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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mother in law - Kept sssssshhhhhing the children

64 replies

3sonyesiknow · 04/02/2017 21:39

I have 3 sons. My mother in law lives 4 hours drive away. I went up recently (on my own) for the weekend and she spent the whole time telling my children to sssshhhh. I get that she lives in a top floor flat and was worried about her neighbours hearing them run around / playing. What can I do? I want to tell her to suck it up and if we visit they will make noise! I took them out for walks and to the park as much as I possibly could. She even restrained my 2 year old son to stop him being too loud. :-( As I have sons myself I want to show them that both sets of grandparents are equally important but it is so hard when we are constantly sssshhhhed! I don't fancy being in a hotel with the kids not to mention the cost. Help!

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 22:19

I lived in an apartment block with hard floors. I didn't think anything of it when I first moved in. It was really big, my DS had a trike I let him ride indoors, and all the usual blocks, cars etc. One day when he was asleep I heard a little rattle from upstairs, like a spoon being dropped. I realised that hard floors and apartments are a nightmare for sound. I'd had no idea! My downstairs neighbours must have hated me. Hopefully they were at work in the day, and we were quieter in the evenings when he was asleep.

I don't know if there were carpets, but toys on floors can be pretty noisy.

My tip for a future visit? Choose quiet toys- stuffed animals, puzzles, colouring etc. Maybe even a soft ball. Keep their shoes off, it really makes them so much quieter.

It must have been really frustrating for you!

user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 22:29

Downstairs flat dweller here. Its very noisy. Not sure what woman upstairs is doing right now, but she is in the kitchen above my head. Banging and squeaking noises, and I can hear the television as well. I can hear every footstep.I can tell she's got hard shoes on.

I rarely complain, because I prefer to live in a noisy environment where we don't have to worry too much about our own noise, but if I insisted piece and quiet she would need to change her living habits quite considerably.

I think you just don't understand how quiet you have to be in a QUIET block of flats.

Make sure your children learn to be quiet at Granny's house. It won't hurt them, they will be able to do it, many flat dwelling children do. t is just an aspect of visiting that they will have to learn to accept. and so will you.Its not a big deal.

HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2017 22:29

Neither of you were being unreasonable. You are used to the boisterousness of 3 small children and she isn't. It sounds like her flat isn't really a suitable environment for you all to stay in for more than very short visits.

You could stay in a budget hotel for a weekend. Or maybe you could stay self catering nearby a couple of times a year, with your H, and make a holiday/short-break of it. And then invite her down to you sometimes as well. Give her a chance to cope with the noise without worrying about her neighbours.

BonnieF · 04/02/2017 22:32

It sounds like Grandma was trying to be a considerate neighbour. Perhaps the person in the flat below is a shift worker who is asleep during the day?

Kids need to learn that there are times when they can run around and make as much noise as they want, and there are times when they have to play quietly. This visit being the latter.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 22:35

but if I insisted piece and quiet she would need to change her living habits quite considerably.

You could insist all you like. But chances are you'd be whistling dixie.

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/02/2017 22:41

OP it's really unfortunate if your MIL is unable to accommodate the noise your children are used to making. I don't think it's reasonable to be irritated at her, she's probably just trying to be considerate of her neighbours. But at the same time I don't think a two year old pushing a car along a floor is unreasonable behaviour, and stopping them doing it because others won't tolerate normal indoor play is a bit unreasonable. That sounds totally fence sitty, but what I mean is - your MIL has different norms she is used to, the noise is obviously outside those norms and she isn't adjusting to the fact she has children in the house and those norms ought to change. That isn't unusual. It's hard for us to adjust sometimes. But I think you should have talked to her about it there and found out whether there was a special reason for it, how much she realised what she was doing, and if she could be more flexible or find some other ways to mitigate the noise that wouldn't end up making your DC feel like they were always doing things wrong.

There's no point being annoyed by it if you haven't addressed the issue with her. If she doesn't think she can accommodate normal play I would be tempted not to take them again while they're young. Invite MIL down often, but don't put your DC in a situation that they will probably end up resenting. It's unlikely to make for a good relationship with their GM, not to mention being miserable for you.

AliceInUnderpants · 04/02/2017 22:43

One of them was 2 a minute ago?

No, no, I think 2 is the number of children she has based on previous posts. I hope the six year old can't read her MN account; she seems to want to talk about his penis.

AtSea1979 · 04/02/2017 22:46

No OP def said restraining a 2 year old. Maybe it was their birthday recently.

RacoonBandit · 04/02/2017 22:47

hope the six year old can't read her MN account; she seems to want to talk about his penis.

pinkhousesarebest · 04/02/2017 22:47

This reminds me of a place we used to live over the least tolerant couple ever. I was ironing one night and they banged the ceiling with a brush as the ironing board was squeaking....And then ds learned to walk. Awful.

AliceInUnderpants · 04/02/2017 22:48

Sorry, some of the sarcasm must have been lost when I copied that from my accidental posting it on a thread about Sainbury [bush]

AliceInUnderpants · 04/02/2017 22:49

OH MY GOD

BLUSH

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 22:49

No OP def said restraining a 2 year old. Maybe it was their birthday recently.

Obviously celebrated his birthday between OP's first and subsequent posts.

She did say in OP she had three sons though.

user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 22:51

You could insist all you like. But chances are you'd be whistling dixie

what I mean is her going about her normal living makes a level of noise in breach of the tenancy agreements, but having said that, i can cope with it, and would rather cope with it than complain,

none of us manage to keep out level of noise strictly within the limits of the tenancy agreement here, and luckily we all agree that we can all make this level of noise, and we can all live with it.

I prefer to hear the noise of others around me than to worry constantly about my own noise.

However, not all communities within blocks of flats are going to settle for this level of noise, many would want far less.

( tenancy agreement states no noise what so ever audible after 10pm, but can clearly hear upstairs neighbour on rowing machine she got for Christmas!... So far she has kept to her NY resolution of 20 mins per night - I'm very impressed!_ but not going quite so fast tonight as yesterday, I think)

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 22:55

what I mean is her going about her normal living makes a level of noise in breach of the tenancy agreements

That sounds like a draconian tenancy agreement if no noise whatsoever after 10pm.

It doesn't really sound workable in that someone getting up to go to the loo in the middle of the night and accidentally knocking something on the floor could constitute a breach of the tenancy.

But hey, nice tenancy agreement if you can get it!

thisgirlrides · 04/02/2017 23:00

...or maybe she has 3 children but like a lot of us changes minor details such as children's ages/sex, places etc to avoid being outed and then forgets which version she's using 😁

HerculesMulligan · 04/02/2017 23:01

We live in a second floor flat that's uncarpeted. The woman who lives in the flat beneath travels with work, so I'm more relaxed when I know she's away, but our 2yo is used to being asked to play on our thick sitting room rug instead of on the bare floorboards early in the morning, and he understands that we can't do jumping or dancing at 8am because some people might still be asleep. She isn't a shift worker, so I'm much less concerned about noise he makes between about 10am and 7pm, when he goes to sleep, and that seems ok with her. I don't think your MIL is being unreasonable at all.

MommaGee · 04/02/2017 23:03

Whilst I can understand why ypi think its unfair when they can be as nosiy as they want in your property, she's top floor in a social housing block and the noisy reverberates. Especially is she has laminate. Add in arsey neighbours and it means a letter off the landlord about noise nuisance and breach of tenancy for having people staying over.
In future I'd invite her down to you and say you understand how it's not suitable to have three young boys there.
No it isn't easy to tell a 2/3 yo to sit quietly for hours, and probably not the 6 yo for hours either. Add in a crying baby and I think it would be incredibly stressful for you

BaileysAddict · 04/02/2017 23:03

To be fair, there are a lot of Mothers out there that seem to think "kids make noise" so they just let them be as loud as they like. Problem is, kids need to learn respect. And you as a Mother need to learn to have respect too and to teach your kids to respect the environment they're in and the people living around them. It should not have been down to your Mother in Law to have to shush them! You should have taken them into another room, sat them down and explained to them exactly why they needed to be quiet and what the consequences would be if they weren't. Sounds like you just sat there sulking??

However, if your boys were very quiet then yes, your Mother in Law was a bit paranoid. I would invite her to you next time?

gandalf456 · 04/02/2017 23:04

Had this when mine were small. Particularly the youngest going through difficult phase. I revolved to avoid people like that til it passed

user1484226561 · 04/02/2017 23:11

But hey, nice tenancy agreement if you can get it!

I think it's fairly standard.

Woman upstairs has now turned on the kitchen light, and is doing washing up.

The point I'm making is the OP may well have absolutely no understanding of how sound can travel through a block of flats. I can hear the lights being switched on and off.

FindoGask · 04/02/2017 23:15

I think parents of young children can, understandably, develop a higher tolerance to background noise than other people. My mum loves my girls (now 6 and 9), but I know she struggles with the racket they can make sometimes when we're visiting. It's just a comfort level thing, and I agree with others that if your mum is in social housing she'll be acutely aware of how thin the walls are and how noise carries.

gandalf456 · 04/02/2017 23:19

I'd hate to live in a flat. I agree that you get used to noise too but mildly doesn't see them much and if it's for a couple of hours after a long journey she needs to make more of an effort. Children can be annoying but equally the older generation can be grumpy ice my mum's anything to go by

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 23:19

I think it's fairly standard.

I think it fairly isn't.

I live in an old tenement building. Buy to let flat above. Stripped floorboards in their flat. Zero soundproofing.

The past 8 years have been a succession of tenants thumping about in boots, dropping things, running around in outdoor shoes, vacuuming the floorboards, dragging furniture across the floorboards at all times of the day and night. Constant impact noise.

The landlords definitely didn't have anything about total silence after a certain time in their tenancy agreement. As far as they were concerned, so long as their tenants weren't playing loud music at 3am that was all that mattered. Said loud impact noise at all hours of day was just part of "modern living".

Local council agrees with them. Classifies impact noise, regardless of how loud and what time, as part of daily living (unless it's being done maliciously).

You sound very fortunate with that TA, imo.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 23:21

Woman upstairs has now turned on the kitchen light, and is doing washing up.

I take it turning on the kitchen light and doing washing up isn't a breach of the TA, just because you can hear her?

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