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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dd doesn't need to 'toughen up'?

42 replies

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 22:38

She's 10. She's popular, bright and kind. She's also really good at sport. She's in the school football team, they are a great little team and often win. This is relevant because the day after a match one of the boys on the team always picks on her. They are normally friends. Dd has become more and more emotional about this and this year has often been in floods of tears over it.

Her teacher is kind but a bit ineffectual and keeps saying she needs to stand up for herself and toughen up a bit. Dh also says this to her. The teacher says the boy is jealous of her (which confuses her I think) . Today the boy accused dd of breaking another boys water bottle, and then said she'd cheated at something to earn house points - dd was in the top three house point scorers so was given sweets. She was so upset that the boy had said this that she refused to take the sweets.

I know it all sounds petty and I used to try and stay fairly neutral, but this is happening more and more often and I'm getting a bit sick of dd being the one who is told to get a grip and the boy saying the stuff doesn't get told off at all (in dds earshot anyway)

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:45

The boy should be told to stop being a brat but I do think your daughter needs to develop some coping strategies or she's not going to be well served as she grows up. She's going to come across gobshites like that kid in all walks of life and if she's constantly getting stressed and upset it's going to be no good for her mental resilience.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:46

She doesn't need to get lairy, cultivating a stare and a roll of the eyes without a verbal response is very effective at letting the gobshite know they're talking bollocks and everyone knows it!

Original poster

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 22:48

I agree she needs to be more resilient. I just don't know how to teach her.

OP posts:

Astro55 · 10/02/2017 22:48

I'd agree - she can't control what the boys says - but she can control her reaction to it!

You need to teach her some come backs

Even 'that's not true!'

Because it upsets her - he gets a kick out of it - AND you won't be there to fight her battles in high school

So yes he's unkind - but she does need to stand up for herself

Gorgeousblonde · 10/02/2017 22:48

They need to take it seriously, it's bullying and it's not ok so no, she doesn't need to get a grip, he needs to bloody well be stopped. God if we tell 10 year olds this is ok then it's so sad

StarryIllusion · 10/02/2017 22:49

I think they are right and she needs to get a thicker skin. The boy should be told off too of course because he is being a little brat but she does need to toughen up. She is overreacting to silly little things which is probably why he does it, because he knows he can get disproportionate reaction to some small wind up.

Gorgeousblonde · 10/02/2017 22:49

No this is what happens - bugs behave badly, girls get told to get a grip, it's not ok IMO

Gorgeousblonde · 10/02/2017 22:50

Boys not bugs

KatnissMellark · 10/02/2017 22:51

I was like this at school, female, excellent at a male dominated sport and top of the class. Sounds great but it was really hard, I got a lot of stick and needed support and encouragement to deal with it as unfortunately many schools aren't great at stopping this kind of stuff. It might not feel fair but you'd serve your daughter well by teaching her some coping strategies as she does sound sensitive (not a criticism, but as a people pleaser/perfectionist, I was too).

Sweets101 · 10/02/2017 22:51

Sadly the only way this can be dealt with is by DD standing up for herself and telling him to fuck off (well, the child friendly version)
Going through the same with my DD, I really can not wait for the day she finally tells her antagonist to do one. I fear it will be a long time coming though.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:51

To be clear - I think the other kid needs picking up on it - but those examples seem fairly mild and things that most kids would shake off.

I suspect no one stops him because they know he's talking bollocks and don't expect your daughter to be upset. How wet is the teacher that they can't tell him to stop chatting rubbish?!

Original poster

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 22:52

I'm a bit sick of it. I think the reason dd is overreacting is because she's also totally sick of it and on edge all the time. Shes much less cheerful generally which is sad

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:53

(And I agree it shouldn't be brushed off because 'he's jealous' or 'he fancies you' or any other sexist shite).

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/02/2017 22:53

Do you coach her? Asking what happened and if she is happy with the outcome. If she is, great (because often children are told to do things when they don't actually care that much). What does she think could have happened differently? How does she think she could have handled it differently (not suggesting, just listening)?

Do you model assertiveness and resilience in your life? Do her other close adults?

KatnissMellark · 10/02/2017 22:54

In terms of teaching her resilience / coping skills, I think leading by example could help, be sympathetic but not too sympathetic, express how silly and immature you think the boy is. Help your daughter see that some people's opinions are very much worth taking on board, but others are not. If she can start making this distinction herself, this will help a great deal in years to come.

Original poster

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 22:55

I would love her to tell him to do one. She won't though. She is definitely a perfectionist and a people pleaser.

Actually she did tell him to get lost once and he burst into tears and ran tk tell the teacher. God the whole class is on the edge

OP posts:

F1GI · 10/02/2017 22:55

Two pronged approach needed.

A) it's bullying. This child needs reporting to the head with a list of incidents if the teacher is ineffective. Or you may have a teacher with designated responsibilities re bullying that you can report to. In any case the child needs speaking to.

B) yes your dd must find a way to deal with shitty behaviour and not let it impact her self esteem. Although the bully is in the wrong, unfortunately life is full of bullies and she will encounter them in future. The best way to help her with this is to discuss it with her IMO.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:56

You know what? She's ten. I was only just 11 when I started my periods and I remember being very emotional. Sobbing like my heart would break because my mum watched my rap lesson once . So she may be getting unreasonably emotional because of that.

Are you there OP? Have you witness this? Can you give a short sharp 'oi, stop talking rubbish!' type thing if it happens again?

Really the teacher needs to step up and do it but if they won't I don't know who will.

Fackorf · 10/02/2017 22:57

She's a successful girl, and she's successful in an area where a lot of boys/men think they should reign supreme. The boy who is bullying her should be disciplined, definitely, but tbh this is probably the first instance of something that will happen repeatedly over the coming decades.

I don't know what you should tell her.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:57

If she's done it once, let her know you totally support her!

Tell her to employ 'get lost' as often as she needs to.

Original poster

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 22:57

I am very assertive!! I tell her to stand up for herself and that she definitely doesn't deserve to be talked to like that. I've said he's a silly boy and not kind. Nothing seems to make her feel better.

OP posts:

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:57

Or 'do one' if she's feeling extra feisty

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 10/02/2017 22:58

That should have been a !

Original poster

Freddorika · 10/02/2017 22:59

This is what worries me.

OP posts:

Permanentlyexhausted · 10/02/2017 22:59

Perhaps arm her with one stock sentence to say every time he starts.

"Why would you say that? Is it because you're jealous of me?" or even "Yeah, whatever". Tell her to say the same thing each time and then ignore. He'll soon get bored.

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