DH is 'honorary mum' who does 'women's work' - absolutely fed up with it - my morning feminist rant!!!

[smyle]

Just that really, I am a full time working mum, I am the main wage earner and DH works part time and mainly does the school runs etc. We're happy with this, it was a joint decision - Dh is a brilliant father, a fantastic partner and we work well together, but I get so utterly fed up of the language it's encased in! It is constantly portrayed as he is doing women's work. His mother constantly jokes about him being honorary mum, this has translated into the school mums at the play ground, if doing the washing or something he will joke that he is being 'washer women' (loads more examples but you get the picture) - all said in good humour but when I correct or challenge people on it I'm accused of being over sensitive (this irritates me even more!), but all of this screams sexist crap to me!
It drives me nuts on two levels (in no particular order btw!); 1) there is an underlying assumption I should be doing this and somehow failing by not. No-one ever calls me 'honorary dad', no one ever masculines my work or role, nope - I get comments such as being called a 'career woman' and not built to be a 'stay at home mum' - it is simply suggested that I am somehow falling short and DH has to step in to make up for my failings - oh and isn't he great to drop himself down to 'women's or mums work'. It is all crap - I was at home for 3 years when children were really small and loved it - I simply do what WE decided was best for our family!
2) I have 2 boys aged 4 and 6 - I don't want them caught up in the patriarchal rubbish - I don't want them having to grow up thinking this is women's work and this is man's. They hear all of this and sometimes even imitate the language. Great they've got a role model who is a fabulous dad and they see their parents work as a partnership but they still are influenced by this gendered rubbish.
Am I over reacting....

@shovetheholly

One thing that jumps out is that you're being accused of being oversensitive, which is basically a way of minimizing your thoughts and feelings on the matter andtransforming them into a personal weakness, rather than a valid viewpoint.

Brilliant! I'm stealing that.
I was trying to convey this very thing to Dh a couple of days ago but was so pissed off, I couldn't articulate my feelings.

Oh, forgive me. I forgot the the husbands take on the situation is totally irrelevant and lightheartedness on any thread with 'feminism' in it won't be tolerated.

No wonder feminists are regarded as humourless and ranty

I get this too, mostly from my mother. DH and I do housework etc fairly equally. I get "Isn't he good?" "Aren't you lucky he helps?" all the time. No he isn't helping, he is doing his share of cleaning up things that he has used just as much as I have!
Recently my mum was here when DH made dinner. We were in a rush so he literally cooked some pasta, added some ready-made sauce and grated some cheese. My mother praised him as if he'd just won his first Michelin star!
It annoys him as much as me as it is incredibly patronising, as if these tasks are too difficult for his male brain to cope with.

Oh believe me Olympic his arse has been well and truly kicked. I'm exhausted and totally flipped my lid at him last weekend and have pretty much gone on strike this weekend.

He has basically bitten off more than he can chew, he's great with kids and loves what he does from that point of view but he really doesn't have the other skills needed to run a business-poor prioritisation and organisation, finance skills, planning, attention to detail etc. Luckily for him I do have those, in spades, so it should work but the problem is that a)we're overstretched because he decided to expand against my wishes and b)having to constantly point out what needs done then hassle him to do it makes me feel like his mother. I discovered the other day that he's not logged his income and expenses since I last caught it up for him in August. We lost out on thousands we were entitled to claim (not benefits) because he didn't bother to check the requirements then ignored my repeated reminders. Argh

But he's awesome according to everyone because he is good with kids. My contribution to the business is generally regarded by everyone externally as "does a bit of admin"...sexist claptrap

Sorry for ranting on your thread op.

Probably outed myself with these posts if anyone who knows me is around, ah well!

StatisticallyChallenged, I don't know you but I remember you kept me sane during the Scottish referendum, so thank you again xx!

It's fuckwittery at its finest.
Keep challenging it x

I feel your pain - FT working mum with PT working dad whose shared parental leave finished yesterday. MWs/HV ask him if he has a day off to look after little one - we have our rants down to a T and I've perfected my glare

I now say 'well aren't you rather backward' to the professionals as Im sick of explaining (justifying)

SC

Good on you.

It really grinds my gears too. I used to get it when XP was SAHD (running his own business from home) when DS was young. DS still did nursery 3 days a week, but good God did XP get fawned over for his 2 days of parenting.

I'm so glad that one of my family members (who wasn't able to work because of past MH issues) has opted to be a SAHD and we all just accept it without comment. His DW is much better suited to having a high powered career and has way more earning potential (she's already doing well, but she'll be on 6 figures well before she retires). He takes their toddler to So. Many. Activities. and generally gives him loads of opportunities. More than even I as a SAHM managed (in the 18 months I was one). Being a SAHD has also helped his MH and you just can't argue with that really. XP couldn't bear the thought of being a novelty amongst women and refused to take DS to stuff, which was a real shame.

Grrr. We used to live a long haul flight away from England and would regularly travel back home for holidays. I often travelled alone with our children as babies and toddlers. Not easy but fine, you manage.

My husband brought them back on his own ONCE (when they were big enough to walk and talk) and was told many times how brave he was to fly on his own with them and had loads of people offering to help him.

Thanks @manwhohasitall for highlighting how ridiculous it all is:

www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/05/17/17-tips-for-men-juggling-work-and-fatherhood/

thank you - reading all these I felt quite a bit better... it does nark me, dh knows this and I think plays on it sometimes, DMil is just I think a bit baffled by me, but I do have to remember hat she never went to work and had a very fixed view on gender roles, DH grew up with this - so I shall try and be gentle but firm in reminding! I grew up in a household very similar to the one I have now, mum and dad often switched SAHP role depending on what suit the family, so this is my norm and will be my boys norm I'm sure.