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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re Dd (14) and PARTY?

63 replies

PorridgePot · 10/02/2017 17:41

Dd is 14 (nearly 15) and is in the middle of a complete rage about a party tomorrow night.

I was 14/15 once and know exactly what house parties at this age are like. Dd is very sensible and we do trust her to be sensible but we said a few months back that if she wanted to go to 'that kind of party' our rule was that we would take her and collect her ourselves. She could have a friend to sleep over but could not sleep elsewhere as dh and I want be able to have some sense of what these parties are actually like and to see the aftermath for ourselves. It's not that we don't trust Dd but want to have an understanding of where she is/ what's going on. Worst case scenario, we would bring her home if things looked dodgy/ rowdy when we dropped her off.

The taking/ picking up is not an issue in itself for Dd as we live rurally, as do her friends.

However, she is livid that we won't let her sleep elsewhere after a party. Two other friends are having a sleepover. She Says we don't trust her but I'm just not ready to abandon the reasons why dh and I decided on this stance in the first place.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
PorridgePot · 10/02/2017 18:42

Thanks so much everyone. I'm so reassured by the consensus on here. Dd just has such a twisted logic, due to her low self esteem where she sees this as evidence that we think badly of her and that she can't even get this right (i.e. Win our trust through behaving sensibly).
Interestingly, her friends don't want to stay here, apparently, as then they won't be able to get drunk! I'm not sure she does want to drink... yet.
My Dd has portrayed me as some uber strict parent who will implode if she touches a drop of alcohol. In fact, her 12 year old sister has had more alcohol thAn her! She had a couple of weak Buck's Fizz over Xmas but Dd 14 got really annoyed if even offered- reiterating that she doesn't drink. Rather crossly!
I think she is scared of alcohol somehow, but I know that won't last for ever And we still want to monitor the party situation.

OP posts:
Beeziekn33ze · 10/02/2017 18:42

Girls especially divide people into 'everybody' whose parents give them free rein and 'nobody' who does whatever you're trying to get them to do. Do you know some of her friends' parents well enough to find out what really goes on and how they really feel about their DDs' behaviour? You'll feel better if you know what they think and your DD will realise she's fooling nobody.
Leave her to calm down the perhaps find out what's really happening.

bellie710 · 10/02/2017 18:46

*When I was a similar age/maybe a bit older I told my mum I was staying at Clare's nearly every big night out/party. Clare told her mum she was staying at mine.

This mean neither Clare or I had a curfew as we were not expected home.

I would crawl in (probably a bit pissed) at whatever time I liked and just tell Mum and Dad that I hadn't been able to sleep at Clare's so came home.

Clare did the same.

Went on for years.*

Sorry posted too early basically this ^

TiredMumToTwo · 10/02/2017 18:50

I vividly remember going to a house party at 15 where my Mum insisted on picking me up at 11pm, I was livid... until the next day when my parents were contacted by the police as the party had got out of hand and criminal damage had been done to other properties in the street. It had all kicked off after midnight and I had a bullet proof alabi as my Mum explained she'd picked me up at 11pm "sober" (sober enough anyway) - the whole episode actually made my 15 old self think perhaps my Mum had done the right thing and had a point!

witsender · 10/02/2017 18:57

Yup, I remember those parties. Yanbu!

Amethyst81 · 10/02/2017 19:03

No stick to your guns, I have the same rules as you. I always tell my DD I don't care what other parents allow my rules are my rules. If you give in now then they will learn that you don't really mean what you say regarding boundaries, stay firm!

Original poster
PorridgePot · 10/02/2017 19:05

Thanks all. Dh is out and I think I wouldn't ending up yelling by now without your support! I've agreed to the ridiculous compromise of driving her to the sleepover which means more night driving but sticking to principle of collecting her/ seeing the party aftermath ( I don't object to sleepovers per se). It was my suggestion so I still feel in charge! She is now calm but my nerves are in tatters. Glass of wine anyone?!

OP posts:
PebbleInTheMoonlight · 10/02/2017 19:05

YANBU

I'd go to your daughter and tell her she has 10 minutes to calm down and come for a chat or there will be no party at all.

If she complies just reiterate these rules aren't about her, it's about the risk you're willing to face as a parent. If she fights you on perfectly reasonable limitations there's no way those limitations will be lifted.

Being treated as a mature person means acting like one.

If she doesn't comply then she's not mature enough to go to a party where there will definitely be alcohol and probably sex, legal highs, smoking and illegal drugs (you'd be surprised at the demographics of teens who do this stuff without pause).

I mastered behaving in a way that made my parents trust me as a teen. I was allowed to go to all sorts of parties that I really shouldn't have attended even though I was generally the sensible one and never led astray (although the wicked streak in me instigated a few things). If she can't do that (it starts by obeying rules you see as trivial but are clearly deal breakers for parents), then she certainly isn't ready not to be manipulated into something regrettable by her peers.

Your rules are fine, don't back down and best of luck.

Original poster
PorridgePot · 10/02/2017 19:08

Gah! 'Would've ended up yelling'

Thanks pebble.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 10/02/2017 19:14

Fwiw my 'best' friend used to tell her mum she was staying at my house when she was at her boyfriend's. Somehow it was my fault when she ended up getting pregnant Confused

BeachysSnowyWellieBoots · 10/02/2017 20:54

Ha @islacornx

Due to your tip on iPhone share my location, I'm currently tracking my uni dd1 on her Friday night out many miles away GrinGrin

Insomnibrat · 10/02/2017 22:34

If it isn't the drink which is so important at this party then mark my words, it's a boy.
Be very careful not to let her manipulate you into letting her stay.

CheckpointCharlie2 · 11/02/2017 07:16

Nope euphemia and jiggly she has told me what some of these kids have got up to in the past at a friends house when the parents aren't there so I just want to know there will be someone there.

I fully accept that I am being quite anal about it though.

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