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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if he's such a 'supportive' dad, get him to fucking do it

32 replies

Secretservice · 05/02/2017 10:35

I probably am, but god I need a rant!

DS (16) filling in a personal statement-like form has to name someone who has been a positive influence in their lives and why. He immediately says, 'that'll be you then mum' 😇 But in the next breath, 'and dad too.' Through gritted teeth I agree. But I'm howling inside.

This 'dad' hasn't seen or been in touch with him in over a month because DS hasn't had a match.

The form was for a private 6th-form option for sports mad DS, which I have spent hours researching, paid application fees for, been 5-hour taxi driver for interview.
Dad's sole contribution? 'Psychic once told me DS would be a famous sportsman' -so presumably if it's pre-ordained the fucker can just sit back and wait for it to happen

This dad has paid about 7/8 months maintenance for 3 teenage DCs in the four years we've been separated, because he's above working for the man. While I work full time with a 4-hour round commute to pay the mortgage, feed, clothe and keep DCs warm and try to facilitate their dreams.

😡 And breathe

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AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 10:37

I think your son's hesitation said it all, tbh

TwentyChews · 05/02/2017 10:39

Flowers. Though I read his statement as him trying to be fair/not show favouritism. He has done it a bit clumsily - and maybe inappropriately. But think of it that you have done a great job at bringing him up - first thing out of his mouth is the truth. He has then amended it just to be "fair".

Dad was an after-thought. You, you are his rock. Not sure if what I am saying is making sense. Have a cuppa Brew

TwentyChews · 05/02/2017 10:40

Ah....see AF says what I was trying to say in one line Grin

KC225 · 05/02/2017 10:41

Agree with Any. The 'and Dad' was a diplomatic add.

Good luck

TaraCarter · 05/02/2017 10:44

Note he said you first immediately. Naming father was an afterthought, probably because he thought he should! I'm not surprised you feel angry- your ex sounds like a shit- but it's not your son's fault he feels obliged to pay lip service to his father's contribution. Thinking "my dad takes no interest in me, unless it suits him" is a bit of a hard thing to compute at 16.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 10:44

Yes the "and dad" was diplomacy and a but of teenage rose tinted glasses. Ultimately he knows who the positive influence is

TaraCarter · 05/02/2017 10:45

Cross-post with er, everyone.

Original poster
Secretservice · 05/02/2017 10:47

I hope you're right AF.
I know, deep down in the vestigial rational part of my brain, that they need to be able to see their dad in the best light, but it's the equivalency that really pisses me off. WE ARE NOT EQUAL. I AM VASTLY THE SUPERIOR PARENT.
So there!

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Rugbyplayersarehot · 05/02/2017 10:47

Agree with all the above. He knows love he knows and will keep on understanding and knowing more the older he gets.

You are a super mum Flowers

BarbarianMum · 05/02/2017 10:48

Having split loyalties is no walk in the park. Neither is accepting that one of your parents is fundementally not that bothered about you. Give your son a break.

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 10:49

He knows :)

StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 10:50

But I do get it. It's insulting to you to even try to maintain the pretence. The facts speak for themselves. But he isnt thinking like that I promise.

TaraCarter · 05/02/2017 10:51

Your son clearly doesn't see you as equivalent. He just still feels guilty for not seeing you as equivalent. Hopefully, for both your sakes, the day will come when he can think, "it's not favoritism on my part, it's me recognising my dad is a bit shit, and that's on him not me".

AnyFucker · 05/02/2017 10:52

He is 16. He gets it as much as he can right now.

Wolfiefan · 05/02/2017 10:52

You may need a rant but I would take it as a huge compliment. He named you. He maybe thought you would remind him of dad if he didn't say him too. So despite everything you clearly don't bitch about his dad or try and turn him against his father. He knows you are fair and kind and respects that. He doesn't want to disappoint you.

Original poster
Secretservice · 05/02/2017 10:53

That was a completely unintended show of favoutism to AF! 😳 Too busy trying to post in caps on phone to notice all the other replies!

Thank you all. I know it's part of the ideal Mother's job description to go unacknowledged, but sometimes it's nice to hear nice things!

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StealthPolarBear · 05/02/2017 10:56

Who do you think he'll tell first when he gets in?
Who do you think will hold his child first?
(In quite a few years I assume!)

Original poster
Secretservice · 05/02/2017 10:57

Barbarian mum I hope you don't think I said any of this to DS! That's what MN's for!

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Original poster
Secretservice · 05/02/2017 11:00

wolfiefan he is both fair and kind, and I am immensely proud of him and his sisters (usually!)

You know, possibly the saddest thing about this is that his dad will never know that he was cited on that form

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Kookypants · 05/02/2017 11:00

You know that snowflake term that people hate, your ex sounds like one. You're a wonderful inspirational mum and he knows it.

eosmum · 05/02/2017 11:01

Sorry I have to disagree with not telling him how shit his dad is. Time and again I read here how the DC will always know who was there for them and they will figure out the "Disney Dad" when in my experience it hasn't happened. Two very good friends are both going through hell after giving up everything for their DCs when abusive partners left, the adult DCs are barely in contact with them and fully in contact with the Dads. One friend has had a complete breakdown and the other has never met a grandchild. but the wonderful dads are still gods in their DCs eyes. Neither Dad paid one penny throughout the childhoods, only went to matches so all could see how wonderful they were, had clothes that could only be worn in their houses during the rare contacts, expensive presents to be left in their houses etc. bad mouthed the mums to the DCs continually fed them lies the mums took the higher ground, only to be left like this by adults.

StarOnTheTree · 05/02/2017 11:01

WE ARE NOT EQUAL. I AM VASTLY THE SUPERIOR PARENT

I love this ^ Me too OP and I get exactly where you're coming from. There is a situation with DD2 at the moment and my XH has jumped on the bandwagon as her caring, doting father when the reality is very, very different. DD2 knows this and I'm sure your DS does too.

Original poster
Secretservice · 05/02/2017 11:06

I've just realised wolfie I misread your post, you said I was fair and kind 😳 Thank you

stealth that baby best be decades away! He has recently bought home his first proper girlfriend 😄

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BarbarianMum · 05/02/2017 11:06

No I know you didn't/ wouldn't. But I did wonder if you think the day your ds acknowledges the truth about his df will be a great day. It won't - he may well spend years thinking it was something fundemental in him that caused his father's disinterest (I wonder how much his passion for sport is driven by wanting his dad's approval). He may also worry that he'll turn out like his dad when he marries/becomes a father.

Sorry if I'm way off. I know it must be frustrating for you. But I've been in your son's place (only science, no sport Smile) and its it's a painful road to walk.

Original poster
Secretservice · 05/02/2017 11:09

Those poor women eosmum, but I can't be the one that tells him

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