To think dd doesn't need to 'toughen up'?

[Freddorika]

She's 10. She's popular, bright and kind. She's also really good at sport. She's in the school football team, they are a great little team and often win. This is relevant because the day after a match one of the boys on the team always picks on her. They are normally friends. Dd has become more and more emotional about this and this year has often been in floods of tears over it.

Her teacher is kind but a bit ineffectual and keeps saying she needs to stand up for herself and toughen up a bit. Dh also says this to her. The teacher says the boy is jealous of her (which confuses her I think) . Today the boy accused dd of breaking another boys water bottle, and then said she'd cheated at something to earn house points - dd was in the top three house point scorers so was given sweets. She was so upset that the boy had said this that she refused to take the sweets.

I know it all sounds petty and I used to try and stay fairly neutral, but this is happening more and more often and I'm getting a bit sick of dd being the one who is told to get a grip and the boy saying the stuff doesn't get told off at all (in dds earshot anyway)

There's a program called 'verbal judo' in North America. No idea what the UK equivalent is. There's also a local martial arts school that teaches bullying prevention. Both teaching adults/kids how to deal with conflicts and verbal bullying. Lots of tips like, 'use humour' and similar.

This can be taught.

I will try and talk to her about it before she goes back to school. She is very sensitive and empathetic generally - hates to see anyone sad or disappointed. She used to be such a toughie!

Is she better at football than him? It's completely wrong to think a boy should/will be better than a girl, and if she's a better player he may be getting competitively jealous and angry. If he's putting her down, trying to make other people not like her etc, especially as it is happening the day after matches, he's possibly trying to make her feel so unwelcome she leaves the team. Have you had a word with his parents? He really needs it explaining to him that sporting ability is nothing to do with gender, that there's no shame in a girl being the same ability or higher than you are, and he needs to, quite frankly, grow the fuck up.

Don't talk! Practice!

Practice until it becomes second nature and she doesn't have to think about it ...

You're rubbish 'Why would you say that?' Walk away ....

Get her a couple of books to read, to give her ideas on how to deal with it/some comebacks and to teach her that idiots saying stupid things reflect on the idiot saying it and not her.

Just to start your search here is one recommended to me for DD - she found it ver useful.

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship-Popularity/dp/1609582233/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1486768576&sr=8-1&keywords=american+girl+friendship&tag=mumsnetforum-21

It is a bit "American" but DD read and took on board better than if it was me telling her this stuff. I read it first and then role played/coached a few scenarios with her.

It seemed to do a lot for her self esteem - just knowing what to say back. The comments stopped pretty swiftly after that.

I did fine role play with my daughter when a friendship went pear shaped.
I'd day goady things, and shed have a stock of " neutral " responses like " so you say " or " well that's according to you ".
She needs to get the message that it's her upset response that he's after. And yes, he needs to be dealt with too, take it to the head of the teacher can't do it. Any sort of accusation or power game is bullying.

This is another book that may be of interest

www.amazon.co.uk/d/Books/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Jenny-Alexander/0340911840?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I would try to explain the boy's motivations to her. Make her understand why he acts this way and try to teach her to rise above it.

I've taught year 5 the last two years (Wow they're emotional! )and the one thing I was most pleased to achieve was changing the male behaviour. "Is she your friend? whisper do you care about her?! normal tone Do you want to make her cry? Then why are you being horrible? If you care about people, your behaviour should make them smile." Goodness I love my job :-)

Is the boy friends enough that you see him? No harm in just saying "do you hate her? Because the way you're talking to her is horrible and makes her really sad." It's in your face enough to make him step back and consider it more carefully. Good luck

Great approach Naomi! That sounds like my parenting style, and I often wish more parents would have more honest and mature conversations with their kids about how their words and actions make other people feel. I really think it works.

Freddorika "I'm a bit sick of it. I think the reason dd is overreacting is because she's also totally sick of it and on edge all the time. Shes much less cheerful generally which is sad"

This is very sad. Please help her work through how she feels.Why does she feel the need to please people?

Can you get her to articulate things to you and work together on what she can say to this boy. " that may be your opinion but it is not right." Not as harsh as piss off,which I may be temped to say, but still assertive.

"I would love her to tell him to do one. She won't though. She is definitely a perfectionist and a people pleaser." So you may need to help her articulate what she will say.

if she is a perfectionist can you work on showing her how things that are not perfect can be perfectly nice! A wonky pie that tastes good, an odd shaped flower that looks lovely and smells lovely too? Find things to show her it is OK not to be perfect.

There are lots of helpful tips on line. You can google around and find places to start.

blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/11/overcoming-people-pleasing-perfectionism/

"Strengthen your sense of self

People pleasing and perfectionism are like shields that hide and protect your true self. The more pleasing and perfecting you do, the more out of touch with yourself you become; you no longer know what you like, what you believe, what’s important to you, or even who you are because so much of your time and effort is spent trying to be what others want you to be or an idealized version of yourself.

“Finding yourself” can feel like a big endeavor (and it may be), but you don’t have to do it all at once. Bit by bit begin to explore and experiment, constantly checking back in with yourself to see how it feels. Self-discovery truly is a life-long process because we are all constantly changing.

Learn to give yourself approval

You can’t allow your self-worth to be completely dependent on other people’s approval. One of the biggest shifts that you can make is toward increasing your own positive self-talk and self-compassion. By beginning to give yourself more love and acceptance, you can become less dependent on other people for making you feel good and worthy."

Work on this together, mum and daughter, and focus on HER rather than this boy. The things she learns from you now will stand her in good stead for the future.

Help her to build herself up rather than tearing him down. Remind her that he too is insecure, (crying about a comment). Maybe she needs to ask him directly "Why are you mean to me when I do well?"

She can remind him "We are friends, we can both do well and support each other."

She can warn him, "If you keep acting like this when I do well, you jus might spoil our friendship."

"Tell her to say the same thing each time and then ignore. He'll soon get bored." Good advice, Permanentlyexhausted.

Freddorika "She is very sensitive and empathetic generally - hates to see anyone sad or disappointed. She used to be such a toughie!"

These are qualities, they are not bad things. The bad thing is that she is not recognizing herself as a person who can also be sad and disappointed and she is not protecting and looking after herself.

i always remind myself that old thing about when travelling by plane with a child if the oxygene masks come down, put your own mask on first, then help others. You cannot really help others unless you can protect and care or yourself. Help her to see she is worthy of care.

If the boys deserves nice treatment, so does she, you know it, I know it, she might even suspect it but she needs to claim it and own it. She matters.

I would go in and play the gender card, as it were. I teach y 4 and am frequently trying to pull my kids up on gender stuff, and actually this needs to be challenged explicitly, so the boy knows it is not okay and why.

Your dd does need to learn coping, but she also needs to witness trusted adults challenging children who are bring hurtful, especially when it relates to something like this.

Thank you so much this has been really helpful. She's brilliant at football, really good at it, just waiting to join a local ladies youth team. I didn't realise what a target this would make her among some of the boys.
Italiangreyhound thank you, I will take time to read through your lovely post and look at the books and links.

naomi I wish you were dds teacher. Her teacher is new this year and I really like him, but he certainly struggles with discipline. Some of the boys are really naughty and dd says he doesn't do much about it. They had a mock sats test last week and one of the boys drummed and banged the table throughout, when challenged by the teacher then he just refused to stop. He ended up scoring very highly as well!

Oh I don't know. Poor dd. I know she has to learn more resilience but I think that will come with age.

Is she an only child?

No she has older siblings.

Oh I don't know. Poor dd. I know she has to learn more resilience but I think that will come with age.

You are never too young to start standing up for yourself