I know I'm not BU, but can someone confirm it for me?

[YawningHippo]

Am I being unreasonable to be fed up?

My DP is/was a heavy drinker ( I would say alcoholic, but the doctor didn't feel it was at that level and offered no help). He used to drink excessively ( 5+ cans, regularly more, and often cider/gin and tonic almost daily). Anyway, NYD he 'gave up', his choice prompted by our DS being due in May and to be fair didn't touch a drop for 4 weeks. Not long but still an achievement considering his difficulty with it.

He went to the doctor for help/advice and came away with sleeping pills/anti anxiety medication. Despite previously saying that he wanted to attend meetings he's used the fact the doctor wasn't concerned as justification that his problem wasn't 'that bad.' He believes he can manage it. So last week he comes to me with that conversation and we 'discuss' him being able to slowly introduce the occasional drink into his life. I said I didn't want him to, that he'd made such a good start and perhaps he should return to the doctor to get more support as he clearly needs it. I told him that he has a problem with alcohol and that he can't manage it, his words when he gave up. He's taken this as a point to prove me wrong so he is drinking again to show he can control it. Found 3 cans in the bin and a large bottle. Just feel so let down by him. His argument is that if it's only a couple of times a week then it's fine and normal. I disagree, as far as I understood if you had a problem with alcohol dependency giving up completely and getting ongoing help was the best way forward.

He can be very inconsiderate about things and quite closed off. Like letting me struggle in from the car with multiple bags while he settles on the sofa on his phone. And he is really possessive over money ( we have separate finances), he bought our DS's pushchair from his Very account so has been consistently going on about how he's spent all that money on his son whenever I try to discuss what else we get to plan to get. If he takes me out then a fuss is made about how he's 'treating' me. Normally he finds a way to get me to pay it, or even if I've paid the last couple of times, splitting it so he can save money because he never any apparently. He works and gets a good wage but he bets, so often drops into conversation that he's won £70 or similar, but I never see a penny.

Sounds such a catch doesn't he!?

I'm not stupid, it's just taken me a while to realise that this really isn't what I want. I want the him I get glimpses of sometimes when he can be bothered, but day to day he frustrates and disappoints me. I've other DC so I feel confident that I'll cope with another one on my own, much as I wish I didn't have to do it.

So I suppose I'm not being unreasonable, but I think I just needed to write it all down.

It can Penfold. My children's father is not an alcoholic but the fact that he was named on the birth cert left me powerless to protect them from his hatred of me

This is what the OP can't yet fathom. And people who can't visualise this awful scenario are the norm of course. and fortunate.

Not being named on the birth cert wouldn't prevent a good father from being a father. A good man will not walk away because he's not on the BC. Being a crappy absent father is not caused by the mother choosing not to name him on the BC> That comes from him.

Same as being named on a bc doesn't cause a father to be better.

loads of good fathers and crap fathers and it all comes from them. Their choice. If they don't want to be a shit father like their own father then there's nothing stopping them from being a better father than their own father.

Also, a father can be added to a birth cert later when all of the emotions and anger and hatred and damaged egos have died down, but a father's name cannot be removed from the BC when he is abusing his power.

Why on earth are you having a baby with this awful man? Run for the hills right now.

Either he didn't tell the GP the truth about his intake or he hasn't told you the truth about what was discussed.

He could have sought out AA meetings or other groups himself.

For you to keep in mind and really think about are the 3 Cs-

I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it

You need to think about what you want to do to protect yourself and children from the alcoholism, it can be a real emotional strain and stress, as well as economic mess living with an alcoholic.

As a child of an alcoholic I can say your children may be blissfully unaware for now but they will notice.( are you really sure they're not being affected? Are there times they miss out on treats, days out... you've already said you dont see any of his winnings. Imagine the £70 had been spent on the kids instead )
They'll notice the tension, they'll notice the strain, they will become wary of having friends round due to unpredictable behaviour

I come from a family of alcoholics - my grandfather, my uncle and my mother all died from alcohol related issues. My mom stopped drinking for 3 years, had ONE sip of bubbly at my sister's wedding and never stopped drinking again. She ended up drowning in the bath 4 years ago.

There is absolutely nothing on this earth you can do to help him if he doesn't want to stop. And he doesn't want to. From the child of an alcoholic parent, the only advice I can give you is that you do not want your kids to grow up around him. But you sound like you already know that. Perhaps leaving him will be the wakeup call he needs, perhaps not, but for your own sanity and the safety of your kids - get out please. He does sound like quite a catch otherwise though .

YANBU.

Good for you for recognising it at this stage - it's really not easy.

He can refer himself to local alcohol services, he doesn't need his GP to refer him. It sounds like he's using his GPs lines that he's 'not that bad' as a excuse not to address it properly.

YANBU. Did you go to the doctors with him? I wonder if he actually told the dr the truth. My DH at one stage was drinking 10-12 pints every day, sometimes more and the doctor told him it was ok, but he should consider cutting down, turns out that's because DH actually told the doctor he liked a drink or two after work, which obviously would be far less of a problem. DH can now have a drink and it actually only be A drink, but it has taken nearly 10 years to get to that point, with a lot of setbacks along the way. The biggest issue was getting him to see that it's a problem, because until he admitted that to himself he wouldn't accept any help.

The bigger issue for me to be honest would be his attitude towards buying stuff for his baby, he bought your son a pushchair, it's not exactly a luxury item and he shouldn't be banging on about how much he spent!

He is the truthful type, as in he's never lied to anyone once in the 7 years I've known him, even when the truth didn't paint him in a good light and even about this, he told the midwife the truth when she asked him. I believe he told the GP the truth about the drinking. But I agree he doesn't want the help. So going was really pointless.

He's very much a 'take me as i'am' type so would always tell the truth to test people's reactions. He's always waiting for everyone to run so he can 'prove' that everyone leaves him which is what he he was brought up to believe.

YANBU. Ditch him. This is no life for you or your children.

Have no idea how to have this conversation.

I am unhappy about our relationship and want us to split up.

I am unhappy in our relationship. I don't think you are happy with this relationship; I clearly can't give you what you want or need. I think it's time we end things before we start resenting each other.

It's so easy to feel like i'am being unreasonable even though I'm not. I hate the drinking and the refusal to deal with it seriously, but he's always been like this, so why now am I fed up? I hate that he only ever buys me a present when he has to and that he never spends a lot ( not that money is everything but just once I'd love to feel spoilt). He always wants and expects expensive things from me. My first anniversary present from him cost £7. He wanted clothes and headphones which cost me £80. It wasn't the value that hurt most, it was the fact that he picked something generic from amazon that was nothing like anything I like. Same at Xmas, chocolates and a couple of bath bombs for me. He wanted a pool table. I hate the imbalance, the sheer grabbiness of him. I hate that I feel I have to fall over myself to appreciate the pushchair ( which I don't even like!) because he feels like he did such a great job getting it. I just me and my unborn Ds to feel cherished and we're not. We have to pay a price for that.

You don't need a reason, apart from 'it's not working for me any more'

You don't need to justify yourself to him or anyone else

I hate the imbalance, the sheer grabbiness of him. I hate that I feel I have to fall over myself to appreciate the pushchair ( which I don't even like!) because he feels like he did such a great job getting it. I just me and my unborn Ds to feel cherished and we're not. We have to pay a price for that.
These feelings won't go away this isn't working, you will get resentful.
You and the baby deserve to be cherished and he's doesn't do that. It's like he's seeing how mean spirited and selfish he can be to see what you will take before leaving. A self for-filling prophecy for him. But the way he is, it is what he wants.

The thing is that behaviour and attitude like this kill your feelings for a person bit by bit, over time. At first you think it's a blip or that if you get through to him he'll be reasonable, because you love him. But after a while, especially when you've had promises that they'll try to fix things and then the shit keeps happening, you get to the end of your rope. That's why you are fed up now. And anyway you don't have to justify yourself - if you're not happy and want to end it, you can.