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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed about moms age comments (ranting)

69 replies

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 05/02/2017 17:43

My mom was 34 when she had me, lots of people even now make nasty comments about how it was too old.
Yesterday on here I saw a comment, obviously well meaning, about how people who have their kids "young" (specifically said at 25) only do so because they want unconditional love after difficult childhoods/ family relationships.
This really upset me and got me thinking. My first born could have lived, had the hospital not labelled me as a "young mom" at one point during my pregnancy, as I sat sobbing telling them something was wrong, (reduced movements 6 times without investigation) a nurse patted my hand and Said "you're a young first time mom, you'll worry more its normal". When she was born something was wrong, but by this time it was too late to help and she eventually passed. If they had investigated then she could have been born prem and stood a chance. (the coroners report said this I'm not assuming)
My local weight clinic is at a mother and baby group and the moms their are almost all older than me, I've had more than one comment that I should have waited a few years to start my family. I've not told these women I had one years ago. I never know what to say in these situations, I wouldn't dare comment on their age! Surely its an adults choice when they have children?
My mom had all these comments in reverse when she had me!
I was 19. I'm now 25 and just had my second. Hospital were lovely but I've had so many comments along the lines of "but you are so young to have had two... Don't you think 25 is young for this day and age..." Etc.
I was working when I had dd1, and had my own flat, sure it was a council rent but I worked to pay my rent. I'm working now and living with dp who also works in our own rented place. Not that I think this should make much of a difference
Why do people think a mothers age age gives them the right to judge what type of parent they will be? Does anyone else get annoyed by comments like this or aibu? If I'm not anyone any ideas how I can reply without telling them to keep their judgements to themselves and fuck off?

OP posts:

busyboysmum · 05/02/2017 19:48

A lot of us were young when they had full student grants so we were able to go out partying every night whilst at Uni then go travelling for the 8 weeks summer holidays. Fabulous times ☺

Yazmin01 · 05/02/2017 19:49

I was 20 when I had my DS 22 now. I don't think I was too young or missed out. I enjoyed my teen years. I have be with my DF for 6years so I was ready to settle down. Once the kids have grown up I will be in my 40s so still young enough and able enough to enjoy life then. With or without my DCs.

Yazmin01 · 05/02/2017 19:50

I am 22 not him 😂

PostTruthEra · 05/02/2017 19:53

Busy I know. Dh is a bit older than me and had a lot more 'fun' at uni. I had to work in various different part time jobs to afford to get through it. Not jealous of all his mostly free education at all when my student loan statement comes through each year.

teaforbreakfast · 05/02/2017 19:55

Eurus, because MN is middle class.

Many of the women here will be from families who were generous with financial support.

I know that's not true for everybody here but I bet the single wild party girls weren't for the most part spending university holidays cleaning toilets at a caravan park in Wales!

busyboysmum · 05/02/2017 20:01

I dunno.... those friends who worked on eg. Eurocamp over the holidays have some pretty interesting stories to tell!

Ricekrispiesquare · 05/02/2017 20:10

Young mum here and have had plenty of ridiculous comments.

Barclays Bank worker when applying for a credit card- you shouldn't have kids so young if you can't afford them

Dr dismissing my symptoms when I was poorly- you're a young mum who is run down (ended up rushed to hospital and admitted in isolation for 3 days when alre friendly dr agreed to run a blood test)

Midwife at a hospital when taking DC3 for hearing screening- 'oh I thought you were about 16, I was wondering what you were doing with so many children so young' 😡

IgglePiggleIsDead · 05/02/2017 20:12

At 19 you could be young free - traveling - university - starting a career - falling in love over and over - lots of things you could be doing

Urghh I hate these comments! I had my DS at 19, I'm now 25 and currently in the middle of my degree. I have 3 holidays planned this year to places I've always wanted to go, 2 of them with DS as he is very much geeky like me and will love it and 1 is an adult only one so I can let my hair down a bit. I also have a couple of guys I'm currently flirting and dating with (disclaimer: guys kept well away from DS, he's never met any boyfriend and it will stay that way unless it becomes a serious long term relationship) so it is all perfectly possible to do even with a child, I just had to wait a few years to get out of the baby and toddler stage. Plus I feel like I appreciate these experiences so much more now than I would have done at 18/19 when I was quite immature and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

Ewock · 05/02/2017 20:18

I'm what people call an older mum. Had my 1st aged 36 and my 2nd aged 39. In some ways I wish I had my children younger as my energy levels aren't the same. But I was in a dead end relationship for years and only met dh when i was 31. I have never had my age commented on but pretty sure my reponse would be less than polite. Each person makes their own decisions. I don't feel that if I had had children earlier that i would have missed out on things. I don't know that i would have done things differently if I had children when I was younger. I would have done things at a different time that is all.

Astro55 · 05/02/2017 22:07

Why do people think a mothers age age gives them the right to judge what type of parent they will be? OP

I think you've all misquoted me - I was suggesting that age comments weren't aimed at the OPs parenting skills - or what type of parent she maybe (i.e. One who lacked life in the early years)

But more linked to the lack of free you have once children are here -

busyboysmum · 05/02/2017 22:25

I also suppose if you want to do the partying it's probably better to get that out of the way whilst you are young and child free as you might find friends thin on the ground to do it with in your 40's....

Sweets101 · 05/02/2017 22:32

I had my first at 25 and felt a bit young (absolutely unplanned too) and my last at 32 (still unplanned!) and felt old, you can't win! And alot of my friends are having their first now so not sure why I felt old
I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. The midwives etc were much more inclined to listen to me when I had my 4th than my 1st, I think a lot of that isn’t down to age but 'first time mum' ideas, maybe age confounds it.

Sweets101 · 05/02/2017 22:35

I do think (from my tiny sample) that younger mums tend to be stricter. I was definitely stricter with my first 2. But some of that may be that I am now so outnumbered I have lost the will and merely hope to survive another day

Funnyface1 · 05/02/2017 22:42

I had my first at 25 but I must have looked young as I was mistaken at every turn for a "teen mum". I had my second at 31 and I guess I've ages in that time. Because yes, my experiences were very different. I felt I was taken more seriously and generally more respected. I remember giving my details to a health care professional the first time round and she literally sneered "and is that Miss?". I was married (not that it matters) and her whole attitude changed. I also had a lot of people ask me if I rented or owned my home first time round, but not second time. Don't know why.

Sunnysky2016 · 05/02/2017 22:45

First at 19 second at 25- my kids love having 'young' parents when lots of their friend have preys in their 50's (I'm mid 30's now). have they prevented me doing anything, like gaining my degrees? Not still done them. Age is but a number. It doesn't matter if you are 19,29,39 or 49- it has no bearing on how good a parent you are. The only bearing is others assumptions.

MumW · 05/02/2017 23:02

I was 31 when I had DD2. At three months pregnant, I was admitted as I'd got really dehydrated. I was classed as an older Mum. In fact, I was just about old enough to be the mum of all the other mum's on the ward!
Age is just a number and it's more about when you feel ready to have a baby.

At 51, I have friends of a siimilar age who have small children and friends who are grandparents (and in one instance, great grandparents). We don't see anything odd it, it's just how life panned out.

Original poster

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 06/02/2017 07:33

Astro I think I did misunderstand, and your comment makes sense I just think I disagree with people who think that way.
I'm not glad everyone else has experienced unprofessional professionals but at the same time its nice to know its not just me who brings this out in people! Funny how we just seem to love judging moms.
I mentioned this to a friend last night and she said that maybe its because they cant find anything else to judge you over or pass comment on, so they use your age.

OP posts:

Astro55 · 06/02/2017 07:39

Thank you. We have several young moms in the office - their struggles are no different to mine - whether it's paying bills finding baby sitters issues at school, or generally being worn out.

I think most parents are just getting by best they can and fingers crossed we all raise lovely adults who make they way in the world.

Mouikey · 06/02/2017 07:42

The judgement out there is , we can't win! I'm 41 and had my first child last year - the raised eyebrows and questions I have had about why so late! Because it was perfect for us thank you very much!!!

There is also a much younger mum at a local group I go to and she was apparently told to go to a different group with people of a similar age ... we are all mums facing similar trials and tribulations so supporting each other and sticking up for each other is really important irrelevant if age!

If people say you are so young, say it is the perfect age for you!

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