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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I'm not BU, but can someone confirm it for me?

67 replies

YawningHippo · 08/02/2017 07:26

Am I being unreasonable to be fed up?

My DP is/was a heavy drinker ( I would say alcoholic, but the doctor didn't feel it was at that level and offered no help). He used to drink excessively ( 5+ cans, regularly more, and often cider/gin and tonic almost daily). Anyway, NYD he 'gave up', his choice prompted by our DS being due in May and to be fair didn't touch a drop for 4 weeks. Not long but still an achievement considering his difficulty with it.

He went to the doctor for help/advice and came away with sleeping pills/anti anxiety medication. Despite previously saying that he wanted to attend meetings he's used the fact the doctor wasn't concerned as justification that his problem wasn't 'that bad.' He believes he can manage it. So last week he comes to me with that conversation and we 'discuss' him being able to slowly introduce the occasional drink into his life. I said I didn't want him to, that he'd made such a good start and perhaps he should return to the doctor to get more support as he clearly needs it. I told him that he has a problem with alcohol and that he can't manage it, his words when he gave up. He's taken this as a point to prove me wrong so he is drinking again to show he can control it. Found 3 cans in the bin and a large bottle. Just feel so let down by him. His argument is that if it's only a couple of times a week then it's fine and normal. I disagree, as far as I understood if you had a problem with alcohol dependency giving up completely and getting ongoing help was the best way forward.

He can be very inconsiderate about things and quite closed off. Like letting me struggle in from the car with multiple bags while he settles on the sofa on his phone. And he is really possessive over money ( we have separate finances), he bought our DS's pushchair from his Very account so has been consistently going on about how he's spent all that money on his son whenever I try to discuss what else we get to plan to get. If he takes me out then a fuss is made about how he's 'treating' me. Normally he finds a way to get me to pay it, or even if I've paid the last couple of times, splitting it so he can save money because he never any apparently. He works and gets a good wage but he bets, so often drops into conversation that he's won £70 or similar, but I never see a penny.

Sounds such a catch doesn't he!?

I'm not stupid, it's just taken me a while to realise that this really isn't what I want. I want the him I get glimpses of sometimes when he can be bothered, but day to day he frustrates and disappoints me. I've other DC so I feel confident that I'll cope with another one on my own, much as I wish I didn't have to do it.

So I suppose I'm not being unreasonable, but I think I just needed to write it all down.

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 08/02/2017 08:18

This will be the rest of your life, do you want your child growing up helping monitor his fathers alcohol intake, and worrying that he'll be driven around by a drunk driver?
It doesn't get better, my father and step father where like this. I was ashamed to be around them drunk.

HappyFlappy · 08/02/2017 08:19

I can't believe the attitude of your GP!

Whatever quantity he drinks - if it is worrying him and he feels he can't manage then the GP should be prepared to offer help. Did he/she not even suggest AA or any organisation like that? (Though there used to be an old "joke" that an alcoholic was someone who drank more than his doctor!).

Alcoholics can't manage "controlled" drinking - both my parents were alcohol dependent and I've seen it. On the wagon for a fortnight - "Yes! I can do this. Just have the one. No problem - I know how much I'm having and can enjoy it socially." Then suddenly(and in a short time) they are back to where one drink is too many and a dozen drinks aren't enough.

It's a horrible, horrible addiction . Please get out of this situation as soon as you can. You and your children deserve better. Otherwise you will have many years of pain and worry ahead of you (and the children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholics themselves, in part due to the heavy drinking they witness daily). He may even become violent and abusive (he is already financially and emotionally abusive).

I know it's very hard for you - you have left one unhappy relationship and must feel so distraught that this one is going bad, too, but until he proves to you that he is prepared to put you and the children first, and stop drinking altogether, then you will be best to draw a line.

He is already tight with money - what happens if he loses his job? He sin the grip of two additions it seems - alcohol and gambling. You and your children could end up losing your home.

Holding you and all your family in my prayers. You are in an awful situation.

toomuchtooold · 08/02/2017 08:20

I wonder exactly what the GP did say.

TeaholicsAnonymous · 08/02/2017 08:21

As you're pregnant can you tell him you're going to your parents for a while because you need support.

He sounds like a tightwad who'd make YOU pay for the counselling.

ChuckSnowballs · 08/02/2017 08:21

He knows exactly what's at stake

Even without giving up drinking for a whole month - he lets you struggle whilst he is cosy on the sofa. He is setting up a whole my money versus your money dichotomy before you have even given birth. There is a thread on here in the secret place from a woman who is trying to extricate herself from the same sort of man, whose partner would put the barest minimum on a card so that she could feed their kids, whilst he is living it up abroad. I'm sure she would tell you at this stage to get the hell outta dodge.

RebootYourEngine · 08/02/2017 08:21

Pack his bags and kick him out. You can live your life without him.

Id rather my child had no dad than an alcoholic one. Your story rings bells with me because my ds' uncle is an alcoholic and a gambler. He stopped drinking when he hit rock bottom. Its been 20 yrs and he is still sober. Still goes to meetings regularly. I personally dont think any addict can only have the occassional one whether its drink, drugs, gamble. It has to be none.

Miserylovescompany2 · 08/02/2017 08:27

At the end of the day if he thought he had a problem then he would of persued the likes of AA or Gamblers anonymous off his own back. He hasn't, he's minimised his issues and let you put up his slack...

By the sound of things you are already being a single parent. If the thought of a newborn hasn't spurred him to make changes, nothing will.

Do what is right for YOU and your children. Persue the life you all deserve. Don't settle for lame excuses.

There is any ammount of help out there. He has to admit there is a problem first. Otherwise it's hopeless.

Original poster
YawningHippo · 08/02/2017 08:27

Penfold As a child who had no father registered on my birth certificate and felt like she had only half of her story, I found your suggestion disgusting. I'd never put my child through me denying his father.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/02/2017 08:28

The GP could have said anything. I'd have been very surprised if he hadn't signposted him to help.

I would be inclined to find out where your local community alcohol service is and make it clear that if he values your relationship he will engage with them. He may or may not be deemed suitable for clinical intervention but he will be able to access groups and specialist motivational interviewing.

Sorry, I know you said you didn't want advice but I work on the field and hope it might help. He can self refer - he doesn't need the GP to do it.

ImperialBlether · 08/02/2017 08:30

I think you need to look at what he told the doctor as well as what the doctor told him!

And if I were a gambling alcoholic, I wouldn't want to share my bank account, either - I wouldn't want to admit how much I was spending.

VioletRoar · 08/02/2017 08:34

Take care of yourself and baby now. He will have to get better for himself. You can't keep suffering for him, it's not fair. Flowers

Wallywobbles · 08/02/2017 08:36

Penfolds suggestion might not be to your taste but you shouldn't dismiss it out of hand.

My ex is an alcoholic if the type you describe. My biggest regret is putting him on the birth certificates.

I've been dragged back to court 6 times. The kids aged 8&9 decided they couldn't take the abuse any more and choose not to see him any more.

But parental responsibility still gives him too much power in all our lives. Not able to move because the kids can't move school. Not able to live with DH for years etc

Wolpertinger · 08/02/2017 08:38

Were you with him when the doctor told him his drinking wasn't that bad or are you just getting your partner's edited version?

Was your partner truly honest about how much he drinks with the GP or did he just say he liked a couple of cans every night?

I strongly suspect he's intentionally rewritten his memory of the GP's comments to suit his own agenda.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar · 08/02/2017 08:44

Oh OP this is exhausting for you, even without being pregnant as well. He's showing you that when it comes down to it, his need to be childish, lazy and addicted basically come first and he can't be arsed.

I've just put so much of myself on the back burner for two years to try and sort his issues and I'm just so fed up of it all. I've completely lost who I was

I relate to this so much - except with my ex it wasn't alcoholism, but a general range of lazy, manchild, passive-aggressive and dishonest behaviour. The exact same thing happened to me with the bags. I remember being so outraged that he didn't just automatically want to take half the bags (or all of them when I was pg) but it just wouldn't occur to him. The exhaustion of having to explain and nag and demand reasonable behaviour... urgh.

I've left now and all I can say is don't leave it as long as I did - it took me many years to finally work out that "nice" him wasn't the real him.

Original poster
YawningHippo · 08/02/2017 08:47

I just feel so tired by it all at the minute. I just need some time to think about me for a change. Thankfully my kids are ok, they are blissfully unaware.

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/02/2017 08:48

Agree with Wally. You need to explore your options before you dismiss that suggestion. Your baby won't have half a story because you don't need to withold information from them. But you do need to protect them and consider the stress and upset that their mother being dragged into court every two minutes would cause a child. Not writing his name on the birth certificate does not mean you are denying your child their father. It just means you retain a bit more control.

TeaholicsAnonymous · 08/02/2017 08:52

Yawninghippo, well you may be disgusted but you cant control the situatuon now.

Soon you will have his child and you still wont be able to control the situation and he'll have rights.

I was genuinely afraid for years that my x would drown or murder the children not because he hated them but because he hated me more than he loved them. He was fuelled by anger and hate.

I was powereless at that point
i had to get my mum or dad to accompany him. It was a nightmare.

You are disgusted by the situation by you have no idea what the fear is like. Yet.

Chinnygirl · 08/02/2017 08:54

I have a few alcoholics on my fathers side of the family. They either go teetotal or keep on being drunks. It really is an addiction and imo there is no social drinking possible for them. It is either too much or none at all. The teetotal one hasn't drunk in twenty years and still occasionally visits AA meetings when he finds it difficult.

I'm sorry OP, you must be in a difficult situation right now. Please put yourself and the kids first and take good care of yourself. Nobody else will.

ohtheholidays · 08/02/2017 08:58

YANBU he is though,honestly OP you know that he's not good enough for you or your DC and you know you'll cope fine.

I'd start making plans to leave the relationship now,that way you've got a few weeks(fingers crossed)to get you and your DC used to him not being there.

I know some people will come on here and say it's alright for you to say that Holidays,but I did it myself.I became a single parent when I was pregnant with my 4th DC and my 3rd DC is disabled and honestly being on my own and not having to carry the extra weight of a man child who also had problems with addiction was so much easier and so much happier for all of my 4DC and myself.

I've never regretted that decision and my DC(2 of them now 20 and 18) have all told me it was the best decision I ever made.

Buck3t · 08/02/2017 09:08

He sounds like my dad. My dad gave up for 7 years and started drinking again April 2015. He has since had a stroke, and needs a triple bypass (based on his dietary habits also).

He has been heavily drinking for at least 25 years. minus the 7 year absence. He won't open a bottle, but once it's open he has to finish it. He doesn't see it as a problem. He doesn't care that it is a problem for the rest of the family. It's so bad that if my husband has two glasses of wine in a week I object (I'm so paranoid, and am passing it on to my children, I don't know how to stop though)

So what I say next is based on my own experience, and may not be in any way what is happening with your DP. I suspect when he went to the doctor he intimated (or the dr assumed, and DP never corrected), that it was a recent thing (what my dad has done). Hence sleeping meds. Unfortunately, he needs to own his problem, you cannot not. And unlike my mother, I couldn't raise my children in that kind of environment. Because their more important.

I hope that helps somewhat.

MrsBobDylan · 08/02/2017 09:09

Yup, kick him out. You are ready to let him go off and drink and gamble to his heart's content.

I would also give serious thought to leaving him off the birth certificate - imagine your DC being cared for by him after he's had a few and nods off on the sofa...

RedAndYellowStripe · 08/02/2017 09:12

YANBU?
The fact he is refusing to acknowledge he has an issue IS a sign he has massive issues.
I doubt that the GP said it was ok if he actually told him how much he really drinks.
But I wouldnt surprised if he is using alcohol as a way to 'control' his stress levels and his anxiety.
Another thing to think about is the issue of mixing alcohol with anxiety medication.....

Penfold007 · 08/02/2017 09:13

Yawninghippo I meant no offence and I'm sorry you felt disgusted by my comment. I am not suggesting you deny your child their father. However, not giving an alcoholic parental responsibility can be the right thing to do. The father still has the option of being added by court order if they can be bothered, many can't make the effort.
Your mother denying you your father is very sad. Good luck in whatever you choose to do with this difficult situation.

Miserylovescompany2 · 08/02/2017 09:18

The birth certificate with two parents on gives joint parental responsibility from then on.

It is not how it was when you were born or your birth registered. It does not say father unknown either.

If you think your children remain unaffected by this mans alcoholism/gambling then two people are minimising, not just one.

WineAndTiramasu · 08/02/2017 09:18

I highly doubt they his GP told him he was fine, with the level of drinking and the issues it is causing, he'd certainly be signposted towards the local alcohol services.

One option is to go to the GP with him and make sure he's telling the truth... But then again with the other issues you've mentioned, it doesn't seem like giving up alcohol will fix everything.