To be unsure re ivf

[JillyPeps]

Basically i need ivf to conceive on the waiting list. Were 30 and 38. Im having doubts because...

I dont know if truly want kids or if im just going with the crowd and what people want. I hate missing sleep and playing baby/kiddy games. I hate not being able to do what i want. I like being able to go.on holiday at the drop of a hat.
Parents want grandkids but it would mean seeing more of them and theyre very controlling. I think im scared of being left alone if dh dies first but i know thats not a good enough reason to have kids

Thanks for your views much appreciated. It's such a hard choice I think if I didn't have problems would I feel this way? I know a lot of people without kids (by choice and not by choice) who have amazing lives so to me there are benefits of being child free. I do need to think about it x

Good luck. Hope things go well whichever way you choose to go.

I think sometimes having to have fertility treatment gives you far too much time to think. I used to find myself thinking "mmm, I don't think I want this after all" after yet another prodding and poking. Compared to friends who leapt in and got lucky quickly...they seemed far more laissez faire about it.

As it turned out, it didn't work for us and we made a conscious decision not to go any further rather than being one of those couples who throw absolutely everything at it. That just wasn't us.

It's fine to be child free, honestly, I don't know what's wrong with MN! There are plenty of non-parents on here who can say so.

I'm not sure why you considering IVF: is your partner pressuring you?

I would stay on the waiting list if it might take 2 years bit in that time try and have some counselling and an honest discussion with your other half. Life with a child is totally different and a bit of a shock! We conceived on our second round of private ivf and I cannot imagine our life without our boy. The love is overwhelming x

I'd really be considering my next steps very carefully if I had a partner I couldn't discuss my feelings with. Maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick but I can't see anything to suggest you're talking about it.

IVF is not the best thing in the world you can do to your body. If you're not desperate for a child, why do it?

Sounds like you're putting a lot more thought into this decision than most parents OP. Either way, best wishes to you x

Waiting list is only eight weeks so its going to be fairly soon! I can speak to dh but im unsure re. What i want

I have been overwhelmed with wanting a child for years but I made a decision after losing an ovary that I wouldnt put myself through fertility treatment after watching a close family member struggle.

I am pregnant now and my little unborn baby means the world to me. I know I will love him to death and be a good mum. But I still think if I had never been lucky enough to fall pregnant, I wouldnt have gone through IVF.

Don't you have to have counselling before embarking on IVF? (maybe I've got that wrong). You don't sound like an ideal candidate, tbh.

Nothing wrong with not having children or just waiting to see if you become pregnant without assistance.

I've had 4 rounds of IVF (plus more frozen transfers) and it worked twice

I'm going against the grain here but it really isn't all that bad.
Yes, I had to get up early a few times to get into th clinic for a 7:30am scan before work, and the first few injections were awful because I was petrified of needles

But in the grand scheme of things, the hormonal fog of the IVF was nothing compared to early pregnancy.
The intrusion and lack of dignity, the blood tests, the other things everyone complains about - all not really as bad as pregnancy.

The disappointment of it not working is absolutely utterly shit but only you know how resilient you both are to be able to deal with it, and it varies so much

I wasn't sure I was ready when we started trying (I was 30) but thought it was about time.

Six months later I hadn't conceived and as each month after that passed I got more and more desperate to get pregnant.

We had fertility treatment (x3) and as a result had a DS and have now also had a DD conceived almost naturally.

So for me, thinking I was unable to have children focussed me mind and made me realise I really did want them. Maybe it's made you realise it's not what you want after all?

You could take some time. We started treatment when I was 33.5 and DS born just after my 35th birthday.

I really disagree with the viewpoint some people have given that if you're not sure about having children then don't.

Like you, I felt very ambiguous about having children (but knew we would be committed parents if we did). When it took a while, I said no to ivf: I think it was fear of making an absolute choice. Which doesn't really make much sense!

Luckily, luckily, luckily we conceived DD naturally. She's 4 now and she is the light of my life. I absolutely love being her mum, and it scares me how close I came to not having her. I'm perfectly aware that I would have had a very happy child free life (it wasn't eating me up, and I have many other great things in my life) but I've often thought that if I could get a message back to myself it would be that it's worth going to huge lengths for this!

Having children is very different from the inside than the outside: when you don't have a child you can see the disadvantages very easily (going through pregnancy and childbirth, lack of sleep, lack of flexibility, cost, the demands children make) but you can't see how wonderful it is to have this amazing little person in your life, who you adore with a strength you've never felt before, and who constantly amazes you.

For me, that outweighs all the disadvantages many times over. I know not everyone finds this, and that's what's scary. You don't know how you will feel. And certainly there are people here on mumsnet who admit that they regret having children.

It's a leap of faith. But I wanted you to know that feeling ambiguous about it doesn't mean that you're not right for this or you won't be happy

It's quite a risk though isn't it. Strawberry. Luckily it worked out well for you, but there are plenty of parents who secretly wish they had never had their children and are awful parents.

I think having children when you're not sure you really want them is criminally irresponsible, Strawberry . (Well not literally, but...)
It's not like ordering a takeaway when you're not sure you're really hungry, thinking "oh well, I don't have to eat it".
Stop encouraging people to take a leap of faith; this is one instance where there's no going back.

Sukey and FloggingMolly - OP said that she and DH would put the child first in their lives and she feels they would be good parents. I was pretty sure about this too.

Bad parenting doesn't stem from having sufficient mental flexibility and independent thought to imagine different possible lives, and actively choosing the best one for you.

Bad parenting mainly comes from not being able or willing to put your child first - once you have them!

And that's just as likely in someone who was desperate for children - perhaps they allow their own desires to override the child's character or preferred path, or else family life in some way doesn't live up to long-held hopes and dreams.

It's also just as likely to come from someone who hasn't really thought about it which is probably most people . Perhaps they find that the sacrifices (especially career) and demands are more than they are willing to give.

I'd suggest that someone who has really thought about it will know whether having a child is likely to demand more than they are willing to give. Rather they're trying to figure out whether this is the right thing to do with their one, precious life.

Objectively, having a child doesn't seem to make much sense. Yet so many people choose to do it that you have to figure out: is it
a) that they are all wrong
b) that what is right for me is fundamentally different to what is right for most other people (possible)
c) I'm lacking some information

I think in my case, I was lacking the information of what it feels like to have your own child. I'm sharing my viewpoint since I suspect OP may be the same. I'm sure she can make up her own mind about whether this is relevant/applies to her or not!

Oh, and I definitely stand by the assertion that having a child is a leap of faith. If you don't realise that, it just means you're making that leap with your eyes shut.

Also, thinking about my decision not to consider ivf: it was at a certain level about not wanting to override the Fates, since I wasn't sure I was right. Ie if it didn't happen naturally then maybe it wasn't meant to be and I shouldn't force it.

Which I hate myself for thinking because I don't believe in fate, and believe strongly that we should make our choices actively and consciously, and then take full responsibility for them.

I also hate how close my thought process was to those people who 'stop using contraception and see what happens' (ie leave it to fate). I find that attitude very strange, since to me if you stop using contraception then that's choosing to having a child! Somehow, ambiguity expressed that way is considered acceptable and kind of sweet though

If you've being on the emotional roller coaster of ttc unsuccessfully for two years, you will be at the end of your tether and a bit defeatist too. It's normal I think to then wonder if you really want kids, it's sort of protecting yourself if it doesn't work as this is the last thing you can do to have kids. It's a big thing, you take this next step and find out you won't be having kids. Maybe making the decision of ' not sure if I want kids' is just a way of protecting yourself. The issues of being left on your own etc, occur for all of us. I'd defo see if you can see an Ivf councillor to talk through your worries. They will be more common than you think I reckon. How does your hubby feel?

Really good point Patchouli

It sounds like if you have children, DH & yourself will pretty much be the sole carers. So going out as a couple, or going out at all maybe something that doesn't happen for 15 years, unless you know of people who could look after the child that you trust.

Being a parent is rewarding, when you get a newborn it's day & night possibly 24/7 if you get a baby that doesn't sleep. You have groups you can go to so you'll make friends with other parents. Pretty much your life will be devoted to parenting. You could go on spur of the moment breaks still, you'd have a little one with you, so what you did whilst on holiday might differ to what you do now.

You can still go to fancy restaurants, most make provisions for babies / small children. Personally we've not been away anywhere hot as we considered children on a flight and in a different environment, where you'd have to be more watchful of the children round pools, near the sea etc. So we tend to stick to places around the UK. So you have a base and travel from there.

You can still have friends over, with a bottle of wine / take out. It does put pressure on your relationship as you're often sleep deprived, only one of you can go out. Your time is mainly day excursions, or you could take DC to a pub, but if you like partying, one half may end up resenting the other half for going out and getting wasted, as it pretty much writes off the next day.

How does your husband feel, does he really want children? Is there a reason you're worried about him leaving you with DC to look after alone, like health issues?

I was desperate for DC, I had a few moments where I thought what have I done. But they were usually linked to sleepless nights and frustration over situations.

The best thing to do would be to talk to your DH, he might be having similar reservations, but afraid of saying anything in case it upset you. Just say what you have on here, or sum it up as you know having a baby will mean many lifestyle changes plus IVF can be and usually is a roller coaster journey. Does he like life as it is at the moment, can he imagine adding a baby into the mix?

One thing I would say is take precautions as it's usually times like this that Mother Nature might consider to bless you. So you could go to a clinic and get the pill or something. If they ask why just say your going away and you don't want to get caught because of Zika. That's a fair enough choice.

I'm sorry you're going through this alone, have you looked into any of the fertility websites and forums? They'll have people to talk to going through the same as you. Hopefully you can make some friends to talk to online.

I hope nothing I've said comes across as harsh. It's just things that you're already thinking about. You need to think of in more detail.