To want to start trying for a baby?

[mrslaichaoui]

I'm nearly married for a year! My DH is lovely, kind and generous ! I love him so much but he won't start trying for a baby I'm 33 and he wants 3 or more! I want to have babies but AIBU to expect we start asap so I'm not a really old mum? TIA xxx

YANBU to want to start trying but YWBU to start trying if your husband isn't ready.
Surely you discussed this at some point during your relationship, engagement or within the first year of your marriage?

Sorry been at work all day! Obviously I didn't mean to offend anyone about the age thing but I was thinking about it in terms of how long it would take to conceive, recover etc.

He really wants children but we're having some issues in relation to his visa and he doesn't want to be living apart from me/ baby if he can't return to the U.K. straight away.

I completely understand and support his reasons for not starting now and I'm still faithfully taking my pill but I'm just longing for a baby really, i guess that's just what I'm feeling.

I already have a DD who is 10, DH hasn't got any but comes from a family of 11 so wants to have a fairly large family.

Thanks for your replies, I guess I'll just wait xxx

How long have you known him/ how did you meet?

Met 8 years ago on a night out, we got married last year after some ups and downs! Thing is, he's going to be an amazing dad he is so good with my DD. I sometimes think she likes him better than me!😂

I'm 37 and pregnant with my first. I don't 'feel' like an older mum at all, there's nothing that younger mums can do that I can't and my symptomless pregnancy is proof that it doesn't get harder as you get older. But obviously I'm aware that time isn't on my side if I want to have another. It took me 2 years nearly to get pregnant with this one. If the same happens if we were to try again then who knows if I'll be able to concieve.

However, the issue with his visa needs to be sorted out and I think he is being sensible to wait, beyond that he needs to know that he needs to get cracking ASAP seeing as he wants three.

A friend was telling me yesterday that her fella wants to hold off until they're married / better off financially (both working / own house). Thing is she's 40. He just doesn't get it...

I will re-phrase my previous comment as it was obviously too direct and therefore deleted...
Your comment about being an old mum is both offensive to some people and ridiculous.
It seems very strange to be having this disagreement with your DH at this point in your relationship I.e shortly after marriage. Did you wait until after the wedding to raise the matter of children and the complexity of him living/working in a different country? This seems a little naive and silly.
(There, no swear words this time and I'm hoping I'm not pushing the boundaries with the use of the words 'silly' and 'naive').

The OP said her DH wants 3 kids so given her age now (33) then chances are she could actually be a geriatric mum for children 2 and 3.

Although it always amazes me that people don't talk about this shit.

We did talk about it a lot, as I said in my previous post. My marriage is not a contract, we love each other and I didn't feel the need to have all the I's dotted and t's crossed before we married. It's just how I'm feeling currently and asked on here for other views as I quite fancied an objective opinion.

Also I did apologize for offending anyone as that was not my intention but some people just like being offended I suppose or just don't read posts before they reply...

I had my first at 35, my second at 38 and my third just two weeks shy of my 41st birthday. Third one was a natural conception 'surprise' after seven years and nine rounds of Ivf treatments to get the first two.
I can definitely say I've felt the whole pregnancy and newborn stage over 40 was significantly harder than at 35 so I totally get the older mum aspect of your post.
Also fertility rates do decline swiftly after 35 and pregnancy complications increase. We also had three losses, including my middle child's twin, as well as other crazy pregnancy complications. I wish I'd had the chance to start earlier but unfortunately hadnt met the right person! All worked out in the end but my goodness I wish I had the energy with my third I had with my first!

I started trying shortly before I turned 32 and ds wasn't born until I was 34 and a quarter, so no yanbu.

Look biologically are bodies are made to have babies younger. So technically by the time she had had 3 babies she would be an older mum. I am 25 and on baby number 3 and am exhausted. So can't imagine doing this 10 years later! Hubby is nearly 40. So we didn't have time to wait until I was in my 30s. And this isn't being gladly as that's our ages. Staying a fact and an opinion about something isn't goady. Hubby wants another and I don't think my body can take it any more so we are stopping. 3 in the space of 4 or 5 years is quick and f's you up. I am reasonably fit and healthy and feel like a zombie. So in my opinion yanbu to want to ttc now. But you will want dh with you so best to sort the visa

Not being goady*

Thanks I know we need to get that sorted first hopefully it won't take too long or we may have to settle for 2 😂😂

Sorry that wasnt trying to make you feel bad. I was just supporting your ideology

When you say you didn't feel the need to 'dot the is and have the to crissed' - do you mean you both gushed that you'd love to have s family? Or did you discuss it it in an adult, rational, informed way including your horror of being an 'old mum'? You're delightfully avoiding answering the question in any meaningful way.

YANBU. It's not always that easy to fall pregnant and you don't need anyone here to say the younger you are the better your chances. I have several years age gap between mine and fertility problems getting to number two. I would never have imagined that would happen. Try and talk you DH round and go for it.

Wellitwouldbenice your tone seems a bit bitter in all this (and i didn't even see your deleted post). It's probably fair to say most of us would rather avoid being the one at the school gates mistaken for granny if timing allows. I don't think the OP has been offensive and remember she already has a 10 year old, which must add a different perspective to age!

Well it would be nice you seem to be taking offence at the reference to old mum, but biologically speaking, that's what's likely here if the Op wants to have three, so there's no point getting your knickers in a twist about it. It's biology.

If we say the Op wants 15 months after a baby before she tries to conceive again, and for each child it takes 6 months to conceive, she'd be 39 and a quarter giving birth to number 3. If the Op is nearer to 34 than 33, then that puts her at 40. Any difficulties in conceiving push that back further. It's possible that she can have very short gaps or will conceive easily, but it's more likely that it'll take longer to conceive each child, and waiting may mean she has one or two rather than three. Which may or may not be a big deal to her.

But if being an 'old mum' is sooooo bad, why on earth wouldn't you discuss all the detail before getting married? Instead of making assumptions? ... And then complaining because her assumptions were wrong.

I'm not complaining at all if you had read the post!! It's just frustrating as it's clearly what we both want but obviously we have things we need to sort out before we dive in! It doesn't stop you wanting it though does it?

We did have discussions but did not set a timescale as in day/month/year to start TTC. We decided definitely to have 3 (which was a compromise) as he would have 10 if it were up to him!! And as long as we were blessed enough obviously!

Guess I should have stuck a date in the diary before I decided to say I do...

And I'm not saying being an older mum is bad! Just saying I'd prefer not to be having babies into my 40's! There's nothing wrong with people who, it's just not my preference and I am entitled to that!

Trying to be as non "goady" as possible, don't want to offend anyone else 🤐

mrs i understand you completley x

I don't think you are being unreasonable and totally understand why you would want to get moving with TTC, especially if you want 3 children. Some women can conceive into their forties and some cannot.

I fell pregnant easily with DS1 at age 26 and DS2 at age 29. My relationship with the boys' father ended a few years later and I met a lovely man when I was 34 who is now my husband.

At the age of 37 I found out I was expecting our first child. The pregnancy wasn't planned but we were excited. Unfortunately we found out at our 12 week scan that I had a MMC. The first thing I thought was 'was it down to my egg quality because I am getting older?' people reassured me that I wasn't too old and it was one of those things and as the timing wasn't right straight away to try for another we waited a couple of years.

At age 40 we ditched the contraception to see what happened and here I am 4 years later having never achieved another pregnancy. I have to accept that time had run out for me and we will never have a child together. My 39 year old sister on the other hand has just announced that one oops moment without a condom at the very end of her period has resulted in a pregnancy. To say I feel envious is an understatement, but my story goes to show that we can't take our fertility for granted as we get older.

My advise to you is to get cracking! Good luck.

I've had my second (and last) baby at 31 and wouldn't want to be any older than this with a new baby so I totally get what you are saying, we're all different. I think you need to have a conversation and make some firm plans where you consider things like age and how many children you may want to have. Life has a way of changing things but talking doesn't hurt.