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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re Dd (14) and PARTY?

63 replies

PorridgePot · 10/02/2017 17:41

Dd is 14 (nearly 15) and is in the middle of a complete rage about a party tomorrow night.

I was 14/15 once and know exactly what house parties at this age are like. Dd is very sensible and we do trust her to be sensible but we said a few months back that if she wanted to go to 'that kind of party' our rule was that we would take her and collect her ourselves. She could have a friend to sleep over but could not sleep elsewhere as dh and I want be able to have some sense of what these parties are actually like and to see the aftermath for ourselves. It's not that we don't trust Dd but want to have an understanding of where she is/ what's going on. Worst case scenario, we would bring her home if things looked dodgy/ rowdy when we dropped her off.

The taking/ picking up is not an issue in itself for Dd as we live rurally, as do her friends.

However, she is livid that we won't let her sleep elsewhere after a party. Two other friends are having a sleepover. She Says we don't trust her but I'm just not ready to abandon the reasons why dh and I decided on this stance in the first place.

Aibu?

OP posts:
TheProblemOfSusan · 10/02/2017 18:01

I think it's highly unlikely that all her friends are allowed to get drunk. Highly. Maybe the odd one with "I'm a cool mom" mums.

She's clearly not able to talk about it now so leave it till the morning? I was allowed to do all sorts of unseemly things at that age but if I'd ever said we were planning to get drunk it would have been curtains on the activity. Having a drink, perhaps, but not get drunk. Your ground rules fit a first event like this seem sound.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/02/2017 18:02

I don't know how the other sleepover girls are getting home (I bet they've concocted a story about staying at each other's house ) but could you pick up just DD and drop her to the sleepover house , so you won't see them drunk?

Wait til she's calmed down , hopefully she'll be so desperate to go she will accept your rules.

SalmonFajitas · 10/02/2017 18:03

Sorry read back more carefully "all my friends get drunk" and the explosive rage about it aren't very compelling reasons to relent! I agree - stick to your guns!

sohelpmegoad · 10/02/2017 18:03

Well not maybe this party, but sometime over the next couple of years you are going to need to relax your rules, so that she can learn to assess the risks herself.
So you could maybe discuss where you would like to end up regarding her going to parties and sleepovers, bearing in mind that she is also going to try a drink at some point, and you want her to be safe.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 10/02/2017 18:04

You're not unreasonable at all, you're a damn sight better parent than most!
She basically wants to get smashed drunk like her friends will, and by sleeping over one of their houses you won't know about it as she'll have sobered up by morning. She knows because you'll be picking her up to bring her home that she can't go wild and drink irresponsibly because you'd see the state she was in and not let her go to any more parties.
TBH i wouldn't let her go at all, 14 is way too young to be drinking unsupervised, at a family party where you can limit how much and what she is drinking fair enough, but who knows what alcohol will be at this party? Even if she were 16 i'd seriously consider saying no, the limit is 18 for a reason. 17 i'd probably allow, but until they'd left school, not a chance.

Happinessisthis · 10/02/2017 18:06

Yup I used to stay at friends houses so I could drink and smoke and not get caught....

LindyHemming · 10/02/2017 18:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoupGarou · 10/02/2017 18:11

I'd give her two options - she goes and comes back home to sleep or she doesn't go at all.

This ^. You are not being at all unreasonable.

littleflamingo · 10/02/2017 18:11

YANBU op. I seem to be a lovely caring mother. My neighbors have a 15 year old girl and they trust her so much that they go on holydays and leave her alone at home. I can feel the smell of weed inside my kids bedroom.
Now your DD might be very upset but in the future she'll be glad for the mother you are X

fj3568 · 10/02/2017 18:15

Sandwich do you actually have teenagers? Your view of boundaries for modern teenagers is simply unrealistic.

Op yanbu - dd's escalated unreasonably leaving no negotiating space I'd issue a clear warning that if she argues for more than another minute there will be no party at all and if she continues further she will be grounded for a week. Stay firm she has lost control and knows in her heart yanbu. She wants to engage in risky behaviour and its your job to limit this. You can't stop it because it's normal teenage behaviour but limiting it is the right thing to do. Good luck and virtual hug as the mother of an about to turn 18 year old - I've been there- it gets easier xx

bellie710 · 10/02/2017 18:17

When I was 15 I used to go to sleepovers after parties, so did all my friends we all stayed at the party...

ChopOrNot · 10/02/2017 18:18

When I was a similar age/maybe a bit older I told my mum I was staying at Clare's nearly every big night out/party. Clare told her mum she was staying at mine.

This mean neither Clare or I had a curfew as we were not expected home.

I would crawl in (probably a bit pissed) at whatever time I liked and just tell Mum and Dad that I hadn't been able to sleep at Clare's so came home.

Clare did the same.

Went on for years.

btw the worst I did was get a bit pissed and snog a lot but still, no curfew

whateverandever · 10/02/2017 18:18

You have offered a perfectly reasonable compromise. Remind her some parents would just give a flat 'no'. We've all been there ourselves and the times I was allowed to sleep over at a friend's (inevitably with less strict parents than my own) were the times I got up to most mischief! And I wasn't allowed until 16/17.

harderandharder2breathe · 10/02/2017 18:19

If I knew and trusted the friends parents I'd let her sleep there, with the proviso that the parents could call to have her picked up if they felt the need.

If I didn't know them (or didn't trust them) then no after party sleepover

CheckpointCharlie2 · 10/02/2017 18:19

My dd is 14 and I am letting her go to a friends house next week between 1-5pm as long as I get to meet the parents! I am pretty strict but I know what I was like!

Yanbu

thethoughtfox · 10/02/2017 18:22

16? Maybe. 14? No. You can't be held hostage to her MH problems and give in in case you cause her more stress; that can become a problem in itself.

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 18:23

At first I was going to say you are being absolutely sensible, and that it is fine for her to have a tantrum if she wants, those are the rules and she can take them or leave them.
Once she has told you 'all her friends get drunk' then I would not be letting her go.
14 is FAR too young for that (yes, I have 3 dc, aged 20, 18, and 15)
Taking alcohol to a party / first starting to drink doesn't start until 6th form in our world.
I would now not let her go to the party, tbh.

JigglyTuff · 10/02/2017 18:24

Checkpoint - you won't let you teen go to friend's house in the afternoon unless you've met the parents?

That's ridiculous.

milliemolliemou · 10/02/2017 18:24

OP YANBU I've been in the same situation with rural parties. First off I wouldn't like them during term-time because even if your DD is as good as gold, others could keep her up to 5am with films and chat and that's Sunday gone. Second, as PPs have said, I wouldn't like her to be around kids who get drunk aged 14 and would want to know how the party givers parents are handling it (indeed, if they're there). Thirdly, I'd need to know where she was having the sleep over and talk to the parents of said sleep over and how the DCs were getting there from the party and when.

But you could tell DD how concerned you are and say it's not her you don't trust but others.

Crumbs1 · 10/02/2017 18:24

I must be a dragon. At 14, they were required to provide contact details so I could check arrangements and make sure there were adults in attendance throughout. I collected until they were 16years.

BackforGood · 10/02/2017 18:25

fj3568 I agree with sandwich. See my post above - I have 3.

EweAreHere · 10/02/2017 18:25

All her friends get drunk?

Tell her she needs new friends and tell her she's not going.

LindyHemming · 10/02/2017 18:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LindyHemming · 10/02/2017 18:29

This reply has been deleted

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MarasmeAbsolu · 10/02/2017 18:30

I raged like she is raging right now, for the exact same reasons, many years ago [ok - not aged 14, but say, 15/16/17].

My parents never let me sleepover until.. ever. My mum would come pick me up at 11.30pm, sometimes midnight. I used to resent it, and gave them a lot of shit for it - but hey. It did not kill me. And I kind of did not get ultra-exposed to the underage drinking, pot smoking and sex that used to go on at these parties. Granted, I caught up pretty fast when I got to uni, but I don't think the feeling of waking up post-drunk, in a house you don't know, with random bodies all over the place, is exactly the glamorous feeling one should experience that young.

Retrospectively - I believe my mum did a good job, although she was known by all my friends as the "tough, not fun one". I guess it depends a lot on the crowd your daughter goes with. Mine was a lot of very nice middle class kids with enough disposable income to buy loads of booze and drugs.