To be unsure whether to give the money back?

[garlicandsapphire]

My elderly Mum gave me and my sister and brothers some money last year - not enough to pay off the mortgage or anything but enough to pay off credit cards and get work done on the house which was a great help. Since then she's been ill and is now asking for it back as she's fretting about her financial well-being and paying for care in the future. This is despite the fact she still has a lot of money (half a million in cash and her house) and that I've shown her calculations that show she spends less than her income and that she has plenty to pay for all her likely needs in the future. I have also said whatever happens we will cover her costs and take care of her.

She says it every time I see her and I'm feeling I ought to give at least some of it back but neither my sister or brothers (who see her less often) feel inclined to do so. I just feel really horrid every time I see her. I could still give her half of it back but if I have to give her the lot I'd have to take out a bank loan. AIBU to not pay it back?

Is she being assessed re financial stuff for soc services. This gifting can be seen as a deliberate " deprivation of assets " by them

If she has plenty of cash as you say , she should be giving it away as much as allowed and making sure she lives the 7 yrs after just so the tax man doesn't get his hands on it - spend spend spend when you are old 😂 ( with s plan to just dip below inheritance tax threshold at date of death)

As regards care / care home I know it's hard for her to see but actually moving into a naice home and paying what ever it costs to have pleasant food and surroundings should be her priority ( or buying in enough care T home- living care can be got for what she's paying for 4 calls if she has a room I bet).

Recently been through this with my parents. Us kids have no " right" to inherit and if care is needed , we may well not. Buy good card now. Chances are when the money runs out and you throw yourself on the mercy of the state you won't much care about Lino vs carpet and mushed food if that's where you are at, is meh what ever.

Hope that's hasn't been too bluntly said op. Hope you can work it out. I don't think you should pay it back and talk to the other recipients. Maybe agree if she needs it down the line you will support her to at least that amount ?

Id give it her back if I could. It's not got anything to do with what the right or legal situation is - it to do with an old and worried 90 who is fretting about money. The OP will most likely get a decent inheritance at some point.

The Mum is being silly and 'selfish' but it's probably because she is scared.

BTW if the OP doesn't give back the money what are the chances the Mum leaves all her money to the Cats Home? (I'm joking! ..I think)

Sorry for typos

@Welshmaenad

Send us all your older people, we'll look after them!

Yes, it's sad we're sending so much money West and North, subsidising such a massive inequality.

OP has explained where the money came from - it's not gifted, it's a totally above board, legal thing that was done after her father's death. There is no question of trying to cheat the system here.

It sounds as though your mother is in the grip of an irrational anxiety. The fact that you've explained everything clearly and patiently, and she continues to repeat and repeat her concerns is suggestive to me of some kind of mental health or neurological issue. As you say, there are ample assets to pay for any and all of her care needs, so this really IS a totally irrational worry.

I honestly don't think you should repay the money - I suspect it would only cause problems with your siblings (and it sounds as though you may have to pull tightly together quite soon) and wouldn't necessarily allay her fears. That's the thing about an irrational anxiety - reason cannot lay it to rest.

Thanks for all your comments. My brother and I went to see my Mum and we went through her finances showing her how much she had and doing sums to show even if she increased her spending two or three fold she'd be okay. We even added in a high dependency care home and rolls Royce to one scenario. We also promised that we would each hold a share of the original sum in savings and not spend it.

She hasn't mentioned money since and has moved onto other issues. It is anxiety - she knows it too.

That sounds like a good resolution. I'm glad you have sorted it and hope your Mum doesn't find something else silly to stress about.