Trying to give all info in order not to drip feed. Will also try to be as factual as possible. I don't love my MIL so am always careful that my reactions may not be fair.
DH is from a family of 4, all now have their own children. Our family is the youngest. PIL moved abroad for retirement to a sunny climate approx 15 years ago. They own their foreign property and two rental properties here with no mortgage. They each have a pension, MIL's is small, FIL's is quite good and have the income from the two rental properties. They are frugal and always have the poor mouth. MIL is always talking about how expensive it is to live where they do (EU southern country, not known to be expensive but I can't refute her claims.) If you visit them, which I no longer do, she doesn't want you to use the washing machine because water and electricity are so expensive there.
FIL is suffering now from early dementia and also has physical problems which I won't go into out of loyalty to DH who wouldn't like it discussed. He was an utter gentleman and I am very fond of him. But his illness means that he now needs care in a daily basis. Not all day, just needs someone to come in each day for a couple of hours to help him wash etc. MIL has been dropping hints that the 4 children should pay for this care.
I spoke to DH about this last night and said that I felt MIL was preparing them all before she suggests they pay for the help. DH's response was that he feels that we should pay. He said if it was my parents, I would pay and he would not object.
He's right that I would pay if my parents needed it but the situations are very different. My parents own their house but don't have any income apart from state pension and they have given us every bit of money they have ever saved (many tens of thousands over the years, they have been very generous) so I feel if they needed it, it would only be fair to give back to them.
PIL have to have more disposable income than us. The income from their rental properties is over €2k a month (which is taxed). We have a mortgage and a child in private school and another child with SEN who currently gets therapies from the HSE (poor relation of UK's NHS) but there's a limit to what she can get and we will in the near future have to get private help for her. We have good medical insurance but it's still expensive. We are not on the breadline but not terribly high earners- combined income of approx €70k annually. We don't have enough left each month to save money.
i don't think it would be reasonable of MIL to ask because I think they are able to afford it, either now out of their income or by selling one of their rental properties. The other 3 children are all in different circumstances and I don't know what their responses will be but I can hazard a guess based on previous conversations. 2 of them are likely to not want PIL to sell a property as house prices here are rising and they already have an eye on inheritance.
So am I being unfair? Should we pay? I know this is coming. This is how MIL operates. She drops little hints and then waits for her children to pick up on them and offer.
I've edited so much of this post as I'm writing it because I'm trying very hard to not put my emotions into it. Im going to let DH read this post whatever the responses because I know I have a tendency to be negative about his mother and this is a big issue and I really want to be fair to them and to us.