To be annoyed at sister not eating at my house

[User72854]

My sister suffered from an egg allergy as a child. She doesn't seem to any more and it was never dangerous-an upset stomach generally. Today I went to a lot of effort to do a buffet for quite a few family members. There was quiche and coleslaw. My sister refused to eat anything even though she could see that these things weren't coming in to contact with any other food or cutlery. Then she asked me if it was safe to eat a cake that she herself brought - I.e had the knife that I took clean out of the drawer touched anything else. I just found it so rude and over the top when I had made the effort to cook (with 2 children under 3...).

It was perhaps a little unfortunate to have quiche and coleslaw for lunch when your sister had an allergy. However, given that you are overwhelmed with two children under two, it is an understandable oversight.

However, YABVU to expect your sister to eat food when she is concerned about cross-contamination.

Do you actually get on? I'm not hearing a lot of warmth when you are talking about her. If this was my sister, I'd just talk to her. It would concern me what was wrong and I would be worried, not cross.

Why does it matter? If she doesn't want to eat, let her not eat. She's an adult, isn't she?

Get over it.

If you can get over an allergy, can it also resurface?

She deliberately snubbed your food and insulted your washing up abilities by avoiding your cutlery and eating something containing the food she claimed to be avoiding? Sounds like a bit of a twat, is she normally attention seeking? Or does she prefer to be the host and making a point that you're incapable!

She deliberately snubbed your food and insulted your washing up abilities by avoiding your cutlery and eating something containing the food she claimed to be avoiding? Sounds like a bit of a twat, is she normally attention seeking? Or does she prefer to be the host and making a point that you're incapable!

I wish there was more understanding of allergies within the general population.

I have a food allergy and I rarely eat at other people's houses due to lack of understanding. I almost died one time due to cross contamination - we think a speak of the food I am allergic too must have been on my cutlery. That is all it takes.

Yes you are being very unreasonable.

I disagree with posters saying your sister is a twat.

For what it's worth, some allergies are airborne or contact - serving coleslaw and quiche was a bad idea - its things like that which make her on edge and unable to trust you.

Speck not speak.

She doesn't seem to any more and it was never dangerous-an upset stomach generally

Sorry OP. I understand your annoyance but for some of us. An upset stomach is more than just the squits. I generally cant have creamy things / ice creams. I also have to be very near a bathroom if I have either. I went out with friends last year and bought everyone but myself ice creams. The other day I took DCs out for tea. I treated myself and had cake with cream on the side. It'll be fine. It's only a bit.
I spent the next day with my stomach churning it's lining inside out in agony. It's not a dangerous intolerance but it's a very inconvenient and potentially embarrassing one if someone was to serve me creamy things. I can very much see why your sister did this with an egg allergy. She's being cautious, not precious.

I dont understand - did her allergy stop in her teens or can she manage it well and therefore not have any issues because she isnt eating egg?

If she is not eating egg then surely you can forgive her being cautious about mixes and contamination? Being cautious about ones health is not rude. Or do you thing avoiding the shits is being rude? Since you do not prepare all of her food, how can you know what she does, what she eats and how she eats it?

I randomly develop food allergies to things i've happily eaten for years. At 14, i suddenly started reacting wit ha major facial rash and swelling if i ate strawberries. At 18, i had half a teaspoon of peanut butter and 10 minutes later i basically had a second bladder, and only just held it in time to get from sofa to toilet, i was in there over an hour. Didn't twig at the time it was the peanut butter, i ate a similarly small amount again a few days later and it hit me in less than 3 minutes, again i basically had a second bladder and only just made it to the loo, and realised right away both times i'd just had a very small amount of peanut butter. I stopped eating peanuts right away. I eventually risked a few miniature (celebrations) snickers bars christmas of 2015, and was ok. I eventually progressed up to half a regular snickers bar, and can now eat a full one. i still only eat fake peanut butter tho thats 100% soya, i assumed it was the high levels of peanut oils that im intolerant to. Also ate half a bag of salted cashews and nearly had an accident in 2014, so confirming its nut oils i react to as they were very oily.
I also have OCD, and her nervousness and asking if she would be ok eating the cake after cutting with your knife and her focus on contamination sounds classic OCD. It really isn't "being rude", i have contamination issues myself and you really do obsess over the fact you havent seen how something was handled by others so how can you be sure it wasn't accidentally contaminated? My dad is my full time carer, has lived with me and my OCD for 22 years ( i triggered very young) and he can honestly think hes not touched something and insist its clean even though i was watching and saw him brush it. For example walking out of Tesco the other day, he was only holding one handle of the bag and the other brushed against the front bumper of a car as he passed it, i told him it had but he insisted it hadnt because he hadnt felt it, i had to spray disinfectant spray all over the outside of the bag and handles before i could take anything out of it so i didnt contaminate any of the shopping. He's a pain for brushing against the drying clean washing on the airer with the flapping bit of his sleeves or bottom hem of his t-shirt too and always says he didnt feel it so it didnt happen and i'm "seeing things". Knowing he doesn't realise he's done things and insisting it didn't happen when i saw it myself makes it very hard to trust him saying he's sure something wasn't contaminated when i wasn't there.

It sounds like you had been very thoughtful and considerate in trying to provide food which was completely safe with her, so YANBU to feel hurt that she neither ate it nor thanked you for your trouble.

However, it's possible that your sister's over-carefulness stems from other people having wrongly assured her that their food was safe for her to eat, resulting in her really suffering for having believed them. It's an easy mistake to make. Perhaps it's possible you've even done this in the past, and she was too polite to mention it afterwards?

It's also possible that coping with her allergy has led her to get somewhat phobic. This isn't uncommon, and would be very understandable.

So YWBU to hold a grudge against her. Maybe have a gentle chat with her before the next time she comes round so that at least you don't waste your effort again.

She deliberately snubbed your food and insulted your washing up abilities by avoiding your cutlery and eating something containing the food she claimed to be avoiding?

If she brought a cake herself, it's perfectly likely that she brought an egg free cake, you know! There's some amazing ones out there, and really easy to make some that are indistinguishable from ones with eggs in.

Thanks Italian greyhound, good advice. Yes the cake had egg - she can have it if cooked thoroughly
Ah, just seen this after posting about egg free cakes. Yes it is possible to have eggs cooked thoroughly in cakes but not ones that aren't.
Something to do with the proteins being broken down, I believe. Unlike coleslaw.
Although some would be completely oblivious to this fact and no doubt just put you down as fussy

She deliberately snubbed your food and insulted your washing up abilities by avoiding your cutlery and eating something containing the food she claimed to be avoiding? Sounds like a bit of a twat, is she normally attention seeking? Or does she prefer to be the host and making a point that you're incapable

Yes, how dare she have a food allergy and check with the op that the cutlery hadn't touched the contaminate. She's such an attention seeker, she clearly should have just eaten the food, it's only an upset stomach

even if her allergy isn't bad, i wouldn't eat food i knew would make me sick just to make someone feel better, who would?
Your sister hasn't done this to hurt you.
I can't eat certain foods as they make me sick, i wouldn't eat them even if someone had gone to a lot of trouble. I don't want to spend hours in the bathroom!
Speak to your sister, maybe her allergy has gotten worse.

Attaching emotional importance to food like this is tiresome. I have a restricted diet, and some people act like I've massacred their family when I (politely) say I can't eat a certain thing. It's not YOU I need to avoid, Barbara - it's your egg tarts!

I do too Almost. I was visiting my Dad in hospital with my niece at the weekend and I took her for a costa whilst my Dad had a bit of rest. My Niece saw me getting twitchy when the woman said their dishwasher had stopped working but it was okay because there were takeout cups and she hid the fork from me because she knew I'd freak out if I saw the stains on it and wouldn't eat the banana bread I'd brought for us both. My family are used to me by now.

I know its inconvenient and silly and overdramatic but it's very real to me and other ocd sufferers. The germ thing does sound like me!! like it's a possibility along with the allergy.

Just putting it out there with the whole egg thing, saying she appeared to be okay recently but isn't now. They may be an even simpler explanation like she could be being careful because she's pregnant? Is that possible OP? When I was pg with DD the only thing I foule stomach for months was strawberries. I'm sure I looked like an ungrateful knob to my sister when I turned my nose up at the roast dinner she'd lovingly cooked for me that day too.

YABVU. She came to visit you, thats the main thing, despite the fact that you dont even seem to like her all that much.

What does it matter what she did or didn't eat

It sounds like she used the situation as an opportunity to bash her older sibling. Sibling niggles go on for life.

You are being accused of not feeling warmly to DSis when she sounds like a selfish pia. Someone goes to great lengths to prepare a delicious lunch and she messes around like that?? I would say it is something from the past and she was scoring points. Could your circumstances be seen as happier, more successful etc than DSis, to explain the behaviour?

Some context - she doesn't have an egg free house, foods that she doesn't eat are in her fridge for other family members. She can and does sit with people eating eggs in a restaurant. She doesn't routinely flag her allergy when eating out. Despite this she hasn't had any reaction in 20 years. I thought the steps I took were proportionate and when she saw me take the clean knife out of the drawer that was when it started to feel like a deliberate attempt to upset me. Good points that perhaps she is anxious right now.... I will probably give family hosting a rest for a while

Jesus christ, people saying she is a twat because she didn't want to risk making herself ill! I'm guessing these people don't have allergies. If op had been thoughtful and considerate she wouldn't have served bloody quiche at all. When you have an allergy you have usually gone through several traumatic episodes in the past after eating the allergen. It's so painful and you are ill for days so if there is a spread of food and you see loads of it everywhere you start to get quite anxious and go into overcareful mode. This is not someone being fussy and attention seeking ffs she is trying to avoid a horribly unpleasant situation for her that affects her health. Also every time you have an episode with your allergen your reaction usually gets worse, so it becomes more serious over time.

I have IBS that can flare up whenever it feels like it and due to certain foods. I avoid eating out or at other people's homes as I don't know what could set it off and the worry that I might end up with vomiting or an upset tummy (as has happened in the past) just makes it worse. It's easier to avoid eating anything. Give your sister a break. Allergies, IBS, intolerance and the like are never clear-cut and the results can be noisy, smelly and utterly embarrassing

If this individual episode is something you find so abhorrently stressful that you need to 'give family hosting a rest for a while', sorry, but you need to get a grip.

"when she saw me take the clean knife out of the drawer that was when it started to feel like a deliberate attempt to upset me"

There has to be a backstory to this or you are being massively sensitive!