Aibu? Party invite

[Happysea]

Hi I may well be being totally unreasonable but I'm perplexed at what's going on and feel very sorry for my daughter. She was 7 yesterday. Last weekend she had a party that involved inviting 6 children to an activity and then to a pizza restaurant for tea. I've since found out that one of children had a party the weekend before for their birthday (my daughters invites were sent out over a month ago) with the same number of children but didn't invite my daughter.

My daughter shares her birthday with another of the girls she invited. I've found out via Facebook (I know, I know!) that this friend is having a party tomorrow with quite a few children in my daughters class but my daughter again isn't invited. I understand that these children may not have wanted to invite my daughter (fair enough) but why come to my daughters party last weekend? More so, I would feel awful as a parent sending my child to a small party gathering one week (it took 4 hours in total and included me driving them all there and back) but purposefully not inviting that child back to their own daughters? I do suffer from anxiety so I may well be unreasonable. I just want to know if this seems normal?

Serial - i know, it's heartbreaking at times. How do you explain to a 7 year old that other people just don't like her as much as she likes them. I do - obviously, but it's tough for them. Our school has a culture of mum friends only including their friends children and not including kids from the less 'popular' families. I feel slightly 'used' I guess in that I went out of my way to take/collect/keep hold of this one girl on request of the mother so she could have a bit of breathing space and 'me' time. I do think requesting this is probably taking the piss a little! I honestly don't think there's anything wrong with encouraging your child to invite someone who has just invited them. I understand people have big whole class parties and then can't expect to be invited to 30 odd other parties. Anyway, this was the last year I do any sort of party - phew! She can invite one or two next year! I'm so over all the politics of the primary school playground!

I know what you mean - with ours the mums were very cliquey and I'm not like that, chatting to everyone but didn't want to be part of their groups and probably not wanted either because they were usually better off and had more in common I suppose. I remember one boy's mother asking me if I'd have him every Thursday night after school and I just said 'no', no explanation, just 'no' because by then I'd realised what users there are out there and I'd never do that to anyone - she could afford childcare so go and get it Chin up though Happysea, hasn't affected my son now and he's 17 and never in anymore - don't worry she'll be fine and will have maybe few but good friends when she's older

Op I've noticed that first born infant aged chidren particularly tend to have big class village hall parties.
Second or third born children of infant age tend to have smaller more personal/manageable parties. By juniors most kids have small parties! There will always be lots of parties that lots of kids don't go to.

The best thing you can do is not be bothered and set a good resilient example for your DC. Meanwhile work on developing strong friendships outside of school.

I've got 2 dc. One a social whizz, the other has ASD. So no stranger to either side of the debate.
I look at that I'm throwing the party for my child and it is purely for their benefit. I am happy that children come. One child gets fewer invitations than party goers. One child is invited to lots of parties and we aren't inviting every child who's invited that child. If is hard when I see parties that dc with ASD isn't invited too.
So be glad they came and made the party good for your dd!

Next year ask her to think about who her closest friends are? Who does she spend most of her time with? Who she plays with outside of school? Just invite the closest and dearest. They really are the best parties! Smaller, more manageable, more relaxing for us parents and more meaningful for the birthday child to be surrounded by endearing friends.

She is best friends with her sister who is 18 months older than her. They are very close knit which is lovely. Serial - you have filled me
With lots of hope for the future x

It happens. The best thing you can do is make nothing of it. Your child will learn from you how to deal with the ups and downs of life.

I totally agree, if you don't like the child enough to invite them to your party, don't go. At 7, tgey are old enough to make that decision. It is sad, don't invite them next year.

Aeroflotgirl are you suggesting that a kid who doesn't get invited to parties shouldn't have one themselves?

I don't think (Correct me if im wrong) that Aeroflot meant that. I think like me she thinks if a child who shares a birthday is having a larger party a week after another child who's invited them to a very small party it's a bit sad for the child not invited

What, no, just don't invite those who did not invite op dd to their party next year, they are not obviously close, or their parties just include chikdren of mummy friends. As op has said, next year she will just have a few very close friends, which is good. I have always invited those children who invited my child to their party. I thought it was the polite thing to do.

Aeroflot - I've always thought the same as you. I would hate to upset a young child in that way.

That's what I believe, though you will get others on here saying, Noway, they can invite who they want. At that age, children still have to learn to be thoughtful and kind.

I woukd ask my child, B do you want to go to ex party. If they say no, they don't really play with them, ok I will message the parent and decline, but of they say yes, then I will say, then B you have to invite ex to yiur party then. It's polite and kind.

I never have whole class parties anyway, just 15 at the most, not from the same class, but others my son plays with in that year group.

Aerooflotgirl what do you do though if you get more than 15 invites? Do you say no, they can't go because you can't invite them back?

Would you have felt better if they'd refused their invitations to your dd' s party then? Would your dd?

No, tgat has never happened, but I will invite them.

It's difficult isn't it? I think children will be quite delighted to attend a birthday party if invited, but that shouldn't necessarily oblige a reciprocate invitation. It should be freely given with no strings attached.

DD3 will be allowed a small ice skating party this year. By the time she has her sisters and her cousins, there are already 7 children, she has 3 children from previous preschool/school/moved school who are still close friends and she'll want to invite, so that's 10. She may well want to invite all the children who have invited her to parties this year, but If I insist she invites all the children who have invited her, she would get no free choice at all, and then isn't it unfair to any children who may have wanted to invite her to parties, but happen to have a birthday that falls later than hers?

It is hard for children when they don't get an invite and others do. I just explain that they couldn't invite everyone and for whatever reason they've chosen different people this time.

My cut-off is usually 5. Plus DD. DD has had more like 10 party invites easily this school year across school, Sunday school, gym etc. Was I supposed to say no to the parties she could go to and wanted to go to, including some kids I know aren't as 'popular' (I hate that word) as she is and will be having smaller parties kids might not turn up to, because I can't invite them all back when it's her birthday? If someone invites her, I take that at face value. I make clear that we live in an apartment and I do not do small parties, so we invite back close friends only. I really do not have the time or the energy to analyse the politics of it any more than an invite= they want her there.

Do not do big parties. I DO do small parties

The thing is, though, if all these girls are having small parties and they all invite each other to them, then you end up with an apparent 'clique' of friends who never invite anyone outside their little group.

In that situation, you could easily find yourself posting about how your daughter is not invited to parties and nobody comes to hers either, which would be worse I suppose.

It's a lot of pressure to put on friendships, which are pretty fluid at this age, and unfortunately, I don't think there is a way to make it 'fair' for everyone. Either you control the guest list, in which case you may be making more 'political' decisions than your daughter would like, or she does and you risk her choosing the people she likes but who may have other friends they like more. Perhaps cultivating some out of school friends might be a good way to get her to have a broader selection of friends to pick from next year?

Well I do the exact opposite! If my kids are invited I encourage them to always go unless they have a good reason for not going. I honestly think this "etiquite" of turning down invitations if you're not going to reciprocate is madness, the child has invited these 5/10/15 kids because they want those 5/10/15 kids and I'ld hate for them to end up disappointed that their chosen friends weren't coming to their much anticipated birthday party because of some MN etiquite that makes no sense from the kids point of view!

You tell kid X, who is invited to kid Ys party, because kid Y wants them to go, and kid X wants to go to kid Ys party, that they can't go? What????

Some kids have tight families and are obliged to invite cousins and family friends and will not be inviting 10 from school even to a 10 kid party, but they can't accept invites?

Thanks everyone. No I don't think children should HAVE to invite people back. It totally depends on the circumstance. In this case it was more that she hadn't been invited to the two either side of hers. It was more unusual to me I guess because of the timing. Anyway, as I can clearly see from this thread, this is an area of huge differences! I guess I fall into the 50% who think on this occasion maybe it would've been kinder to invite my daughter and the mums whose daughters it is obviously fall into the other 50% which is fair enough. It's been an interesting read! Thank you x

I love doing the kids' parties and I always have big numbers (although DD1 is only 6, so we're only just entering the realms of smaller parties this year). I will invite all the girls from DD1's class to her 7th birthday party this summer but would not expect an invitation back from each and every one of them. She has been to a couple of parties that were small numbers this year (around 10 seems 'the norm' for this age group around here) and I'm sure there have been lots of other parties that she hasn't been invited to. I wouldn't expect a reciprocal invite from every child who came to her party. I can see why you might be upset given that the parties were both small, but as others have said this is not necessarily an indicator of how much the child likes your child - the invites may have been based on parental relationships, on convenience, on a single conversation on a particular day when the birthday child named x, y and z as their preferred invitees (when they may well have named a, b and c if asked on another day - friendships run hot and cold on a daily basis sometimes!) I wouldn't take it to heart. Sounds like your DD has plenty of friends if everyone came to her party and enjoyed themselves.