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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at sister not eating at my house

79 replies

User72854 · 05/02/2017 21:47

My sister suffered from an egg allergy as a child. She doesn't seem to any more and it was never dangerous-an upset stomach generally. Today I went to a lot of effort to do a buffet for quite a few family members. There was quiche and coleslaw. My sister refused to eat anything even though she could see that these things weren't coming in to contact with any other food or cutlery. Then she asked me if it was safe to eat a cake that she herself brought - I.e had the knife that I took clean out of the drawer touched anything else. I just found it so rude and over the top when I had made the effort to cook (with 2 children under 3...).

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 05/02/2017 22:24

Maybe she does have a reason to be so careful. But I'd just not invite her for food if she is going to be so worried and make you upset. It is annoying when you have gone to lengths to prepare a meal and then somebody can't eat this and can't eat that. It would be better for everyone if they ate at home and only food prepar3ed by themslefes.

Original poster
User72854 · 05/02/2017 22:27

I put out lots of other food, much of it in packaging which she could have been the first to open if she had chosen to.

OP posts:
sobeyondthehills · 05/02/2017 22:32

I have an allergy to chocolate, same sort of thing as your sister and while I haven't had a reaction in a while, its not because its gone away, its because I am careful, even when my son has chocolate, I have to make sure his face and hands are properly washed before he comes near me. Just incase.

YABU

Northend77 · 05/02/2017 22:39

What is your attitude towards her regarding her allergy - are you respectful or dismissive of it as it sounds like the latter and if she is getting that from you then I'm not surprised she chose not to bother

HateSummer · 05/02/2017 22:42

Coleslaw 😂😂 for someone with an egg allergy 😂. You might aswell have got a real egg and smashed it in her face raw.

howCanwedo12 · 05/02/2017 22:45

Ignore the other posters, your sister was rude, and you are justified to be annoyed... :-)
My daughter had a mild egg allergy as a child, but I've seen her wolf down poached eggs, but offer her quiche, and the egg allergy rears its head again (she's an adult now) and eats everything with egg in it..

You arent being unreasonable for her to wonder about eating her own cake, and if she knew she wouldnt be able to eat anything, she should have said....good on you for putting on a family meal...

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:45

bulstrode have you told her you felt a bit snubbed by this?

I hope the cake did not have any egg in it!

I think you could speak to her and see if her food allergy has morphed into something bigger. Not being willing to eat anything sounds like a part of an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I wouldn't take it personally or allow it to come between you. I'd make food available, strictly adhering to what she would be able to eat and then leave it to her. She may even end up bringing her own food, and knife, and if so that would make me quite worried (so I would not suggest she do this, even in jest).

I;d tailor my conversation that you are worried for her, and her allergy, rather than you are pissed off. If there is something going on, in her gut or her mind, she needs your help and sympathy and not to feel condemned by you.

underneaththeash · 05/02/2017 22:47

hate - no the OP said that specifically that it didn't come into contact with the other food. She knows that it has egg in it - read the post.

OP I just tend to cover up food for anyone with allergies and really make a point that I've used a different knife/board for them.
A allergy if very different to an intolerance and I wouldn't do the same for someone who was just avoiding a food group

Original poster
User72854 · 05/02/2017 22:48

Thanks Italian greyhound, good advice. Yes the cake had egg - she can have it if cooked thoroughly.

OP posts:
DontTouchTheMoustache · 05/02/2017 22:52

Op do you have any idea how frustrating it is living with an allergy? I'm allergic to nuts and peanuts so very severe and very common and even when you are SO careful you can still end up having a reaction (at an NYE party a few years ago my friend had a sip of my drink that she mistook for hers after she had eaten a peanut and instantly I got swollen face, projectile vomiting and all sorts of terrifying symptoms. That was just from traces on a drink). When you have an allergy you have to check every damn thing you eat and if someone presents something homemade you have to either ask if it has nuts in (which sends them into a frenzy trying to remember every single ingredient) or just decline which often makes you look rude. I've had reactions before after using public transport probably from holding a rail that someone has touched after eating a snickers or something. So you might feel slightly put out that she didn't eat your food and "made a song and dance about it" but I guarantee it has a far greater impact on her life and she would certainly rather not have to deal with it. It's not about you.

reallyanotherone · 05/02/2017 22:52

I don't eat at my il's house. I'm veggie, most dishes are meat based, and they cook with lard. They also say things like, "ooh we got potato salad especially for you, it'll be lovely, just pick the bacon out"...

I figure it's politer to just not be hungry, or have just eaten, than to have to lecture them yet again on vegetarianism.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:53

PS You mention "There was quiche and coleslaw..." it is very odd you mention two items that have egg in them what other food was there and was it near the quiche and coleslaw?

If howCanwedo12 is saying "Ignore the other posters, your sister was rude, and you are justified to be annoyed..." I'd like to say ignore the advice from howCanwedo12!

Someone else's sister or daughter or friend may have or have had a mild egg allergy but we don't know the egg allergy is the same for the OP's sister.

The OP's sister is not required to eat her food if she feels uncomfortable for any reason. Some people have much more sensitive stomaches. I've got IBS. I tend to eat everything, and may pay for it later. What people eat, certainly as adults, really is up to them.

GloriaGaynor · 05/02/2017 22:54

Thing is once something has made you nauseous/vomit/tummy upset etc, you do get an aversion to it. Not necessarily based on what will happen, but what happened in the past and may happen again.

Stuff with eggs in is ok for me if it doesn't taste too eggy - you can't taste the egg in cake but you can in quiche and mayo.

Only1scoop · 05/02/2017 22:55

I also found it odd the mentioning of Quiche and coleslaw....the main platters offered perhaps?

Original poster
User72854 · 05/02/2017 22:56

Well I certainly didn't put egg in anything and tell her to pick it out !

OP posts:
GloriaGaynor · 05/02/2017 22:57

And it depends if the wind is in the right direction.

If it is I may be able to manage an omelette (maybe once or twice a year) - as long as it has lots of veg in and cooked to death - but generally the wind is in the wrong direction and - just the thought of an omelette makes me heave.

To an observer that may seem picky and inconsistent - but it really about nausea management.

Original poster
User72854 · 05/02/2017 22:57

My point was those were the two egg containing foods which were kept separate from everything else.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 22:58

bulstrode thank you.

And you don't need to list all the foods you had on offer, it was just you mentioned two with egg in them which confused me! Grin

(PPS I have had OCD and it morphed into an eating disorder)

Jenniferb21 · 05/02/2017 22:59

I think people are being a little harsh here in their answers but I do think you've taken this too personally. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you. Next time maybe ask her for ideas for food or let her know you've remembered her and have taken specific steps to avoid her worrying. Making her feel safe and cared for would prevent the tension i think. Don't beat yourself up I'm sure you never wanted to cause upset x

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2017 23:00

"My point was those were the two egg containing foods which were kept separate from everything else."

OK that is clear now. Thanks

Original poster
User72854 · 05/02/2017 23:02

Thanks

OP posts:
kateandme · 05/02/2017 23:05

if she got over the allergy it might still be a prominent fear if she went through lots of pain with it.

glitterazi · 05/02/2017 23:06

I have an egg allergy. They're crap. Only suffers from an upset stomach? Oh, that's OK then. Confused Hmm
If I ate egg or milk, it could result in stabbing stomach pains and diarrhoea (tmi, but true) for a couple of days.
Why are you dismissing her allergy, as you have no idea how severe it is.
You say she had an egg allergy as a child so you know she's not making it up.
I can quite easily, for example, react to a slice of bacon and my eyes swell up and close if it's been cooked in the same pan as an egg. I don't even have to eat the damn egg to react to it.
So I think your sister is perfectly within her rights to ask questions for her own safety, not solely for the laugh and to piss you off. It's not all about you.
As has already been mentioned but I can't see an answer - what other things apart from quiche and coleslaw was on the buffet?
Also, were they next to the eggy quiche and coleslaw etc? She's perfectly reasonable to ask if it's a clean knife as well - for all she knew, you could have been chopping your quiches up with it earlier for example.
Sometimes the ignorance and naivety around allergies is frightening.

zzzzz · 05/02/2017 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claraschu · 05/02/2017 23:07

It sounds like you have gone out of your way to make sure that there was lots of uncontaminated food for her.

People react the way they do because they are used to other people not taking their allergies seriously enough, so they have a knee-jerk reaction of assuming that non-allergic people just don't understand.