Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mother in law - Kept sssssshhhhhing the children

64 replies

3sonyesiknow · 04/02/2017 21:39

I have 3 sons. My mother in law lives 4 hours drive away. I went up recently (on my own) for the weekend and she spent the whole time telling my children to sssshhhh. I get that she lives in a top floor flat and was worried about her neighbours hearing them run around / playing. What can I do? I want to tell her to suck it up and if we visit they will make noise! I took them out for walks and to the park as much as I possibly could. She even restrained my 2 year old son to stop him being too loud. :-( As I have sons myself I want to show them that both sets of grandparents are equally important but it is so hard when we are constantly sssshhhhed! I don't fancy being in a hotel with the kids not to mention the cost. Help!

OP posts:
FindoGask · 04/02/2017 23:27

"I agree that you get used to noise too but mildly doesn't see them much and if it's for a couple of hours after a long journey she needs to make more of an effort."

For a couple of hours, sure, but OP said she was staying there all weekend. And I very much doubt the MIL literally did spend "the whole time" telling the children to shush. I would imagine, as these things usually go, that she started off doing her best to be tolerant but then got progressively less so as the weekend passed.

user1477282676 · 04/02/2017 23:39

It's sometimes VERY stressful living in a flat with a neighbour downstairs. Ours used to cry to me at my door because of the noise....and we TRIED very hard to be quiet!

We moved out after a year as it was intolerable for my children who are, I promise you, quiet, older girls....just the sound of an 8 year old carefully walking on cheap carpet was bad for my neighbour.

If one of them had a friend over and that friend didn't know to be careful, they would run across the floor or even bounce a ball and I'd cringe.

Your MIL was very worried by the sound of it.

Bantanddec · 04/02/2017 23:44

Why should she 'suck it up' poor mother in law still has to live there when you and your noisy kids have left!!

Mirador · 04/02/2017 23:46

Just as an example of noise in flats, I used to live underneath a guy who had a dog.
I heard everything. I do mean everything. From him taking off his shoes via the push at the heel method, to him washing up, I could hear every step he made on his floors, so I would know when he got up, when he went into his lounge, kitchen etc. I could hear him pressing the switch for his gas fire, him coughing, his phone calls, sometimes even exactly what was said. His dog even from a puppy I got to hear every paw pad, his claws click clacking. The barking doesn't really count because you'd hear that in a house too.
I could hear every floorboard creak.

I would even be woken up by the sound of him peeing (why do some men aim deliberately for dead centre of the water in the bowl).

Yet whenever I was in his flat, which was carpeted, you couldn't hear most of these things. The dog would walk on the carpet and you couldn't hear the claws. Same with the guys footsteps, nothing.

It really was like chalk and cheese, and made me realise that sound is a funny old thing. Now I live above someone else, I remember that my neighbours will hear my sounds differently to me.

Maybe your MIL is over worried about noise, but we never know fully about sound until we hear the other side.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/02/2017 00:19

Like most things in this life. There are two sides to this. She's worried about upsetting her neighbours. You go home. She has to live there. However its unrealistic and unfair to expect children to sit bolt right and quiet for hours on end. Even in the wildest of anyone's dreams that ain't going to happen.
So I don't think the arrangement of you going to visit her is working. Could you not take her to yours or go out with her and the children for the day to the park for example.

LucklessMonster · 05/02/2017 00:24

Good for her. She sounds very considerate.

What harm do you think it does your children to have to play quiet games for a weekend rather than running a car over a wooden floor?

SallyLeStrange · 05/02/2017 00:28

I think childrens noises can be rather irritating if you are not used to it all the time, just saying

BlackeyedSusan · 05/02/2017 00:35

can I borrow your mil?

living in a flat is difficult. you can hear loads, noise travels. she is probably trying to be nice to the neighbours.

it may be better that she travels down though . sounds a lot of being still/quiet for the little ones with the travelling and the flat.

Morsecode · 05/02/2017 02:57

I would be mortified and would be shushing them myself instead of looking to be offended by the poor woman. YABU.

TheStoic · 05/02/2017 05:52

YANBU. I wouldn't visit her there again. Doesn't sound like it was enjoyable for you, your kids, your mother-in-law, or her neighbours.

TataEs · 05/02/2017 06:06

honestly i wouldn't go again. not whilst they're little. it just sounds stressful for everyone.

Redglitter · 05/02/2017 06:44

My last flat had a couple living in it but she babysat her young nephew a lot. I could hear everywhere he went as he ran on the wooden floors. Playing on his bike and running toys on the floor was a hell of a noise

She was in my flat one day for something and heard her partner and the wee boy come in. She looked absolutely horrified when she realised how much noise travelled and asked if it was always like that. I said it was. She had her entire flat carpeted within a fortnight. Smile

Itwillbefine · 05/02/2017 06:57

When my boys (8 and 11) go to my parents flat they are really twitchy about them making too much noisy, no running up and down the hall etc. It irritates me because I think they're being far too considerate but it's their flat.

AutumnalLeaves38 · 05/02/2017 11:26

Tricky one, OP,

Can well understand how your good intentions to strengthen bonds between your DC and MIL (incl the 4hr travel) might start to feel unappreciated, if you're all made to feel too inhibited and on edge. Not very nice for you or her.

If PPs' suggestions (more frequent visits to you instead, or basing yourselves at local b&b etc.) aren't viable, it'd be a terrible shame to miss out on good times together due to both sides developing simmering resentment.

You've not said otherwise, so I'm assuming your MIL's generally fair? Do you feel she'd meet you half way on working out a compromise?

E.g. Yes to her DGC always wearing slipper socks inside, no shouting or wrestling competitions at Granny's, and that you'll ensure loud letting-off-steam play sessions stay outside at the park, but yes to her also accepting that your 2 younger ones' ability to self-regulate volume is limited(!), that it's natural for them to be active and exploring, and that if it occasionally gets too much for her, even once you've taken every reasonable step to prevent such, might she enjoy an hour's respite in her bedroom with a good book and ear plugs? Or a short walk alone?

Agree with PPs that there's quite a disparity between her normal routine as single older lady, quieter lifestyle, conscious of thin walls/ neighbours (who might have complained), versus 3 young children's perfectly natural (but unfamiliar to her) chaos and exuberance!

On a practical note, perhaps it's also a matter of re-framing it in the kids' minds: rather than the idea that Granny's no fun and stops us from playing (which I imagine would hurt her deeply), why not instead make a big deal out of enjoying special quiet toys and activities, which Granny loves (and will no doubt join in with?) during a visit?

Softer, less noisy versions that won't clatter and echo throughout:

bubabloon.co.uk/products/bubabloon-colour-in-with-washable-markers (no worry about choking hazard for the baby, either, as it keeps any burst pieces safely within).

Interactive, quiet fabric books. Another example here (As sophisticated or as simple as each DC requires. There are some brilliant ones to buy, though many are Hellishly expensive...but good project for making, if you/ an obliging friend enjoy crafts.

Even better if MIL herself is handy with a needle, and keen to help?
She'd then feel she's directly encouraging the end result of occupied, 'quieter' DGC, and they'd have a wonderful, personalised, hand-sewn gift from Granny. Win-win).

I Spy bags are a great distraction for over 3s . Easily bought, or good DIY step-by-step here

Foam jigsaw pieces for the floor will absorb noise. And good old Aquadoodle mats are always a mess-free activity standby! Storage space minimal, so MIL could stash both of them under a bed between visits?

Good luck Smile

New posts on this thread. Refresh page