To want to start trying for a baby?

[mrslaichaoui]

I'm nearly married for a year! My DH is lovely, kind and generous ! I love him so much but he won't start trying for a baby I'm 33 and he wants 3 or more! I want to have babies but AIBU to expect we start asap so I'm not a really old mum? TIA xxx

Maybe you need to actually write out a diagram showing how long having three babies would physically take if you factor in the recovery periods that you would prefer (seeing as it is your body), and how old you'd prefer to be having the last one (including how old you'd be once they all get to school age etc). Then show him what that says is the last possible date you can start TTC as a couple to reach that plan. Explain that you have to include substantial periods of time actually for TTC in the plan as well (there are stats explaining the average number of months it takes healthy couples to concieve at different maternal ages: it isn't usually "one month"!).

Do you think he REALLY wants 3 children? Or is he stringing you along??

Wellitwouldbenice are you REALLY trying to be helpful or just being a cow for no reason?

Seriously, what's your problem?

I just think there's more to this thread. The language used 'old mum' the lack of discussion and before marriage etc. I can't help thinking that op is just looking for a chorus of support when she simply isn't getting her own way about something when she assumed she would.

If you don't want to be pregnant in your 40s and you definitely both want 3 more kids then YANBU. You do need to get a shift on. 4 kids is a lot though these days ... Maybe have one and see how you get on .

If he wants kids but not yet, what are the things he wants to do first? Why doesn't he feel ready? Seriously OP, YANBU at all, but you need to have a proper heart to heart with your DH. How long were you together before you married?

be very careful with his visa. Friend got pregnant and her income dropped due to maternity leave and then childcare so it was below the threshold to prove she could support her husband - he wasn't allowed to work so he ended up back in his own country. Baby is coming 2 yrs and only now can she prove she's earning enough to support him. It's been unbearable for all of them

'A friend was telling me yesterday that her fella wants to hold off until they're married / better off financially (both working / own house). Thing is she's 40. He just doesn't get it...'

And she either really doesn't want children at all or she's very stupid to stay with him another day.

Expat - exactly... Is he stringing op along?

I think he is right to wait until he gets a visa. Where does he live currently?

I think blokes see celebrities etc having babies in their 40s and assume that it's easy.

Wellitwouldbenice We have been together for 8 years! We were very happy doing all the lovey stuff whilst I was studying and building my career!

Nothing underlying to this post at all just came on for advice, won't bother next time!

The visa issue is nearly sorted but fortunately I could take a drop in wages and still be over threshold and he has qualifications for a good career once he gets his visa!

And Expat is talking about a PP not me! I think if he was stringing me along he would have been well gone by now!!

I meant stringing you along in terms of actually wanting 3 children - or does he just say it to keep you happy? There are always lots of threads on here where a woman is devastated that there isn't going to be s wedding/baby/second baby - because she thought her husband had agreed to it and he kept promising it in the future and then she had finally realised that he didn't mean it and it was never going to happen I.e he had been stringing her along.

The drip feed is the rather important fact that husband can't live in the same country yet, and so sensibly wants to wait until he can.

No it's him who brought the subject of children up, he comes from a large family, one of eleven children so he wants kids that's not the issue.

It's just the visa thing, we're applying to have it varied to a spousal visa which means he will be able to work and travel freely and after that we're good to go! But he is returning home to Algeria and we're applying from there and could take up to a year so I know it's not ideal to start trying now I'm just getting a bit conscious of our ages and limitations as we get older (trouble conceiving etc).

I spoke to him last night and he understands how I'm feeling but, again said he wouldn't like to leave me on my own with a baby and live away from us for possibly 3 or more months. He also wants to come to scans and other appointments with me. We have decided that once we have applied in his home country and have timescales we will start trying while I'm visiting on holidays.

So keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly and we conceive relatively easily.🙏🏼

Sounds like a recipe for heartache tbh.

Can I ask why you think that?

It's all very well being older when you have kids, but surely you fuck up any chance of a good life after they have flown the nest? Me and DH are mid 40's and both kids are grown up and gone. We are young enough to still have an amazing exciting life and exotic holidays etc. I wouldn't want to be waiting until I was 60 to start this phase. I get that you don't always have the choice, perhaps you have to battle IVF or finding The One, but aside from that, why wait so long? So yes, I'd get cracking Op.

OP, I had a baby in my 40's and I'm perfectly aware that many people think I'm an 'older mum.' I don't think at all that you were being goady. It's usually very easy to identify when someone has simply made a clunky reference and when someone's trying to offend.

MN seems to go through stages. Presently, it seems safest to not refer to anyone at all, or yourself, in any context whatsoever.

I had my first child at 34. We've now been trying for a second child for three years and it's looking increasingly unlikely that any more will ever arrive. Some women are still fertile in their late 30s and early 40s, but many women are not. My GP said about half the women he sees aged 40 or above are infertile. Don't put it off. Even apart from infertility, the risk of Downs and miscarriage rocket in your thirties.

Just that getting the visa sorted could be a stressful and protracted process. Dealing with a pregnancy and motherhood where you'll be basically alone for most of it on top wont be easy, and could be easily averted by waiting for a year or two. Plus the fact that he isnt actually that keen to start with - I really think you would be better to give it a year.

Ayankin - 'older mum' fine, 'really old mum' not fine.

I don't understand why people are so upset about the older Mum comment!
Having had my first at 23 and now my fourth at 33 I can testify each pregnancy has been harder the older I've got. It's a fact of life-you don't have the energy you had in your 20's in your 30's and 40's, however great you feel. It's not a dig, just a fact!

Op I think people are being touchy about the old mum comment. I wouldn't have wanted to be an old mum for lots of reasons. Just because there are many happy with it, doesn't mean it's right for you. It's probably best to get your DH's visa sorted first though. Good luck.