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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to let my 9 year old dd in my bed?

68 replies

newstartamiready · 09/02/2017 23:32

So I've pretty much always been a single mother now I have a partner who is moving in this weekend! Recently we had a problem with dd getting in my bed, around xmas time she got very upset and naughty as she wasn't allowed in my bed as my partner was there. Due to her behavior I have now completely stopped her sleeping in my bed for her sake as well as mine and my partners.

My dd had a high temperature last night and came in my bed burning up (my partner wasn't there) I kept her in my bed and cuddled her to sleep (I felt she needed the comfort). Tonight I found out she had chicken pox told my partner and he asked if she will be sleeping in my bed tonight! I said I'm not sure but if she has a high temperature I would feel bad to send her off to her bed alone (I like to be with her when she is sick to keep an eye on her)

So AIBU to let her in my bed? Would you let a 9year old dc in your bed if unwell?

Obviously I don't want her bad behavior to start again (I couldn't believe how naughty she was being) so I would rather not have her in my bed. But I also don't want to send her off to her bed alone if she has a high temperature! What is the right thing to do?

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 10/02/2017 10:39

Don't move this man into your daughter's home. She clearly doesn't want it / need it at this stage. Having a partner is nothing like having him move into your home. Put her first and take everything much slower.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 10/02/2017 10:41

I always went in with my Mum when I was ill- until I went off to uni tbh and my Dad would go in the spare bed. Can you not do that?

purplecollar · 10/02/2017 10:48

I had huge problems getting one of mine to stay in her own bed. Probably until around this age actually. For me, I would have laid out an air bed next to her bed and slept there if I felt she needed watching/help in the night due to illness. Otherwise mine would have got mixed messages over it.

I think if it's a case of she can sleep with you sometimes but not when dp is there, it's kind of putting her against him in a competitive way. I think I would just go forward with you need to sleep in your own bed now. But I'll stay with you if you're ill.

But that's just my take.

Iggii · 10/02/2017 10:55

Trifle my dh is my dc's dad and a "full member" of the family, yet is regularly kicked out of bed due to one dc coming in. I think that is par for the course in many families, not a lack of respect or equality at all.

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 10:56

Iggii: Really? Why doesn't your DC just get in between you?

Natsku · 10/02/2017 10:59

Urgh that's horrible that people were suggesting your DH was a paedophile for that Ledkr Some people just jump to ridiculous conclusions. DD usually sleeps in our room with OH when I'm away for the night because she misses me when I'm away so needs that extra comfort of not being alone at night. To me that's just good parenting, step or otherwise.

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 11:05

Iggii: Plus, I think it's worth saying that you can expect that of a parent, but someone who has recently moved in and isn't actually their dad? Not so much for me. Once they are actually parenting it's different but that won't happen straight away.

twattymctwatterson · 10/02/2017 12:11

I'm appalled at some of these replies. Op my daughter is almost 4 and sleeps in with me every night. I've never minded and feel she does need that extra security. However, I am starting to worry about what will happen when I meet someone and some of the replies here make me feel guilty that wanting some personal happiness for myself and heaven forbid, a sex life will be viewed as bad for my DD! Lone parents are entitled to move on, they're entitled to find happiness with a new partner. We do it all ourselves and I don't think some people realise how difficult that is

lyricaldancer · 10/02/2017 12:22

Lone parents are entitled to move on, they're entitled to find happiness with a new partner. We do it all ourselves and I don't think some people realise how difficult that is

Nobody said they weren't, that's not the point. It's been badly handled by the OP as far as I can see from her posts. The child has been labelled as 'naughty' for trying to sleep in the bed she'd previously been allowed to sleep in.

Just badly done. The OP wanting her child to sleep in her own bed is fine, but ending co sleeping in the way described by the OP isn't usual or advised. Some of the advice given about making her own room more appealing etc is good, but this should really have been done sooner.

lyricaldancer · 10/02/2017 12:23

That's bonkers, ledkr!

twattymctwatterson · 10/02/2017 12:47

Lyrical she's been accused of prioritising her sex life over her daughter's wellbeing and moving a man in too fast just because she's posted here asking for the best way to make this work for everyone. Although I'd say naughty isn't the best word but my perception is that the DD was playing up whilst in the bed which caused op to put a stop to the bed sharing

JigglyTuff · 10/02/2017 13:13

Umm I am a lone parent so I know exactly what's it's like.

However much your DD likes your new partner, her life is going to change immeasurably now and a bit of sensitivity to her feelings wouldn't go amiss.

I think you need to talk to her and be very careful that she doesn't feel sidelined. BOOP's advice is very good

littledinaco · 10/02/2017 13:32

Lyrical - I agree it should have been done sooner so it's a completely separate thing. So DD is stopped going into the bed and once that is established then the DP moves in. Doing these two things at the same time could lead to DD feeling rejected.
It sounds as though DD is already struggling from the way OP describes her behaviour.

Twatty-I don't think anyone is suggesting that lone parents shouldn't move on and find happiness but it may have highlighted that if you were to move someone in with you then there are ways to make the transition as smooth as possible. So, it would probably be a bad idea to move someone in at the same time as putting your DD in her own room.

I don't think the problem is the op's DD being made to sleep in her own room, its that it's come at the same time as the partner moving in. That's two massive changes for the DD to have to deal with at once.

TimetohittheroadJack · 10/02/2017 13:55

I was a lone parent for a long time and now have a partner. If my son (7) wants to come in for a cuddle, he can. He usually lies at my side as he gets to hot in the middle. and we just all cuddle up. My partner doesn't have a problem with this at all - maybe if it's too squished you could get a bigger bed?

Ledkr · 10/02/2017 14:22

To be honest until you are in that position you have no idea what you will do and it depends very much on the circumstances. I was married for 20 years and had no idea he would leave me for a younger model. I had 4 dc boys all at school or college and dd a baby.
I dated and went out etc keeping my private life separate and was a good mother and worked hard to build myself up from devastation.
I met dh when dd was 5 and knew instantly we would be together forever as did he.
We took things fairly slowly with the kids but they have only benefitted from him being in our lives. He is a committed step father and has supported them all through life's ups and downs and even offered ds a kidney when he needed one.
It's easy to sit in judgement when you are happily married and say "is never bring a man into my kids lives" but in reality if it's dealt with well and the new partner is a good person, it shouldn't cause massive issues.

Iggii · 10/02/2017 15:40

Trifle - Because then neither of us get any sleep! I am envious of all your king and super-king size beds

carefreeeee · 10/02/2017 16:25

I think that she is a bit threatened by the change of your partner moving in and you might need to baby her a bit till she gets used to it, in ways other than the bed. It's a big change for her to get used to although hopefully it will be for the best in the long run. As others say there's a reason she is acting up and you should probably try and sort the behaviour by reasoning and reassuring with her rather than strict new rules.

I think as a rule you should stick to her not being allowed in your bed but if she is ill she needs to be confident that she comes first so you should let her in.

Ellisandra · 10/02/2017 16:36

I think it was unwise to kick her out the minute your bougri had started staying over.

And I speak as a divorced parent to a 7yo.

When my boyfriend (now fiancé) started sleeping over, nobody got kicked out of their regular bed. PJs on, he joined a cosleeping household with me in the middle in case of accidental wandering hands from her.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you should have done what my friend did - realise it was going to be an issue and start moving her child to their own room in advance so that she had been there 4 months before the boyfriend (now husband) slept over.

My sofa has seen a lot of action

In your shoes now, I would put her in her own bed, and camp on the floor next to her.

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