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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need perspective...DH hobby related

105 replies

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:22

Married 16 years. Two DC. DH has always gone to football every Saturday and often a week night too (home and way games) , + every European championship and every World Cup since we have been together.

Over the years I have pretty much accepted it. He is a pretty great husband and father. He is self employed and works mostly from home during the day (I work full time) and he does an equal share of childcare, ferrying kids around etc.

If I want to go out with friends, he happily has the kids (although this is not often - I had a weekend away last week for a friends 40th and before that hadn't been out since mid December).

Housework - he will put on a wash, do the dishwasher, swish around the kitchen with a cloth and happily cooks 2 or 3 nights a week, but the heavy duty housework is left to me as he has low standards and doesn't notice it.

We get on well most of the time. He is kind, caring, funny and respectful. But suddenly, this football hobby/obsession is really starting to hack me off...and I don't know if I am being a mardy arse or not?

I just feel trapped by it. I can NEVER go out on a Saturday unless its booked in months in advance. It feels like he goes out on the piss all day and night every Saturday while I basically shop, cook, clean and mind our DC. He also has to work 2-3 weekday evenings out of the house (not set days) so its tricky to socialise or have a hobby outside the house/gym etc during the week.

Am I being a princess? I don't know. He is a lovely bloke in other respects. I was ill this week and he waited on me hand and foot, for example. But its this regime of every Saturday off he goes...most weeks he is off to footie one night too...and I am dictated to by his regime. Arghhhh. AIBU?

OP posts:

OneWithTheForce · 04/02/2017 19:59

My dad had an all consuming hobby before I was born and as I grew up. There was me and my sister 17 months apart and mum worked nights. I don't know If they ever had a conversation about how it would work after DC were born but what happened was that we just had to go with him. Every evening, every weekend. If he had an event we had to go. There were rare occasions were it just wasn't possible for us to go and I'm assuming my mum was happy to have us on those occasions. I remember being jealous that I wasn't with him. I wonder if you're DH could adjust how he enjoys his hobby to incorporate the DCs into it and allow you time to develop your own hobby?

RainyDayBear · 04/02/2017 20:22

I grew up with a father who did this. Even if it was an occasion like mine or my mums birthday he would still go. I think you're right to have a conversation and say you'd like him to cut back a bit and have more balance and family times at the weekend.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2017 20:24

" I can NEVER go out on a Saturday unless its booked in months in advance."
Have you ever raised this with him? That his choices restrict your choices?

blowmybarnacles · 04/02/2017 23:41

YANBU.

When does family time take place if he is off every Saturday,? How do you arrange holidays if he has his own annual leave taken up by european cups and word cups? If he were employed, that would be much of his allocation taken up.

You have been taken for a mug and have condoned it.

No social life on account of fucking football? I'm fed up it being on the bloody radio all day!!!!

Happily cooking, swishing round with a cloth, WTF? That frankly, is fuck all.

You need to sit down, work out the household jobs, childcare and free time and take it from there. How you have put up with this 70s 'football uber alles' shit is beyond me.

blowmybarnacles · 04/02/2017 23:44

Oh, and strugglingstepdad do tell how what he does is loads, we are all dying to hear that.

TwentyChews · 05/02/2017 10:29

So, have you had "the chat?"

Cherrysoup · 05/02/2017 10:38

12 hour boozing on Satirday means he is not safe to drive on Sunday morning. No way would I let him drive my DC the following morning! That's appalling, regardless of his lack of hangover.

Trifleorbust · 05/02/2017 10:53

One of the few non negotiables in a marriage is childcare - someone has to look after the children. It isn't fair for one person to carve out a whole day in the week for fun where the other person has to cover their responsibilities and they can never do anything. Of course that is unreasonable.

Msqueen33 · 05/02/2017 11:07

He does way more than my dh who seems to think just working is enough.

But dh's friend was like this. He had a season ticket and also went to away games and such. We figured she exchanged that for the handbags and designer clothes and she was always professing how much she adored him and we said how amazing she was to put up with all his sporting stuff. Then she started telling him she wanted to do more stuff for herself (they have three young kids). They split up earlier this year.

I think it's hard to be completely equal in a relationship when there's only two days in the weekend and getting enough time for yourself but he's being selfish. Couldn't he go every other week? And why the drinking? They're his kids to and you're not his personal childcare whilst he goes out to suit himself.

scottishdiem · 05/02/2017 11:26

Yes you need to have a chat if it's grating you because it will grow to resentment. Was there stuff you have up to have the kids that you'd like to take on again? Or is there stuff you want to do together? No summer international football this year (unless he supports a team that has foreign tours every summer).

That said, you need to watch for how he reacts to any changes. If his life is around you, your family and football then diminishing one of those can create depressive thoughts. All of what he does at football will happen without him but he will still know it's on, what the game was like, where it was etc and may be upset at being excluded from doing something he's done for many years.

You could ask him to cut out the longer distance away games if that's something he does to free up some Saturdays as well as the longer trips to freindly games in summer.

TheNaze73 · 05/02/2017 11:40

I can't see a reasonable compromise here

Msqueen33 · 05/02/2017 11:51

Yes it's very sad when you can't do what you want and you feel you're missing out but he agreed to a family. Resentment is never good in a marriage and a compromise would be every other Saturday which seems fair enough. Otherwise what? OP has Sunday to herself and they never spend time together as a family?

ChristianGreysAnatomy · 05/02/2017 11:55

Fuck all that "too late to change" crap. What rubbish. Tell him you want one/two Saturday's out of four to yourself, whatever you think is fair or fair enough - and then enforce it. Get out of the house. Go!

ilovesooty · 05/02/2017 11:57

I'd still be interested in the hobbies and social networks the OP is interested in developing.

gleam · 05/02/2017 12:03

Online shopping, a cleaner and babysitters will free your time on a Saturday and enable you to go out on regular nights during the week. I think you said money wasn't too much of a problem, op?

If the Euro/World stuff happens in cities you fancy going to, can't you all go. He could go to the football and the rest of you enjoy a change of scene/culture.

As for the weekend, doesn't he want to spend more time together?

OlennasWimple · 05/02/2017 12:08

There can't be many men in his social circle still going out on all day benders, are there? Or is he finding new ones to join as everyone drifts away from that lifestyle with family commitments?

greenfolder · 05/02/2017 12:12

There is a reasonable compromise though. One out of every 3 Saturdays he doesn't go. Out of interest do all his buddies go to every game? Do they have partners and kids? Or in actual fact do they go to some? My dfreiend had a v similar situation rugby. When it actually boiled down to it her dh was the only one with a free pass to take the piss. All of his buddies did not go to every match. Only him with a selection of people who could make it.

IdaDown · 05/02/2017 12:17

Do the DCs have hobbies/interests?

What would happen if they did (on a Saturday?). Would you have to ferry them to & fro or only one DC get to have the interest if they clashed?

Silentplikebath · 05/02/2017 12:40

A football match is only 90 minutes. Why does he need to be out all day and night for a home game? My DB goes to every home game of his team and he's only out for a few hours each time. He's almost always available to go out on a Saturday night unless it's a late kick off. The away games are watched on TV unless they are fairly local.

Going to world cups, euro championships and season tickets must cost a fair amount of family money. Does this have an impact on your lifestyle, op?

Ameliablue · 05/02/2017 12:51

Yabu and I disagree with the idea that because this has been happening for years it can't be changed now. Life changes and you change your routine to match. It wasn't a problem before but is now so perfectly reasonable to change things now.

barinatxe · 05/02/2017 12:56

YABU, you can't allow a situation to develop over the years and then decide it's unfair of him to do what you have allowed him to do. He sounds like he makes a great contribution to the running of the household. His hobby is football, wanting to spend a portion of his free time on that is perfectly acceptable. Football is not on all year round, you know.

araiwa · 05/02/2017 13:02

i'd ask him to chill out on the all dayer aspect of it every week and perhaps some of the away games but it seems a bit unfair to ask him to stop completely a thing he has been doing since before you were together.

dont you or the kids fancy going to a game?

Oysterbabe · 05/02/2017 13:09

I think the away games too is too much.
DH has a season ticket and goes to home games with his dad. I wouldn't want to prevent him doing this as he doesn't have the best relationship with his dad and it's nice they can have this thing they do together. I wouldn't be happy if it was every weekend. Can you compromise and say home games only?

JamieXeed74 · 05/02/2017 13:13

Problem is that you have let situation carry on for so many years. It should only be every other sat and you get the same if you want. But maybe a compromise would be that he only watches the game and not the 12 hours drinking every time.

I also think its unfair to say you do all the heavy duty housework. You choose to do more cleaning because that's what you like doing. It does not mean DH has low standards.

Ameliablue · 05/02/2017 14:08

I also think its unfair to say you do all the heavy duty housework. You choose to do more cleaning because that's what you like doing. It does not mean DH has low standards.

Really? It didn't sound as if he did his share of the basic housework, which he should whether or not she enjoys housework.

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