above...

Blackbird82 · 12/02/2017 17:08

I only have the one. He is almost two and although I have toyed with the idea of having another, we have decided against it.

Like you, I also have anxiety. It also ramped up significantly after he was born and I'm still struggling with it now, although therapy is really helping. Personally, I don't think I would be able to cope with more than one, I know my mental limitations! I love my son so much but it's so hard. There are so many other things I want to do with my life, particularly concerning work and I just don't want to go through pregnancy, labour and the early years all over again.

Funnily enough, it's not as uncommon as you might think. In my NCT group, only one other couple definitely want more kids!

AntiQuitty · 12/02/2017 17:14

Dh is an only child & was very happy with that. Ds1 was an only for 7 years and dh wasn't fussed about anymore, it was me who wanted another.

It's certainly not selfish to only have the number of children you are happy to parent.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 12/02/2017 17:16

No experience of onlies, but you have to do what works for your family. If you are a family of 3, then fantastic.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 12/02/2017 17:26

No of course you are not U. End of story.

QueenofLouisiana · 12/02/2017 17:49

We decided to have just one child for similar reasons to yours. My PND ruled our lives for almost a year, destroyed my confidence and gave me nightmares- I developed OCD as a result of the anxiety I felt about DS.

He is almost 12 now and we are all very happy- DH would have ideally liked another child, but realised that we were better to stop at one. We've spent the last 2 weekends supporting DS in a sporting competition, very difficult to manage if you have another child to consider.

It's not an unreasonable decision for any reason.

Mrstumbletap · 12/02/2017 18:10

We have one and love it. Love the balance and time to yourself, if one takes DS to the park or up to bed the other can relax a bit.

I have a few friends with just one and staying at one and it's great as we feel exactly the same. I find one and being a parent in general a challenge, having two would stress us out, and we would rather be chilled parents to one child, than stressed parents to two.

I also have a sister I'm not close to, she is hard work, so I don't think that sibling connection is always a good thing.

Frazzled2207 · 12/02/2017 18:15

Yanbu at all.
But with your baby at 5months and you at 33 there's no need to make it a "final" decision.
I'm an only and I turned out ok.
A few of my friends made a conscious decision to have "just"one and since having my 2nd I now realise how sensible that was!
I adore my two but I really do have too much on my plate.

Rumplestaleskin · 12/02/2017 18:16

I did originally want two children but I'm happy with one now for many reasons. I don't wish to return to the dark days of pnd. However, since my child was born I've been diagnosed with an eye condition that's exacerbated by significant hormonal fluctuation and would make caring for another infant extremely difficult. Nice to see there's a good attitude to onlies on this thread. The bottom line is do what you feel is right for you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/02/2017 18:19

Not selfish at all. I also presumed I'd have two, but health issues prevented it being possible to try for a second until I was 40 - at which point I did not want a second. My singleton child is now 18 and does not appear to have suffered from this . Don't beat yourself up - having one child is just fine.

haveacupoftea · 12/02/2017 18:22

I am pregnant with DC1 and cant see me wanting two. Frankly I want my child to have all of our love and attention and never want for anything. I had rather the opposite when I was younger - not because of my siblings so maybe i'm being irrational - but all I want is for my boy to have a happy comfortable cosy life.

Having said that I will be sorry that he hasn't got siblings as me and my siblings love each other very much and got each other through very hard times. But my baby will never know what those hard times as like, as long as I live and breathe.

Tatlerer · 12/02/2017 18:28

Of course it wouldn't be selfish OP. I think people can be far too hung up on siblings/ having more than one child being the only route to a happy childhood and well adjusted adulthood for the children concerned. It simply isn't the case.

Munchkin1412 · 12/02/2017 19:04

I have one 2 year old dd - I'm 37. We always planned two but I took two years to conceive dd and like you I was very anxious throughout pregnancy and when she was born. I struggled a lot with OCD thoughts and couldn't sleep for weeks as I was so worried something would happen to her. I'm still a worrier but it's eased off. We probably won't have another but I do wonder if having two would spread the anxiety a bit rather than doubling it, if you see what I mean!

BitchQueen90 · 12/02/2017 19:22

My DS is 3 and an only, and I plan to keep it that way. I'm 26 so I constantly hear "oh you'll change your mind." I won't. I don't want any more. My reasons are different to yours but I'm 100% sure.

I'm an only child myself and I think I've turned out fine.

PastysPrincess · 12/02/2017 19:23

If I had a £1 for every time I was told I was selfish for only having one...

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