to get annoyed about moms age comments (ranting)

[LoveMyLittleSuperhero]

My mom was 34 when she had me, lots of people even now make nasty comments about how it was too old.
Yesterday on here I saw a comment, obviously well meaning, about how people who have their kids "young" (specifically said at 25) only do so because they want unconditional love after difficult childhoods/ family relationships.
This really upset me and got me thinking. My first born could have lived, had the hospital not labelled me as a "young mom" at one point during my pregnancy, as I sat sobbing telling them something was wrong, (reduced movements 6 times without investigation) a nurse patted my hand and Said "you're a young first time mom, you'll worry more its normal". When she was born something was wrong, but by this time it was too late to help and she eventually passed. If they had investigated then she could have been born prem and stood a chance. (the coroners report said this I'm not assuming)
My local weight clinic is at a mother and baby group and the moms their are almost all older than me, I've had more than one comment that I should have waited a few years to start my family. I've not told these women I had one years ago. I never know what to say in these situations, I wouldn't dare comment on their age! Surely its an adults choice when they have children?
My mom had all these comments in reverse when she had me!
I was 19. I'm now 25 and just had my second. Hospital were lovely but I've had so many comments along the lines of "but you are so young to have had two... Don't you think 25 is young for this day and age..." Etc.
I was working when I had dd1, and had my own flat, sure it was a council rent but I worked to pay my rent. I'm working now and living with dp who also works in our own rented place. Not that I think this should make much of a difference
Why do people think a mothers age age gives them the right to judge what type of parent they will be? Does anyone else get annoyed by comments like this or aibu? If I'm not anyone any ideas how I can reply without telling them to keep their judgements to themselves and fuck off?

[Bumblebiscuits]

I think it's rubbish either way. Why do we have these judgemental attitudes about women's choices? It's so much rarer that you get comments about dads being too old or too young to have children (unless they're particularly young - e.g. 16 or old - 60. So much women- bashing. Often by other women.

I had mine older and see there are advantages and disadvantages. My choice, I bear the consequences. My children, I would say equally have some advantages - I'm more stable and confident, and better off than when I was in my 20s (that's me, not all women before I get flamed). But I do have less energy and will not be around so long as if I had had them younger.

[MyBreadIsEggy]

Sorry for your loss

Age is irrelevant and it's a very personal decision when you choose to have children.
I was 16 when I met my DH. I went home and told my mum "I'm going to marry that man"....and two years later I did! I was 19 when I fell pregnant with my first, 20 when she was born. 21 when I fell pregnant with my second and 22 when he was born. I look a lot younger than I am, and people often assume I'm a teenage mother!

[SumAndSubstance]

I think the problem with all these things is, as you know from your mum, you just can't win. People love to judge people, especially women I fear, on their life decisions without realising that there is no ideal, and certainly not one that fits everybody. Also, the 'best thing' changes constantly. My mother had me and my sister at 34 and 36 and was considered ancient when she was pregnant and when we are at school. I had my first at 31 and am pregnant with my second at 35, but a lot of my son's Reception friends have mothers much older than me. Nobody has ever commented that I'm an 'old' mother. You sound like you're doing a great job and have had a good life. Ignore anyone who implies otherwise. For what it's worth, I'd have had my kids much younger if I'd had the chance!

[luckylucky24]

I have this issue too. Had my first at 23 but probably didn't look much older than 18/19. Had alot of "oh you are so young". Had my second at 27 and still get the same remark. "very young to have two", "such a baby face" blah blah! I am 27!
I have been called "little girl" at work by my own (female) boss and have even struggled to buy a house because people think we are too young and probably not serious about buying

[AllTheGlitters]

I think it's to judge by age but you will always get it! I feel the same about health professionals, I had my DD a month before I turned 22 and I had negative experiences with my antenatal care, my labour and my HV due to their "know better" attitude.

I'm not being precious either, the midwife roller her eyes at me when I said I was pushing (because how could a young first time mum possibly know, right) and the HV felt the need to insinuate that they would step in if they feel the need . I was (am) a bright young woman with a promising career and a stable happy relationship with a man 8 year older than me. I'm sure she would have not felt the need to say that to an older woman.

Even my mum (who didn't have kids until she was in her 30's) has made the odd comment which surprised me! Mainly about how she wouldn't have been ready for kids in her twenties. That's great for you, but I've been broody since I was a teenager and wouldn't have had DD if I hadn't met my partner. Also re the partying thing, I was so done with that by the time I turned 21, I don't understand that argument!! I would much rather be travelling etc with my family, it's so much nicer for me. Doesn't have to be for everyone but I'm very happy with our beautiful little family

[AllTheGlitters]

Sorry for all the awful spelling arhymes and grammar errors, was typing in a rush

[Roomster101]

I'm surprised that people comment on you being young at 25. I'm also surprised at the suggestion that younger mothers worry more as I think it is much more likely to be the other way around. Whatever your age though, there will always be someone who thinks it is not ideal i.e. too young or too old. The difference is whether they feel they can get away with commenting. You obviously don't give the impression you'll bite.

[Roomster101]

you'll bite you won't bite!

[Whathaveilost]

I dont get the comments about the need for travelling when young or going to uni. I would have hated both! Not every teenagers wants these things. I had my kids at 30 and it was only when i got to my mid 40s that i started travelling by myself a lot and with friends as well as the family.


With regard to the right age. The only right is the one that suits you. Mil had Dh, her first , when she was 42. A very old mum seeing that Dh is now 56!

[Stitchosaurus]

I think 25 is a good age for a baby - you've had time for uni, travelling and to get started with work...but you're young and full of energy still. I had DS at 30 due to fertility problems, would have liked to have had him much earlier.

It's a really tough balance and it pisses me off that our biology doesn't match up with society's expectations!

[Iamastonished]

At 19 you could be young free - traveling - university - starting a career - falling in love over and over - lots of things you could be doing

⬆ This has got to be the biggest load of shit I've ever come across lol you can do ALL of that WITH a child/children too"

But is it much harder, especially if you don't have back up or childcare in place.

It is much easier to just pack a bag and take off without a baby in tow. You can be much more spontaneous and selfish.

I started TTC at 24 because I simply wasn't ready before then. 17 years later DD was born.

[teaforbreakfast]

Packing a bag and taking off is easy, baby or no, provided you have

Limitless money
Limitless time

It's unusual to get the one without the other.

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

If people make comments about your age how about 'I can't imagine why you think I would want to hear that' as a response. Or 'No I don't think I am too young to have two children. If I didn't want two children I wouldn't be having a second child'. What do they expect you to say 'OMG, of course, I'm way too young. How do I send it back?'.

Some people just babble anything that comes into their head. Unfortunately you can't tell them to consider chewing a sock instead of talking if they need something to occupy their mouths. Well you can, but not if you are going to deal with them again in the future, it gets awkward.

[ClashCityRocker]

I don't even have kids and have not travelled the world nor gone to uni. Some of the last ones out on the dancefloor are people who have kids. I've friends who've had their first at eighteen/nineteen, and friends who have had their first in their late thirties/early forties. They love their kids and their lives and are happy with their choice.

It's shitty if people are judging about age. It's what's right for you.

There's pros and cons to having kids whatever the age. I'm very sorry that you suffered a loss due to people's incorrect assumptions

[Ilovecaindingle]

I have had kids over 4 decades and regardless of my age at the time someone has always had something to say about it. Nobody lives your life but you. . . You only really have to answer to your self.

[gottariskitforabiscuit]

Today 19:03 teaforbreakfast

Packing a bag and taking off is easy, baby or no, provided you have

Limitless money
Limitless time

It's unusual to get the one without the other.

⬆⬆This with bells on, this is exactly it !! Tea thank you I couldn't have put it better myself 😌

[LoveMyLittleSuperhero]

You obviously don't give the impression you'll bite. I am always on best behaviour when these comments happen so I think maybe I need to stop this. Next mummies group I think I might go in my biker boots, leather jacket and a short sleeves shirt to show all my tattoos
'OMG, of course, I'm way too young. How do I send it back?'. I'm so using this! I can just imagine the other moms faces. Hold DD out at arms length looking at her puzzled then say this looking horrified
Thankyou everyone I was expecting a flaming so I'm glad I'm not bu, it'll give me confidence to reply. tell them to sod off

[LoveMyLittleSuperhero]

Unfortunately you can't tell them to consider chewing a sock instead of talking if they need something to occupy their mouths.
Would offering them my DDs dummy with a friendly smile and a "if you have nothing nice to say maybe you need this" be considered reasonable?

[PostTruthEra]

Eh, I'm 25 and have a 6months old DS. I secretly think this must be the best age to have kids! I'm degree educated, married, have a mortgage/house and a graduate job which I will have time to get back on track. I feel I've travelled enough and I've lived abroad. I imagine that being youngish and very fit helped with a difficult pregnancy and labour. I also think I have the energy and patience to deal with the demands of parenting. Plus, it was only a few years ago I was regularly up til 3am anyway, so I'm managing the sleepless nights ok!

I do seem to have a very different experience of it compared to the 40ish old Mums in my NCT group. They're all lovely and equally as good parents, but I guess because of some of them having their babies through IVF (and assuming they'll be the only children they have) they seem obsessed with doing everything 'right' and follow NHS guidelines / whatever middle class weaning guide or parenting book they have to the letter, putting a lot of pressure on themselves in the process.

The only downside is that I'm the only one of all my school/uni/work friends of the same age that's popped out sprogs so far so it's a bit lonely and they don't really understand that you can't just leave a breastfed baby and that some social things are just not doable/enjoyable with a baby (some of them are going to feel like such dicks when they have their own children for some of the things they've suggested. I don't hold it against them, I probably said similar pre-dc!).

Really sorry to hear about your first pregnancy. Enjoy your baby!

[busyboysmum]

Best would be if we all stopped judging each other whatever age we decide to have our kids and just support each other.

I'm an older mum - had my kids at 32, 35 & 42. I don't give a shiney shit what age anyone else has their kids. Bugger all to do with me.

What I did was right for me. Just be happy in your choices and ignore the tittle tattlers..... mind you this comes easier with age 😉

[EurusHolmes]

Slight derail but why on earth do mumsnetters think being young equates to living a wild exciting party girl life?

Who can afford that??

I'm 23 and scraping to pay the bills every month. I have no money to go out or travel.

[EurusHolmes]

And I have no kids, but that doesn't mean I am able to go backpacking around Thailand at the drop of a hat.

[EurusHolmes]

I'm sorry about your baby OP ❤️ I think there is so much judgement for young mums

[PostTruthEra]

Erus I agree! Even as a uni student, I didn't really like clubbing and was more likely to be working/studying on evenings, and weekends were often spent travelling to see my now DH, family and friends.

[Mrsglitterfairy]

I consider myself to be a young mum, I was 22 when I had DS1 and 25 when I had DS2 and DH (then dp) is 3 years older than me. When I told people I was expecting ds1 (who was planned) a few people actually asked me what i was going to do about it and what did my boyfriend say?!
I love being a younger mum, when DCs are both 18, DH and I will both me in our 40s and able to all of the things we 'missed out on' when dcs were young.
On the other hand, I know people who have waited until they were in their mid-late 30s before starting a family and they say it is the best thing for them as they wanted to do more when they were younger.
I say each to their own when having children, you could be 18 and very mature and ready or 38 and not ready at all. As long as you love and care for your child, they dont notice age.