When people compare labours?

[Simonely11]

How do you feel when people comment on how your labor was? For example mine was very quick first time round, 4 hours in total. I've had a few people say to me that I had a 'breeze' of a birth and I'm so lucky to not have gonethrough hell like them, (20 hour labors etc). If I remember correctly it was hell! It was excruciating and I couldn't have any pain relief. My sisters friend also said recently that I cheated birth and didn't experience what it was really like because I'm a 'cheater' I was biting my lip thinking yeah ok then! Definitely not an easy process, although I know it beats a 2-3 day labor hands down.

Sorry I went mega off topic.

I hear short births are the pits too, several friends (who have had an average length birth and hen a short one) can attest to the physical and mental shock that your body goes through.

I had a long birth, also the pits.

I do know someone who orgasmed during her water birth, and had a jolly old time.

I think all there comments day a lot about them, and not a lot about you. Just ignore them, or lie, or walk off, of say you can't talk about labour and leave them to wonder why.

I hate it, especially the smug 'oh I had a water birth and pushed baby out in one push and had no pain relief because it barely hurt, aren't I just a womanly goddess' type conversations.
Their shit still stinks and I bet it turned their eco friendly, Amazonian spring water filled home birthing pool a nice shade of brown when they shat in the water when pushing too

I usually just button it when people compare labour tales.

Mine was unusual. 28 weeks. I was in intensive care following an emergency laparotomy. I gave birth vaginally and split my internal stitches up to my sternum.

The plus side was that I was out of it on morphine, so barely remembered it.

I had more surgery for the incisional hernia a year later.

I felt cheated and as though I didn't have a birth story to join in with. I didn't even meet the baby for a week. He was in neonatal ITU and I was back in HDU. I fell totally headlong for him when he was about 2 months old and almost ready to come home, so it came good in the end. He is 11 now.

My DD, though, was pretty fast. And it felt like the first time to me because I didn't really go through any of it 'normally' the first time.

I had the shock-shakes afterwards, though. It was 2 hours from my waters breaking to the baby arriving. I loved it. I know that must sound crazy! I actually felt it all the second time round - and got to hold the baby afterwards.

I've only had one labour. It ramped up over a couple of days on and off. I got to a point where I threw up and couldn't cope with the pain. So went in. I was really worried because I thought "if I can't cope with this now, how am I going to get through it". When we got there I was 4cm and she flew out in about 3 hours.

Like pp said there was no rest between contractions. The midwife described my contractions as "powerful and expulsive"

I was told by another woman 3 days after that I had had an easy birth. Yeah, cheers.

All labours are different. Everyone copes differently.

I've had both a long (19hour) and two shorts labours. None were better/good or easier than the other really. My final labour was like a steam train and I was properly in shock after (the shaking was awful) luckily I was at home and could get under my duvet and have a nice sweet tea. No pain relief. But i would not go rubbing it in the face of someone who had a longer labour as if I was better than them. It's just weird how some people try and make labour competitive.

But how do you know it doesn't compare to a two hour labour if you've never had one? I had a six hour labour and a 4 hour labour, but I can guarantee mine was different to those women who's labours were the same length because we have different pain thresholds, different size babies etc.

I was shaking after my DC2, threw up both times, hadn't slept for days before DC1, hadn't eaten with DC2. I've also never understood the whole doing stuff between contractions because mine came so fast I didn't get a break to even turn over when the midwife asked me to.

My labours were short but no better or worse then most (obviously are exceptions), just different. Still had a huge 9lb 2 & 10lb 8 baby coming out of me.

The length of the labour does not matter. SILs first one took ages but she felt she could do it again the next day. The second was 4 hours and was very very painful. She couldnt cope at all from beginning to end. The third was long but very doable till he got stuck. So no, don't compare length of labour.

Everyone is different. My labour was officially 3 hours 38 minutes. It was excruciatingly painful. I could barely breath between contractions, full on screamed several times and vomited the second my baby was born. In retrospect I think I handled it so badly because I wasn't expecting to go from very mild period type pains (induced with prostaglandin gel) to full on contractions within half an hour. I just panicked and couldn't handle how intense it was.

My sister has had both quick and very long labours said that they were both bad but at least she got chance to adjust to the pain with the local get one.

Simonly "My sisters friend also said recently that I cheated birth and didn't experience what it was really like because I'm a 'cheater' I was biting my lip thinking yeah ok then!" Did this person say it to your face? If so, why did you bite your lip? I'd just have said "That's a really rude thing to call me, let's change the subject."

If it was your sister who reported that conversation back to you I'd say, "That's a really rude thing to call me, let's change the subject."

It's interesting to compare experiences but the competitive stuff gets on my very last nerve. If both mother and baby survive then I consider it a job well done.
I've had long labours (10 hours plus), shorter one(less than 2 hours), a really scary one (early labour hundreds of miles from a hospital, midwife broke the gas and air thingy, baby had arm looped over her head, causing a prolapsed cord and baby's death), some induced and some not, one assisted but most not and one glorious one when I was off my face and convinced the cast and crew of Emmerdale were standing in my birth canal watching the proceedings.. They all had one thing in common- once the baby was born, how they got here didn't matter. The one where the baby died obviously caused some degree of trauma which I'm still working on years later, but other than that I wanted to tell the whole story once and then never really discuss it again.

I think our attitudes to labour as a society are masochistic. People seem to enjoy the stories of pain and suffering - perhaps because they feel it is 'managed' pain with an acceptable outcome, and as such more acceptable to discuss/compare/compete?

I've had 3 labours. Two induced and one natural. Induced no more painful than the natural one.

First one I was in hospital for a couple of days before and had a pessary the night before I was induced so I was shattered before I started, that was definitely the worst because I was so tired plus I had the evil pethidine Officially I was only in labour for about 15h though so not that bad but I do think being exhausted makes for a bad labour experience.

Second labour went into labour naturally overnight, woke up, had a shower and breakfast then was in hospital about 8am, she was born at lunchtime and I was home for tea. Definitely the easiest time of it because I had had a good nights sleep and I think not having to spend an overnight in the hospital made all the difference. Just as painful though.

Third labour my waters broke at 36 weeks, since I'd had 2 vaginal births they decided to induce me, contractions ramped up very quickly and were intense but no more painful than second labour. TENS machine couldn't cope though. Baby started to get distressed, I said I think the baby is coming soon but when they checked I was only 5cm so they wheeled me to the theatre by which point I was fully dilated and he came out in 2 pushes. 5 cm to birth in 10 minutes and the first natural birth some of the theatre staff had seen! Obviously the worst thing in this situation was that he was a (late) preemie, we were in hospital for 9 days after he was born and he was in and out of hospital for the first few years of his life.

I wish I'd have known the shaking with quick labours is normal. I was birth partner to my friend who gave birth within an hour of us getting to the hospital. She was shaking like mad after and nobody told her it was normal. She was scared and the staff around her seemed confused by it.

I had a couple of quick labours. Both ended in emcs, first was fine, second genuinely nearly killed me. Someone told me I "hadn't given birth properly" once too. Took all my willpower not to chuck my drink at them.
I do find it fascinating that labours can be so different. My friend had her baby same time as me and she was in labour for actual days. I went round for a cup of tea while she was having contractions and her waters didn't break until she was about to give birth. Both my labours started with my waters breaking and I was 10cm within a couple of hours. I don't think either of us had it "worse" than the other but it wasn't until we had our chidren that I knew labour could be so wildly different.

My second baby first and second stage were a whooping 23 minutes combined. It was a vbac, I had no pain relief and he destroyed my body. I went into shock and he was in severe distress!

Not a breeze...

My friend (who is training to be a midwife) is a big believer in karma, the universe balancing out, etc recently told me that the reason my son has so many allergies is because I had an 'easy' 8 hour labour. She's not got kids and had not even seen a birth at that point, but apparently as I hadn't had any major interventions (but it still bloody hurt) I clearly hadn't suffered enough and so was 'owed' some bad luck

My friend (who is training to be a midwife) is a big believer in karma, the universe balancing out, etc recently told me that the reason my son has so many allergies is because I had an 'easy' 8 hour labour. She's not got kids and had not even seen a birth at that point, but apparently as I hadn't had any major interventions (but it still bloody hurt) I clearly hadn't suffered enough and so was 'owed' some bad luck confused

I would not have used the word "friend" there. At all.

I'm sorry but that doesn't compare to a 2 hour labour.

For you maybe. I've had two long labours and two short ones. The one with three contractions messed me up far more mentally than the longer ones. With the longer births once the babies were born I was totally focussed on them, with the quickest labour I was in shock, shaking, vomiting and couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. He didn't get fed until nearly three hours after he was born.

I was shaking after my 33-hour labour!

I hate it, I had to have massive amounts of medical interventions throughout pregnancy and birth. I went into labour at 34 weeks and I was terrified, we had previously had four stillborn DC, each immediately after the other, plus late miscarriages and missed miscarriages and DS was our final try (against medical advice but that's another story).

They were monitoring DS and I as they started prepping for emergency C-section, but I had a lot of complications and my body doesn't accept anaesthetic easily, and they thought they weren't going to be able to get him out in time as they were struggling to get me anaesthetised.
The consultant told me to prepare myself for another stillbirth even as I could see DS's heart faltering and failing on the monitor and I completely lost it, I was beyond hysterical and screaming.

I know it would have been better to be calm and let them work, but I just couldn't cope, I am usually extremely self controlled but something just snapped. They did get DS out in time thankfully, I insisted they started cutting before the anaesthetic had kicked in. We didn't live in the UK, which I think is fortunate as a midwife friend of mine in London says they would never start cutting like that in the UK,and without that we would have lost DS.

I still shake thinking about it, and am typing this. I very rarely talk about it .

Sorry, that was very morbid. I do hate comparisons of labour though, it can be tough in different ways for everyone.

LoupGarou
What an awful experience you've had. I can't even begin to imagine how painful, both physically and emotionally, that all was.

Thank Formerly x.

The trouble is we all have gone through this huge life changing experience and some people come out of it feeling like a failure and some like wonder woman. I think we compare because we are trying to make sense of what we have gone through in a really awkward, sometimes insensitive way.

Our birth experiences are altered by so many different things. Our relationships, our worries, our pain thresholds, our mental health, our resilience, our past experiences etc. No two women can ever really compare. No two labours can ever really compare.

I have had 5 'normal' births. Varying from 2 hours to 12 hours. From 7lb to 11lbs. Homebirth and hospital. Painful and pain free. Aged 17 to 30.

I have witnessed 3 babies being born and delivered one.

I sometimes think women should be offered some sort of talking therapy after birth, because after all, when we compare and off load to other women, that is what we are really doing. We just forget that the other woman often has her own issues too.