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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After nursery playdate?

37 replies

MrsR31 · 10/02/2017 11:14

My little girl is 4, nearly 5. Dropped off to nursery today and on the way out her little friend's mum stopped me and asked if DD could come for a play date after nursery one day, she would pick her up, give her some dinner and I would then collect her afterwards.

I know my dd would love to go, as would her friend to have her over. But I don't know the family too well, or what their home is like etc. Am I being a bit unreasonable to be worried as its only a couple of hours playing and I would be picking her up around 5pm. What would you/have you done in this situation? thanks!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2017 11:17

It is unusual for that to happen at this age, unless you know the parent well. When ds had after nursery playdates, the parents would accompany them. I would tell her Yes but I would prefer to accompany dd as she can get very anxious in new environments and she can be clingy. Or invite her over with mum.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2017 11:17

Your dd is nearly 5, isen't she at school?

StarryIllusion · 10/02/2017 11:21

Quite normal practice round here. I've had kids round whose parents I'd never met before and ds goes round his friends houses all the time. I've never actually even seen his best friends mum. Only ever met the dad.

Original poster
MrsR31 · 10/02/2017 11:28

No, we're in Scotland so she starts this august as she is 5 just after the February cut off date.

OP posts:
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 10/02/2017 11:29

Aeroflotgirl
I'm going to assume that OP is in Scotland where they have two years of nursery then straight into P1, no Reception class.

I'd only be okay with an unaccompanied play date if I knew the parents. Maybe say that you don't know if your DD wouldn't kick up a fuss but suggest meeting up at your house or a soft play place/park etc and see how the kids do instead. That way you'll get to know the parents.

Original poster
MrsR31 · 10/02/2017 11:30

Part of me feels that I am being over protective Starryillusion and that I shouldn't worry. Its a couple of hours and I obviously have the address and contact number. But I just cant quite shake the worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsR31 · 10/02/2017 11:35

The date suggested actually falls on my birthday, so I was thinking of suggesting a playdate at the local restaurant that has a soft play (offering of course to pay for the child, more under the pretence of it being my birthday treat for the kids, and her dc can come too) that way I can get to know them a bit better first. She seems nice enough and her daughter came to my daughters party last year, so we did get to talk a wee bit then. I don't have any immediate concerns about the family, its just that I don't know them particularly well.

OP posts:
MyKidsHaveTakenMySanity · 10/02/2017 11:38

^^ that. Perfect excuse to get to know the child and their parents.

GahBuggerit · 10/02/2017 11:45

I have never felt the need to vet other parents or see their home is up to standard before i decide if a playdate will be accepted. if my k7ds like their k7ds and vice versa thats my benchmark.

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 10/02/2017 11:51

Just say I'm not sure if she will go with you she can be a little shy so I will pick up with you and walk to yours and stay for a quick cuppa and see if she's happy to stay. Would that be ok?

Floggingmolly · 10/02/2017 11:53

I wouldn't really associate a nearly 5 year old with a "nursery" child (although she obviously is!); one of my kids started school two weeks after turning four.
She'll be fine.

user1477282676 · 10/02/2017 11:53

If you're not comfortable, then could you text and say "DD is excited to play with X....but a bit nervous...can I ask if you'd like to come to ours to have a coffee with me whilst the girls play?"

Or

"DD is a bit nervous about new places and wants me to come along..if that's not uitable, would you like to come to me instead?"

My DH was like you OP and I was more relaxed...it's different for everyone and I say, if you're not comfy that's fine.

Original poster
MrsR31 · 10/02/2017 11:53

I'm not 'vetting' the parents either, but as I said, I don't know them really and with regards to their home, they may have dogs (which my daughter is petrified of). I've spoken to them whilst at the nursery and at my daughters party, but apart from that I don't really know them hence why I'm feeling uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 10/02/2017 11:54

Oh right, ok sorry.

mogonfoxnight · 10/02/2017 11:58

Your restaurant idea sounds like a nice one.

Definitely go with you are comfortable with. I wouldn't have let dc go on their own at that age to a strange house and i can't remember anyone who would have!

GahBuggerit · 10/02/2017 11:59

"ooh that would be lovely, just to pre warn you if you have dogs dd is scared of them" or pick dd up yourself and drop off so you can check?

making comments like you dont know what their home is like does sound a bit vetty though.

Magzmarsh · 10/02/2017 11:59

In Scotland some children are almost 6 when they start school. The cut off day is 28 or 29 February and some parents feel this is too young and defer for a year.

Op my dc were going to friends houses at nursery from age 4, they were fine and if they didn't enjoy it I just made excuses if they were asked again.

Floggingmolly · 10/02/2017 12:01

I'd have loved the chance to defer for a year Sad

Allthewaves · 10/02/2017 12:05

My friends done this with her wee girl but she did a couple of parks play ates first wit the mums to get to know them.

Perhaps ask if u can come over for an hour first to see if dd settles ok

Original poster
MrsR31 · 10/02/2017 12:12

Gahbuggerit, I know what you're saying about the 'pre warning', but she literally wouldn't go in the house even if they were in another room. She is petrified and its taken us 3 years to get her to even be slightly ok with my mums small dog. So without sounding rude to the mum, who would probably kindly offer to put them in the kitchen or something, I'm not sure how I would get around this one.

OP posts:
GahBuggerit · 10/02/2017 12:28

it wouldnt be rude in the slightest, just be honest! if they are decent they will understand. id be a bit "eh, not even if i put her in another room?!" if it was an older k7d who could prob understand better that even the largest slobberiest hairiest "my what big teeth you have" beast cant gnaw through a closed door but not a 5 year old :)

OhJustPassTheCake · 10/02/2017 12:34

Nope, I wouldn't have let my 4 or 5 year old go anywhere that I hadn't been before, or with people I didn't really know. Play date with both of you at a mutually convenient cafe/soft play area would be my advice. My son only started going to his friends for tea on his own after knowing them for a while as a family, you're not being over-protective, they're our babies - it's what we do! xx

glitterazi · 10/02/2017 12:39

Yanbu at all, at the of 4 or 5 there's no way I'd have been comfortable having them spend time at an unfamiliar house with parents I didn't know either.

5moreminutes · 10/02/2017 12:42

MrsR3 is it just the dogs, or would you be a bit wobbly even knowing there was no dog?

If it is just dogs just say so - its not personal at all and nobody sane would take it that way. Just say "I know its silly but she's properly petrified of dogs, I guess its a full blown phobia really as she won't even go into my mum's house when her lovely little dog is shut into the kitchen! Its a bit awkward but if you have a dog maybe your DD could come to ours instead - do you have one? You'd be welcome to come along for a coffee if that suits you, or I can pick them both up as you would have done"

then play it by ear - as long as you make it clear you believe that any dog they have is bound to be an absolute delight and that it is your DD's issue it will be fine.

On the other hand if you're wobbly generally or your DD may be then say a version of the same without the dog bit - DD's a bit shy, is there any way I could come along and hang about for a few mins to get her settled the first time, or your DD could come to ours - you'd be welcome blah blah etc.

Two of mine would jump at the chance to go to a mate's and not even bother to wave me off at the door at that age, but my middle one was shy to the point of separation anxiety (some massive door step flip outs occurred when couldn't handle wanting to go in and play but not wanting to do so without me, and for a while it got worse rather than better and he would say he wanted to go and play and would be fine but then would refuse to get into the car when it came to it). When I explained people were always fine about me coming in or having all the playdates at ours (we did 90% at ours because staying was made more awkward because he is one of 3). This went on til he was 7, when he quite quickly got over it.

Just explain and make it clear its not her, it's you/ your DD, and it will be fine.

Wingdingingit · 11/02/2017 22:58

I wouldn't do it. Unless I knew them really well. I just don't get people who would even think this was an ok thing to offer. I'm the same with sleepovers too.
Don't do it.

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