Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to let my 9 year old dd in my bed?

68 replies

newstartamiready · 09/02/2017 23:32

So I've pretty much always been a single mother now I have a partner who is moving in this weekend! Recently we had a problem with dd getting in my bed, around xmas time she got very upset and naughty as she wasn't allowed in my bed as my partner was there. Due to her behavior I have now completely stopped her sleeping in my bed for her sake as well as mine and my partners.

My dd had a high temperature last night and came in my bed burning up (my partner wasn't there) I kept her in my bed and cuddled her to sleep (I felt she needed the comfort). Tonight I found out she had chicken pox told my partner and he asked if she will be sleeping in my bed tonight! I said I'm not sure but if she has a high temperature I would feel bad to send her off to her bed alone (I like to be with her when she is sick to keep an eye on her)

So AIBU to let her in my bed? Would you let a 9year old dc in your bed if unwell?

Obviously I don't want her bad behavior to start again (I couldn't believe how naughty she was being) so I would rather not have her in my bed. But I also don't want to send her off to her bed alone if she has a high temperature! What is the right thing to do?

OP posts:

Keeptrudging · 10/02/2017 08:03

In similar circumstances at that age DD just snuggled in on my side of the bed (everyone in pyjamas). I don't see the problem. You would be the 'barrier' between them. DD used to come in for a snuggle every morning.

If she woke in the middle of the night the only difference after partner moved in was she knocked first (so DH could throw his pyjamas on!). She'd had me all to herself for years, she would have been upset if I'd suddenly locked her out. DH never complained, he understood. It's not like it was every night. She's a teenager now, but will still come in for a snuggle at times. Nothing to worry about.

Pacha11 · 10/02/2017 08:11

I'm in my 40s and I still love to go to my mum's bed for a nice snuggle when possible. It's a super cosy feeling to feel like a little child again and we shall always be that to our own parents. Don't hesitate about it. You'll be doing lots of good for your child.

KathArtic · 10/02/2017 08:17

When my DDs were younger and poorly they would come into my bed and DH would get into theirs, just for a night or two. Would your new DP do this?

Fighterofthenightman · 10/02/2017 08:21

So OP should be single until when? When DD leaves home?

Original poster

newstartamiready · 10/02/2017 08:25

Thanks squirmy - it's just crazy how they jump to attack me and act like I am neglecting my child to have wild sex nights when infact my partner isn't even here at the moment and I'm just working out what to do to avoid everyone being upset once dd is better and has to go back in her own bed especially my dd as she is the most important thing to me in the world.

OP posts:

garlicandsapphire · 10/02/2017 08:28

Once in a blue moon my teenage DCs come and get into my bed if they're ill. It's just a comfort thing from when they were little. I like it. They wouldn't if a boyfriend was here but they are older.

In your shoes I'd delay DP moving in or get him to sleep elsewhere. You don't want your DD to feel pushed out by your partner and every child needs comfort from their Mummy or Daddy now and again.

I'm afraid I don't really get the poster who won't get in a bed previously occupied by a child. It sounds a bit OCD and unkind towards the child to me. Presumably sharing a bed with a DP is similarly risky - adults are a bit dirtier than children surely ( and making love people do actually work up a bit of a sweat and share body fluids!). So to characterise a child as an object of dirt and fleas doesn't sound too nice to me!

Original poster

newstartamiready · 10/02/2017 08:28

Kath- my dp would do this, I think what I am more concerned about is me letting her get into a habit of it again which will cause her more upset to put it right again. I think I will get her a new bed and sleep with her if she is unwell and needs me as that means she won't start a habit of going in my bed again.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2017 08:48

I am happy for you that you have found a good man.

But you do need to acknowledge that this massive change in a 9YO's life, changing completely the dynamic of her home, her family, and the most important relationship in her life (with you) will be having an effect on her.

She's only 9. Not an adult. She doesn't have the words, or the power, to say "mum I'm finding this all a bit strange and scary and worrying," (because change, even good change is worrying) so these worries are coming out in a different way.

And even you must admit that the bed ban is a pretty stark way of signalling to her that things have changed in your household.

So, perhaps try and think about it like that. Rather than saying she's naughty.

Now, I have said that as kindly as I can. I'm not criticising you for having a partner. But I do think you've failed to think through how it might be affecting your dd

Natsku · 10/02/2017 08:49

I always let DD sleep in our room when she's ill but I got a little pull out bed under our bed so she doesn't have to be in our bed (because I don't get any sleep when I'm squashed between DD and OH). Children need that extra bit of comfort when they're ill, and also makes it easier for you to keep an eye on their symptoms if they have a fever for instance or might vomit in their sleep without waking. OH isn't her dad (been in her life for 4.5 years now though) but he feels the same way as I do. I just make it clear to her that its only when she's ill - when she's healthy she has to sleep in her own bed.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 10/02/2017 08:51

YY Pacha. I stay at my parents' over Christmas. One night they had gone to bed to watch Last Tango in Halifax. I snuggled in with them to watch it. I was 45 😊

TheFlyingFauxPas · 10/02/2017 08:52

YY Pacha. I stay at my parents' over Christmas. One night they had gone to bed to watch Last Tango in Halifax. I snuggled in with them to watch it. I was 45 😊

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 08:57

And even you must admit that the bed ban is a pretty stark way of signalling to her that things have changed in your household.

But things are changing. And she is 9, not 4. As long as she has had a chance to build a good relationship with the new DP and wants him to move in, she is old enough to understand that it is now his home too. Lots of children do find this difficult at first, of course.

ohtheholidays · 10/02/2017 08:59

Yes New I would let her into the bed bless her,I can remember having chicken pox when I was little and it was bloody horrible,when you feel that ill and fed up you want your Mum.

Our oldest DS was really ill when he was 16,worse flu ever bless him(and he has asthma)he was 6ft then but he came and slept inbetween me and my DH and my DH isn't his birth Father but is his Dad.
I spent half the night awake watching over him(was really worried about his chest)and my DH spent the other half of the night watching over him.

I don't think it matters what age your DC are if they're ill they want comfort,our DS slept better that night than any other because he knew he had his Mum and Dad with him.

We'd do the same for any of children if they needed us no matter how lanky they are or how much room they take up in the bed

I hope your poor DD feels better soon bless her.

littledinaco · 10/02/2017 09:25

It sounds like your DD has always had the security of knowing she can come into your bed when she needs to, which is lovely.

Having your partner move in is a MASSIVE thing for her, it can make children very anxious and unsure (which sounds like it could be the reason for her behaviour). Your DD will need to know that she comes first which I'm sure you will do. This may mean making sure she is not 'pushed out' the bed as it sounds like if your partner was not in the picture, there would be no issue with her coming in when she was poorly and your DD probably realises this.

I would sort it so that your partner sleeps on the couch whenever your DD needs to come into your bed. Your DD may ask to come in a lot at first to 'test' but if you make sure she knows it's not a problem, she will probably quickly stop. I know this is probably not what you or your partner want to do but if you give your DD the security of knowing she ALWAYS comes first then it shoukd minimise any behaviour issues.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/02/2017 09:35

If she is sick and wants you why not sleep in the floor with her ?

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 09:42

I wouldn't. Of course everything mentioned with regards to making her feel secure is true. BUT it would be a mistake to allow someone to move into your home before you are ready to give them the respect as a full member of the family that involves not being kicked out of their bed in the middle of the night. If you aren't ready to treat a new partner as an equal and with that respect, don't let them move in. It will cause resentment.

diymania · 10/02/2017 09:54

I think your solution of going into her bed is the best one. I think asking your partner to sleep somewhere else is setting the wrong precedent.

Sometimes all kids go through times when they need a bit of extra support be it because they're Ill or something else causing them to want to feel a bit more secure. I can understand having a new partner it might feel a bit strange to share a bed (for all of you....not in any untoward way, just it's a new situation and new dynamics at the moment) - so definitely I think you going into her bed is the best option. And if it's becoming more than just a once off every now and then and your sleep is suffering then gently keep pushing back with reassurance that you're there for her etc (which I'm sure you probably already do).

diymania · 10/02/2017 09:58

I should also caveat that I don't think that long term I don't think your dd should be excluded from your bed.......just that short term while your partner is finding his feet in your home and to still give the support your daughter needs it's probably better to go into her bedroom.

Pretty soon when you're all a bit more comfy and 'bedded in' with the situation it may end up being a lovely thing having your dd come in for a snuggle with you both (as I used to do with my step dad and mum.....until very late on...possibly adulthood!)

nigelforgotthepassword · 10/02/2017 10:00

What pp said about having her in with you but just on your side when she's ill...
I don't really get the fuss about unrelated people being in the same bed sometimes. Presumably you are pretty sure that DP isn't in any way dodgy op-and you will be there in between them anyway-so what's the big deal about you all being in bed when dd is sick? As long as dd isn't uncomfortable with it.At least that way she would see that whilst DP is there and things are different, they aren't different at her expense.
My 11 year old would sleep with me every night if she could. I'm a single parent too, and I'm trying to put a stop to it, not because I've someone else moving in, but because she is a wriggly sleeper and I don't sleep well with her there (though I do like a cutch with her of course). If she's sick she comes in to sleep with me and I'd consider that normal.

Ledkr · 10/02/2017 10:07

Dd was 5 when I met dh.
We had been in our own since she was 8months.
She's 15 now and still dh is happy to be occasionally evicted so she can have a sleep in with me.
Disclaimer-she has been a victim of extreme bullying this year and has been anxious and depressed. So once or twice has come up in tears as is so anxious she cannot sleep so dh happily debunked to the spare room so we can all sleep.
Think new partners need to be understanding of the needs of the child in the same way as a natural dad would.

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 10:11

Think new partners need to be understanding of the needs of the child in the same way as a natural dad would.

So do I, but I don't think this can be forced. Just saying to someone, "You're on the couch tonight" is quite disrespectful. If I moved in with a man and his child I wouldn't expect to be treated like that if I didn't volunteer. It would have me questioning the relationship. Of course, if the child was sick I probably would offer.

littledinaco · 10/02/2017 10:25

I don't think it's disrespectful at all, I see it as putting the child's needs above the partner's needs. But, everyone sees things and does things differently. I don't think there is necessarily one right answer, you just need to do what you feel is best your your family at any particular time.

Ledkr · 10/02/2017 10:27

Yes it's hard but as an adult I'd like to think I would be understanding.
Dh comes from a very close family with no divorce or anything in it and he's always been very good at empathising with my children.
I remember him shaking his head and saying how devastated he'd have been if his dad had behaved Hoe my ex did.
On another note, when I had dd2 (our child) dd1 was 9. That night they went home to sleep and he made her a little bed on the floor of our room as it had been an emotional day and he didn't want her to sleep alone (our room is in the attic so she'd have been downstairs) I remember posting on here about how sweet I thought it was and the backlash suggesting he must be a peadophile was shocking

Trifleorbust · 10/02/2017 10:34

I see it as putting the child's needs above the partner's needs.

But in the real world this can feel very disrespectful. Everyone has needs. If the partner has to get up at 5am to go to work, or has a bad back, or just slept very comfortably in his own bed until his partner suggested he moved in and shared hers, being relegated to the couch at 2am three nights on the trot because a 9 year old wants to get in her mum's bed isn't going to be as easy as you make it sound here.

If you aren't prepared to recognise that adults sometimes have legitimate needs as well, you should continue to be a lone parent in my opinion.

nigelforgotthepassword · 10/02/2017 10:36

That's awful ledkr.
And it was a sweet thing for him to do. I get that there are some horrible people in the world.But they aren't the majority of people...

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.