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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be unsure re ivf

47 replies

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:11

Basically i need ivf to conceive on the waiting list. Were 30 and 38. Im having doubts because...

I dont know if truly want kids or if im just going with the crowd and what people want. I hate missing sleep and playing baby/kiddy games. I hate not being able to do what i want. I like being able to go.on holiday at the drop of a hat.
Parents want grandkids but it would mean seeing more of them and theyre very controlling. I think im scared of being left alone if dh dies first but i know thats not a good enough reason to have kids

OP posts:

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:18

Anyone?

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 11/02/2017 12:20

IVF is hard work. It takes over your life for six weeks at a time. And that's before/if it works and you have a baby. You don't sound ready to me - it's not a criticism just an observation. Is it worth getting a bit of pre ivf counselling to explore how you are feeling? (I think I was offered some before we had icsi). On one level there is no rush and you really shouldn't start the process without feeling committed - on the hand success rates do drop off as you go through you 30's.

Notonthestairs · 11/02/2017 12:21

I've realised I've assumed you are 30

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:23

Im 30. I just dont know if i truly want kids that much

OP posts:

ladyballs · 11/02/2017 12:24

YANBU. I was 40 and looking at IVF with my XH. I met women who'd gone to extraordinary lengths to have their child, and I realised I didn't want to be a mum in the way that they did. I was also finding the medical investigations intrusive and upsetting.

I don't regret my decision. My life isn't the one I'd planned but it's great.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:26

OP posts:

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:29

I just dont know

OP posts:

indigox · 11/02/2017 12:32

You really need to decide whether you want children before you even look at getting on an IVF waiting list. Your parents want of grandchildren should be irrelevant in the decision, as does the potential issue of your DH dying first, you'll be "alone" anyway if your kids have grown up by that point.

user892 · 11/02/2017 12:33

If you're not 100% sure you want to have a baby, don't. I don't necessarily think it's about not being 'ready' (this assumes that childfree by choice is wrong).

Don't do it because it's expected of you, or to have company in later years.

You may change your mind and be overcome with wanting to have a child, or you might not. Either is fine x

Notonthestairs · 11/02/2017 12:35

I'd say if you're not feeling ready then you wait a year or two more. You might feel differently in which case great or not which is also great. Unless there is specific reason why you need to start treatment sooner?

Chinnygirl · 11/02/2017 12:35

You need to think about this first. It's not fair on the child if it has to grow up unhappy because it's mum is unhappy with him/her. Children can feel that.

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:38

I know weve been trying for two years already. By the time ivf comes and if it works it might be another two years. I feel like im being backed into a corner if i knew i could have kids id wait

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Notonthestairs · 11/02/2017 12:48

You've been trying for two years and now you are not sure you want children? Or now you are not sure you want to have to do ivf? Can you take 6 months or whatever to let yourself untangle some of your feelings? you need someone in RL you can talk this through with - someone neutral.

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 12:49

No one knows so there is no one to talk to. Im not sure i want kids

OP posts:

user892 · 11/02/2017 12:56

Someone neutral means a counsellor, or even the Samaritans - it's not just for the suicidal. Or even just posting here!

It's ok to not be sure. It's ok to not want to be a mother.

I'd take a year out from the 'trying', and see how you feel then.

KavvLar · 11/02/2017 12:56

OK.

If you knew you could have kids without invasive treatment, would you?

Is your relationship solid?

Are you financially stable?

Do you enjoy your life and lifestyle as it is now?

What's your support network like?

All questions that may help. I wasn't sure I wanted children, particularly given we had to have treatment. Personally, the feeling that I would regret never trying won out. I have two beautiful DDs now and it's the best decision I ever made. They are awesome little humans and we are a family unit now which is the greatest thing - I pinch myself often and question our good fortune.

BUT. It is fucking hard work. I was used to knowing what I was doing, I had a lovely life, good relationship with DH, holidays, spending on whatever I fancied. Now we have a lot less time money and freedom, and although our relationship was and is solid it was stretched to the limit, not just with all the treatment but with the shared care of DC.

You don't need to decide now. As Pps have said there is no harm in taking some time, having some counselling, see how you go. The clinic usually offer specific counselling as well. Good luck whatever path you take.

user892 · 11/02/2017 12:57

It's terrible you feel you can't talk to anyone in RL about this though - are you frightened of what your partner would say?

wideboy26 · 11/02/2017 12:57

If you are unsure about having children, then DON'T!! Having a family is bloody hard work and if you are half-hearted about it you will hate it and you may come to resent the limitations children impose - and the children themselves. It takes a great deal of courage to admit that you don't want children, but with all the unloved and unwanted ones you see around I respect and admire anybody who truthfully says they do not want them. It is a perfectly valid decision.

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 13:01

If you knew you could have kids without invasive treatment, would you?
Probably and i wouldnt overthink it

Is your relationship solid?
Yes
Are you financially stable?
Yes id get up to a years mat pay
Do you enjoy your life and lifestyle as it is now?
Yes
What's your support network like?
Not many people around us really

OP posts:

Fatbird71 · 11/02/2017 13:21

We went through ivf twice and it was an expensive and dismal failure. I cannot tell you the feeling of relief when we walked away after the second time, knowing it was over. We ended up adopting as we knew we still wanted a family. If you are not sure, I wouldn't recommend ivf. It's hard enough when you are sure. Make the decision that's right for you and best wishes for whatever that may be.

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 13:26

Fatbird glad it worked out with the adoption

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Lostwithinthehills · 11/02/2017 13:31

Speaking for myself the drive to have children was / is overwhelming. Desperate is not too strong a word. I struggle to put myself in the mindset of someone who feels ambivalent about being a parent but has children because it's on the list of things to do.

IVF treatment is gruelling and intrusive and I am surprised that you would seriously consider putting yourself through it if you are not absolutely certain that you want a child.

If you have a child you are making a commitment to make them the most important thing in your life. Do you think you can do that?

Original poster

JillyPeps · 11/02/2017 13:38

I would make the child a priority and i think we would be good parents

OP posts:

eurochick · 11/02/2017 13:47

I had similar doubts. I hated the idea of ivf and wondered if I really wanted a baby that much. If I could have just fallen on a cock and got pregnant, I wouldn't have done as much soul searching.

Four rounds of ivf later I had a daughter. I love her to bits but I think I could have come to terms with a life without children if I had had to. Although that's easy to say now it is something I will never have to do. In the middle of infertility hell it is hard to think straight.

KavvLar · 11/02/2017 13:57

OK so it sounds like it's the prospect of IVF and having to make a 'decision to have or not to have', slightly more than being definite that you don't want children?

I would absolutely recommend counselling to straighten your feelings and thoughts out into something you can work with. It sounds like you have the right foundations. I'd suggest you contacted the clinic which would do your IVF, and ask them about the counselling options they offer. You can go alone or with DH and see how it pans out.

At the end of the day you do have time and you don't need to decide right away. I think that's important to remember. Good luck.

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