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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what happens when you report a rape?

71 replies

WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 21:46

Feel sick and have no idea what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:14

I wasn't drunk at work though. I'm not that bad. And I got there on the bus. I didn't drive.

OP posts:
shandybass · 11/02/2017 22:14

Worried it's very natural to want to carry on as normal and to feel bad about not fighting back more and what happened before. Rape is a very serious offence and no matter when it was, what happened before, whether you were drunk, whether you knew him and had history if you said no or made it clear to him you didn't want sex then it's rape. It's only the evidence gathering and possibilities of conviction which are difficult. It in no way diminishes the crime, in fact it makes it worse as more men think they can behave abominably because the justice system is flawed and tipped against the victim.
The actual process of reporting is hard but can be cathartic in itself especially if you know he is arrested and questioned. Despite any bravado shown it's a chilling process for a rapist and he may well have done it before or will again if he's not at least questioned.
Having said all that you are the one that's important, you do what and when you feel you can.
Sending hugs.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 11/02/2017 22:14

Drinking last night doesn't matter. It happened this morning!
You can be raped whilst you are drunk. It still counts as rape.

Do you have anyone in RL to speak to OP?

Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:15

Why aren't I making any bloody sense? I keep typing but nothing I type makes sense.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 11/02/2017 22:15

You're making perfect sense OP.

Can you contact anyone in RL?

Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:16

But he said he could smell alcohol on my breath and am scared he will tell work I went to work drunk if I report him!

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:16

Even though I didn't.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 11/02/2017 22:16

Don't have a bath. You will still have evidence on you.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 11/02/2017 22:18

And so what if he does tell work you were drunk. Tell them you drunk last night. It's not a crime to go to work hungover. He actually did do a crime

SmileEachDay · 11/02/2017 22:18

That's not going to happen OP.

Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:20

OK no bath. Just a cup of tea will be fine I think.

Then I will think about what I need to do.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 11/02/2017 22:21

Tea is a good idea.

Do you have anyone you could call?

Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:23

I don't think so no.

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 11/02/2017 22:23

Apart from him (maybe) telling work you were drunk what else is holding you back from reporting OP?

hungryhippo90 · 11/02/2017 22:26

Worriedwendywoo,

It sounds like you are feeling some guilt, or responsibility for what happened to you because you had been drinking. Let me just make this clear, it is not your fault. He took advantage of the fact that you were more vulnerable having had a bit to drink. Please do not take that to mean that this wouldn't have happened if you hadn't of had that drink.

Sex and Rape are two very different things. Rape is about control, please do not allow him the control of stopping you from reporting this, through fear of him making untrue allegations.

You will be ok, it will take time for you to process this. It's not your fault, it's normal to take its time.

I believe that you may need to have an examination, they'll take swabs and take notes of injuries, which I believe are used as evidence.

They'll take your account of what happened.

They'll arrest him, interview him, and hopefully tie him up by his bollocks.

I believe that's how it all happens at least. I had gone through a similar process when I was sexually assaulted.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you have some support.

Hope you are ok.

Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:26

I don't know Sad.

They might not think it was rape because I didn't exactly try to stop him. I just told him to stop it and to get off me and that he was hurting me.

I just thought I would put up more of a struggle that's all.

OP posts:
SmileEachDay · 11/02/2017 22:28

0808 802 9999 - national rape crisis number

Original poster
WorriedWendyWoooooo · 11/02/2017 22:28

I don't want to be touched.

OP posts:
creepymumweirdo · 11/02/2017 22:28

I didn't want to read and run OP. I too am sorry this is happening to you. You are strong, capable and valued and we are all standing with you Flowers

SmileEachDay · 11/02/2017 22:29

Call rape crisis OP - they are trained to talk you through this. They won't pressure you into doing anything.

seven201 · 11/02/2017 22:30

You told him to stop and he didn't. For what it's worth I think you should call the police, but I appreciate it's easy for me to say as it didn't happen to me. I don't think the telling work your breath smelt of alcohol (when it didn't) is worthy of worrying about. I have no experience or knowledge about this but I suspect not physically pushing back and carrying on as normal eg going to work are quite 'normal' responses. Best wishes Flowers

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 11/02/2017 22:30

I'm not sure anyone can say what they would or wouldn't do in that situation. I would hope I would put up a fight but that doesn't always happen.

You told him to stop. He didn't. He wouldn't let you leave and forced you. Not sure how that can be seen as consensual

Coldilox · 11/02/2017 22:31

Nobody will make you do anything you don't want to do.

And you don't have to fight back for it to be rape. You made it clear you did not consent.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 11/02/2017 22:33

You don't have to have an examination (although I think you should).
If you call the police (someone put the number above) then they will send someone to talk to you and you can speak it through with someone who is trained in this.

I really think you need to speak to someone in real life

shandybass · 11/02/2017 22:33

Worried please don't worry. Shock and horror of a situation often make people behave differently to how you think you would. It's very natural and very understandable and the police will be very used to such feelings.
I remember seeing my friend collide in front of me on a bike. I was trying to scream at her but nothing would come out. It haunted me.
If someone told you to stop spoonfeeding them and that it was hurting and you continued wouldn't you expect them to say you were in the wrong?