Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my HBU or was this man re. DD in changing room?

58 replies

crazywriter · 05/02/2017 00:41

DH took Dd1 (4) swimming. I was home with DD2 as she was napping. I've been mulling this over because DD is angry and upset that this happened and isn't sure he wants to take DD1 swimming on his own again.

So the story he's told me:

Got into the changing room to get into swim stuff. A guy (let's call him Bob) was in there. No problem. They got dressEd and. Into the pool.

Came back after to find Bob in the shower without the curtain pulled over. Bob was naked and instantly told DH to get DD out as it was the men'seeking changing room. DH says he asked the man to pull the curtain to the shower across if he was that bothered about a 4yo being in there. DH got DD dressed while the guy continuously ranted about a girl bring in the men's changing rooms while he was naked and that the mum should have been there to deal with this. Then he said they should have waited outside for him to finish (wet and cold)

DH didn't think anything of taking DD into the changing rooms at her age. I wouldn't think of it if I had a 4yo boy. Whenever I've been in a changing room and a mum has had her DS in there, I've just got on with my own thing.

So now DH isn't sure he wants to take her back and isn't sure if he was in the wrong. There's no signs but the general rule when I've been in gyms is under 7 and they go with the parent rather than a changing room of their own sex. DH didn't feel that comfy about letting DD go into the ladies on her own in case something happened (like she fell down the stairs on the way in) or she had trouble with her swimming costume.

So was DH BU for not waiting or was the man BU for not pulling the curtain over and getting so uptight about a 4yo (who has no care in the world aboutility what others do) being in the changing rooms. I think the man but I'm happy to be told otherwise and have to go with DD all the time.

OP posts:
Shiraznowplease · 05/02/2017 06:49

He sounds like a complete idiot, think if I was your dh I would have reported him to the pool staff. I work weekend so my dh takes my dd (5) to swimming lessons and has never ever had a problem.

Iris65 · 05/02/2017 07:08

The man was VU!

RoganJosh · 05/02/2017 07:15

All the pools I've been to say that children over eight should go in the right changing room.
Of course a four yr old can't get changed on their own.
So if I, as a female, had two boys, 2&4 , I can't take them swimming during the week? I'd have to make my husband go? That's obviously ridiculous.

Your poor OH.

ImageQueen · 05/02/2017 07:15

Of course the man WBU.
He could have pulled the curtain but chose not to.
Your DP needs to see this guy was an arsehole and go back to enjoying swimming with his daughter.

Oh dear, I should not read these things this early on a Sunday morning!
All I read for a minute was
"Your DP needs to see this guy's arsehole!
BlushGrin

BikeRunSki · 05/02/2017 07:17

The man was being ridiculous.

This is an ongoing problem for parents of opposite sex children, where old swimming pool buildings can't accommodate family changing rooms. I have an 8 year old son, it was worried me a lot.

The usual rule is that children over 8 need to use the same-sex changing room, I think this is fair enough, but my goodness it was a wrench the first time DS did it! It has taken a few weeks of lost/forgotten goggles etc for DS to get his act together, but he's pretty good at the actual getting changed bit now. I still worry about what might happen to him in there.

Under 8 I would not expect a child to get themselves changed, clothes put away etc.

Could you ask the pool staff to clarify what the policy for children's changing is? And to display a notice in the changing rooms saying this?

FrancisCrawford · 05/02/2017 07:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BingoBingoBingoBango · 05/02/2017 07:32

The man was being a dick. Of course I'm going to take my 4 year old with me! I would never leave him unsupervised in the men's changing room.

GnomeDePlume · 05/02/2017 07:36

Obviously the man was wrong.

Worth raising it with the management so that they can put up signs to remind patrons that at weekends children over 7 should be in the 'correct' changing room and that there will be children under 7 of either sex in the changing room with their parents.

SemiNormal · 05/02/2017 08:10

DH got DD dressed while the guy continuously ranted about a girl bring in the men's changing rooms while he was naked and that the mum should have been there to deal with this. - some children don't have mums, should they therefore not allowed to go swimming! The man was obviously being a complete arsehole. Definitely ask for signs to be put up if there aren't any already and if twatman says something again then report him.

Thinkingblonde · 05/02/2017 09:30

The man sounds like an exhibitionist who likes to 'put on a show'.
Your four dd spoiled his fun and, rather than quietly getting on with the job of showering, he made a huge fuss, thus drawing attention to himself.
He was the unreasonable one, not your DH.
I'd bring it up with the management of the pool and ask for a notice to be put up stating that children up to aged eight of the opposite gender to their parent or guardian are allowed to use the changing rooms.

Sunnysky2016 · 05/02/2017 09:45

In our local pool 7 and under go with a parent- either sex. They are only allowed in on their own once they are over 7. So the man in the shower was being unreasonable-
Your husband was not in the wrong at all .

TarragonChicken · 05/02/2017 09:51

Children are only allowed at the weekend

I wonder if this is actually quite relevant. Did the man resent children being allowed in at all and therefore seize on your dd being in the men's changing room as something he 'could' complain about.

I agree it was appropriate for your dd to be in the men's changing room with your dh. Confused at the suggestion he should have asked a member of staff to go into ladies' changing with her.

CasperGutman · 05/02/2017 11:39

The man was NBU to shower with the curtain open. That is quite normal in a men's changing room at a pool or gym. Usually there aren't even any curtains provided, and in at least one place where I have seen them they were added as an afterthought in response to a specific request from a man with specific personal and /or cultural reasons for wanting privacy.

He was indeed being an arse to complain about your DD being in the changing room aged 4 though. That is to be expected, and if he didn't like, he it he should stick to the 5 days a week when children aren't allowed in.

millymollymandy82 · 05/02/2017 11:45

As if you would let a four year old get changed on their own - ridiculous! What a nasty man. Feel sorry for your DH

kali110 · 05/02/2017 12:29

He was bu to be such an arse to be so nasty but it's horrible to insinuate that this guy has a fetish just because he showers naked Confused
Woman at my pool do it

barinatxe · 05/02/2017 12:40

The man was being an arse about it but a lot of men would be uncomfortable about being naked around a stranger's child. He didn't need to be so abusive about it though.

You should ask the pool's management what their policy is - are children of the "wrong" sex allowed in changing rooms if they are with a parent of the "right" sex, and if so until what age. Then if this "Bob" character is there in future your partner will be able to inform him of the rights and wrongs of it. Either it is allowed, and the man was being unreasonable, or it's not allowed so your partner was.

EB123 · 05/02/2017 12:50

Bob was being unreasonable. Fair enough if he felt uncomfortable but he had the option of using the curtain if that was the case.

embod · 05/02/2017 13:08

What a ridiculous man! He was being VU.
DP regularly takes his 5 yo daughter swimming and has never encountered a problem.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/02/2017 13:13

Bob's a knob!

BastardBloodAndSand · 05/02/2017 13:13

The man was an arse hole but then again men are understandably paranoid these days 😕

MommaGee · 05/02/2017 13:17

lot of men would be uncomfortable about being naked around a stranger's child
men are understandably paranoid these days 😕

Then Bob could have drawn the curtain. I suspect as Sauvignon surmised, Bob is a Knob

BantyCustards · 05/02/2017 13:23

Bob was not only unreasonable but also pretty sexist to assume mum must be around at all times and available to ensure his personal preferences are pandered to.

mambono5 · 05/02/2017 13:25

The man is an idiot. I hate people (women, I am female) who think it's ok to parade naked in changing rooms, I don't want to see them, but I just pretend they are not there. Civilised places should have cubicles anyway. Most people are an unpleasant sight, but it's a free country.

No parent would leave their young kids alone .I take my 10yo boy with me in the changing rooms. I wouldn't leave him with strangers or a bunch of teenagers in a separate rooms. They can get changed by themselves a lot younger, but they stay with me in public places.

joystir59 · 05/02/2017 13:44

YANBU at all. I cannot imagine any normal adult reacting like this to the presence of a 4 year old child. As far as I am concerned we all have a duty of care to all children- to treat them with respect and kindness always. The man's reaction was abnormal.

Original poster
crazywriter · 05/02/2017 14:13

Thanks everyone.

I think I will say something about notices. We checked with staff when we joined and they said at the girls ages there wouldnt be a problem. I couldn't imagine letting her go in alone mainly because of the stairs leading into the ladies changing room. Also she'd take forever to get dressed and would probably run into the men's naked looking for DH when clothes are inside out and she can't do anything. She's still learning how to dress herself!

I'll talk to DH and see what he thinks about mentioning signs being put up.

OP posts: