to think if he's such a 'supportive' dad, get him to fucking do it

[Secretservice]

I probably am, but god I need a rant!

DS (16) filling in a personal statement-like form has to name someone who has been a positive influence in their lives and why. He immediately says, 'that'll be you then mum' 😇 But in the next breath, 'and dad too.' Through gritted teeth I agree. But I'm howling inside.

This 'dad' hasn't seen or been in touch with him in over a month because DS hasn't had a match.

The form was for a private 6th-form option for sports mad DS, which I have spent hours researching, paid application fees for, been 5-hour taxi driver for interview.
Dad's sole contribution? 'Psychic once told me DS would be a famous sportsman' -so presumably if it's pre-ordained the fucker can just sit back and wait for it to happen

This dad has paid about 7/8 months maintenance for 3 teenage DCs in the four years we've been separated, because he's above working for the man. While I work full time with a 4-hour round commute to pay the mortgage, feed, clothe and keep DCs warm and try to facilitate their dreams.

😡 And breathe

No, I don't think that'll be a great day barbarian. It really saddens me that any of my children should be made to feel that way about their dad.
And I have wondered about the sport-equals-dad's attention equation, but at least it has meant there has been some contact. His older sister has very few shared interests so sees her dad even less

You son knows, OP. You won't ever tell him but you don't need to. He knows.

I can't remember the last time I came so close to tears reading Mumsnet.

Perhaps it's a tribute to the upbringing you have given him that he would feel bad if he left his Dad out. Also sport = Dad's approval, and Dad's approval is hugely important to his self esteem at this age, however crap the Dad is. And this form is for the school - imagine not only admitting to your teenage self that the Dad who contributed half your genes is crap and uninterested, but putting that down for the school you want to get into to read!

Of course you are indeed the superior parent and thank goodness we have MN to say something like that.

'the day will come when he can think, "it's not favoritism on my part, it's me recognising my dad is a bit shit, and that's on him not me'

^^ This. Ex-h rented a 2 bedroom flat so he could 'be near the children'. He chooses to see them on one overnight stay a week. He lives 5 fucking minutes away. He has an easy job. I don't. I work full-time, maintain the house (of which he owns 50%) and am full-time child carer. He has them for a nice time. I do all the work. Pisses me right off that somehow we need to keep up the pretence that he cares and loves them very much. He can't be arsed to attend parent evenings; choir performances - never asks if he can share more of the workload. To me, if truth be told, I don't think that's love or care. I just don't.

Aww kinglooie don't cry, if only because that'll be two of us!
I'm actually very lucky I can still provide for them all, with or without his help. And it is very much his loss.

Newyear am in a similar position and for a long time it made me very resentful and bitter, I have managed to let go of it now for the most part although every so often ex will say or do something which brings some of those feelings to the surface again.

DS 1(16) has not seen or spoken to his dad since he was 12, his way of protecting himself I suppose from the realisation that his dad was crap. Although it was really difficult for a while I sometimes think DS2 has had the harder road to travel coping with his dad moving back to the UK and having a new family where he hasn't always felt welcome. It is shit and I feel bad that I chose such a poor role model for them. for all of you with crappy selfish exes.

Yanbu

You are the superior parent and the superior person.

I dont subscribe to sugar coating it when it comed to absent fathers. I think it does far more harm in the long run. Kids need to know they can trust one parent to be honest.