Aibu? Party invite

[Happysea]

Hi I may well be being totally unreasonable but I'm perplexed at what's going on and feel very sorry for my daughter. She was 7 yesterday. Last weekend she had a party that involved inviting 6 children to an activity and then to a pizza restaurant for tea. I've since found out that one of children had a party the weekend before for their birthday (my daughters invites were sent out over a month ago) with the same number of children but didn't invite my daughter.

My daughter shares her birthday with another of the girls she invited. I've found out via Facebook (I know, I know!) that this friend is having a party tomorrow with quite a few children in my daughters class but my daughter again isn't invited. I understand that these children may not have wanted to invite my daughter (fair enough) but why come to my daughters party last weekend? More so, I would feel awful as a parent sending my child to a small party gathering one week (it took 4 hours in total and included me driving them all there and back) but purposefully not inviting that child back to their own daughters? I do suffer from anxiety so I may well be unreasonable. I just want to know if this seems normal?

I don't think it's "being a grown up mean girl" to not invite a child that invites yours to their party. Agree with pp it's not a strictly reciprocal thing. You need to develop a thicker skin on this one - mine are invited to Some and not to others and they genuinely aren't bothered.

That said I have every sympathy if your child is never invited that would be bloody heartbreaking.

but why come to my daughters party last weekend?

Because they were invited and wanted to come

OP seriously - would you have prefered if nobody came to your daughters party? How would that have been the right thing for them to do?

I think parties are a nightmare at primary for many children and parents. There seem to be a few kinds of parents, those that hold whole class parties so as not to exclude anybody, those that don't host but gladly accept every invite and those that have small ones excluding children whilst accepting invites from others.

We always did whole class parties for the first couple of years then changed to activities where numbers where around half the class. I ensured those who's hospitality we had taken up were included and stuck to those in the main. They tended to be friends by that point as old enough to decide for themselves.

OP if your daughter rarely gets invited to anything, has she picked up on it and is she affected by it?

If there's a potential issue, it might be worth checking with her teacher how she's doing at school socially?

Have the children known each other an equal length of time or is she new to the school?

Does she have some friends she sees on a regular basis for play dates outside of school?

Obviously.However when they are within a couple of weeks of each and similar small parties it is a bit shit to attend one and then have one the week after and not invite back.

100 times more shit to have nobody you invited come to your party, which is what the OP is suggesting, that the ones who didn't invite back shouldn't have accepted the invite to her DDs party

Happysea I am sorry this is shitty.

We have had experience of something similar.

Can I suggest a few things, if you wish.

1. Get some help to deal with your own anxiety, please. I had really horrible anxiety about 20 years ago and got talking therapy (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) on the NHS. It has really helped. I am fine now, not anxious at all. I also think assertiveness training is helpful too. This is to help you to be strong for your dd and help her handle any rejections etc.

2. Do you know why your dd is less likely to be invited? If so is there anything you can realistically do to help with this? I think trying to get children to change to fit in with others is not necessarily a good idea, unless the reason others may not like the child (as much as others) are down to anything antisocial etc.

3. Do you want to ask the other parents why this is? This is not me saying do it, just me asking! I really do not recommend asking/confronting other parents etc, especially if you are anxious.

However, if you were really able to handle comments in your shoes I would be interested to know the reason and might consider talking just to the parent I felt closest to about why your dd might be excluded.

I really think it is a good thing the other girls came to your dd's party and hope you will not let your dd find out about this.

My daughter had two friends she liked a lot who did not seem to reciprocate. Every year she invited them to her party. There was a boy and a girl who were in her first two years at school.

The boy came to parties just for a couple of years but the girl for ages from about age 5 to 8 or 9. There was never a reciprocal invite and we only visited the girl's home once (and boy's never).

I was so delighted the year dd left the boy and then later the girl off her list and concentrated on friends who invited her over etc.

She is till close friends to those early friends from Years 1 or 2 at school and these other two children I never hear about. I guessed the boy just was not that interested in her friendship but the girl, I found out, was upset by a stupid comment my dd had made once.

I never made a fuss about it and I was just thankful when those friends slipped into the 'history' category.

It is harder if they are all part of a group and so these girls may not become history if she is still friendly with others.

I'd really encourage your dd to make other friends, join things outside school too and to help her make more/better friends who will equally value her.

I agree it is hard, but as others have said, the other option might be for others to not go to your DD's party.

My DD2 got very few invitations at primary. I don't think she was actively disliked, but she wasn't in people's top 6 or 8. Her closest friend didn't have parties (and it took her until y4 to be confident enough to come to DD's).

I wouldn't have wanted the children we invited to DD's party to refuse because they weren't going to reciprocate. That would have been quadrupley sad for DD.

I think it would have been worse for them not to have come to your dd's party.
Then it would be "we had a lovely party all planned but they didn't even like my dd enough to come to her party".

For my dc:
Dd1 got invited to everyone's parties for years R through to 2 when people were having parties of about 10-15.. Really everyone's. I think it was she was generally nice and kind and was a safe number 10, so she got invited to loads. In year 3 people generally went down to 2-3 people trips and she only got invited to her best friend.

Dd2 hardly got any invites in year R-year 2. But they didn't drop off in year 3; she still got invited to her best friends and a couple of others.
I think it was that she had a stronger friendship group within the form, so she mixed less.

Thank you to everyone for replying. It's interesting to see that it's pretty much 50/50 as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not. But I can see the general consensus is I need to
Toughen up. Of course I haven't told my dd about the parties she's not invited to, I am more than aware
That I don't ever want my anxieties to be passed on to her. And of course I didn't want her friends to not come to her party if they weren't inviting her to theirs. That would be horrid for my child! I guess I have always tried to be careful of other peoples feelings to the point I've ended up inviting people my children wouldn't necessarily want just to not make someone else's child feel as shitty as mine have on occasions. I think I would at least explain to the parent why I couldn't return the invite to their child but that's just me and that's probably where I need to toughen up. I'm looking forward to the whole party primary school thing being over to be honest! An awful lot seems to come down to how popular a parent is rather than the actual child!

I think your perception of it completely comes down to which side of it you're on. I always noticed every single birthday party when I was in school, because I was never invited to any of them. I am much less aware of and bothered by the whole party thing with DD, although that's possibly because she isn't re-living my experience. I honestly don't know if I could name the child who hosted every party DD attended in 2016- it's just not something I've committed to memory. When her birthday comes around I'll ask her who she wants to invite and tell her how many friends she can have. Even if I did keep track, I don't know what I would say to the parents whose kid she didn't invite as to why we hadn't invited them. Sorry, I'm not hiring a hall, I have a two bed apartment so we've invited close friends only? At this age I think they all have different ideas about who their 'close' friends are that don't necessarily match up, I would be very, very cautious about going down that route. They also have different sizes of social circle, DD does a lot outside school and has close friends from other activities, so her parties so far have been a mix of friends from school and outside school. I go on the basis that if DD is invited to a party, it's because the host wants her to be there, not because they're assuming they'll get an invite back. Plus my previous point about not wanting another child's party to go unattended. I've been there.

If you're worried she isn't being invited as much as the other kids, I would suggest trying to arrange play dates or getting her involved in after school activities to widen her friendship pool. But ultimately, I would take the lead from her, and if she's got friends she plays with at school and she's not upset about it then I would let it go. I think these things can affect us as parents far more than they affect the child.

I hate it when my DCs are left out. DS has SEN and hardly ever gets invited to parties - once a year, he gets an invitation from one boy in his class who is lovely. He's been the only boy not invited several times. It breaks my heart for him. When he has a party we invite kids and they mostly turn up. I would be gutted if they didn't attend his party because they didn't invite him to theirs - it would be a double whammy of misery. Not good to be invited and therefore not good enough to celebrate with. I do wish that maybe some would reciprocate, but will take what I can get.

OP it is good you care about other kids. You just do need to prioritize you and your dd. To always look out for others and not yourself/dd is maybe a sign you don't value yourself enough. Assertiveness training might help that.

An awful lot seems to come down to how popular a parent is rather than the actual child!

it's not always popularity, but how reliable and contactable a parent is is a factor for me. If we're doing an expensive per head small party I will edge DD towards the kids whose parent's are good RSVPers and don't drop out of things last minute, if I know their phone number or facebook to chase up/confirm, all the better.

Yes I do need to be more assertive. I have a history of putting other people's needs first and I need to make sure that's not the case for my children. It's hard to portray yourself correct on here so you don't sound like a total loony! In fact most parents at school would be amazed to know any of this had bothered me as on the surface with acquaintances I'm very laid back and confident. They have no idea! Anyway, my dd had a lovely party and a lovely birthday so that's all good. I stared the whole primary school thing with rose tinted glasses. I am a teacher and hadn't seen the playground side of it. I went to an all girls secondary school and never once experienced bitching and ignoring of people at the level i see it in the school playground. Most people are nice though

From 9 onwards parental input fades anyway - good luck persuading your 10 year old to invite x because you want to for political/ guilt reasons - not going to happen!

It's not popularity as such, but the parents are a factor.

One of my DDs most best friend at school has a mother who has form for not RSVPing until after the party with "sorry DD couldn't come, thanks for the invite though" k! useless information at this stage! So I'm reluctant to reserve a £15 activity slot for her even though she's a lovely girl and DD really likes her. There is nothing wrong with that kid at all.

I would never exclude a kid because I didn't like their parent, but I will if they have form for messing around and it's a small party and pay per head. I'll include those kids if numbers/cost matter less e.g. a party at home or in a hall or a picnic.

It's just one of those things I think, I know that doesn't make you feel better though!

I had a similar annoyance over my DS's 13th birthday party last year. He insisted that he wanted a certain boy to come to his party ( he invited 7 friends ) but I knew - as did DS - that this friend had already had his birthday party that year ( big party 30+ children - DS not invited) and had a Halloween party just before DS's birthday - again DS not invited. It annoyed me, mainly because I felt DS had given a party place to a child who I believed didn't think that highly of DS, and he could have invited someone else. I just felt it made DS look abit of a fool , but it's what he wanted!!

I'm hoping it's just my children's school but the mothers really do still control who is invited to a 10 year olds party here. I'm sure it will be different at secondary though

Yes - having to follow the child's instruction even when you know it is crap. Like the time DD2 insisted on a craft party for 8 little boys full of post school exuberance. We had only ever had girl only parties and DD2 insisted her little male friends would love to make Huggy Bears and we were keen not to be sexist etc. It was a disaster DH and I still not fully recovered.

Not the case here - DD1 aged 10 has an iron rule over her invite list nothing to do with me (phew)

I agree with rainbows. I think it's good manners to reciprocate if possible.

The trouble with reciprocate if possible though is the 'if possible' part hinges on so many different factors. Popularity is just one part of it, the harsh reality is that some kids will get invited to more parties than others if every child in the class is simply asked to name their invitees. I do not say that as a stealth boast, I was the child never invited to anything. DD seems to get invited to a lot both at school and from out of school friends, which is definitely not a reflection of her mother's popularity! A lot of those parties are whole class plus soccer/gym friends/cousins/kids of parents' friends etc parties. We don't do big parties. So I get left with a child who gets invited to what I consider a lot of parties each year- assuming I have a decent idea of what a lot is at this age, I may not- and we can't do the big parties some do. We cannot possibly reciprocate all. Whereas I could easily have reciprocated for all every single year of my childhood. Again, I go on the basis that others will understand that not everyone does the huge party thing, and they will invite DD because they want her to be there, not because they want an invite back.

Just a thought - is your DD clear on who/what a close friend really is? Only asking because one of mine would always invite people he thought were his friends, but used to invite different people each year - it took me ages to work out that he thought people were his friends because they were kind to him in a lesson, or he happened to play with them one playtime, or the teacher sat them next to each other one time. Ask your DD to think of someone you regularly play with, who is kind to you, you make each other laugh, would stick up for you etc.

This is heartbreaking and I know because my son when younger got about 2 invites to parties in total - he used to be so upset and so was I - he never had close friends though, not until he got to around 14, and used to float between groups trying to fit in - it's really hard for the child to feel unwanted and also to have to hear all the wonderful things that happened on the following day at school and it used to break my heart