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AIBU?

Need perspective...DH hobby related

105 replies

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:22

Married 16 years. Two DC. DH has always gone to football every Saturday and often a week night too (home and way games) , + every European championship and every World Cup since we have been together.

Over the years I have pretty much accepted it. He is a pretty great husband and father. He is self employed and works mostly from home during the day (I work full time) and he does an equal share of childcare, ferrying kids around etc.

If I want to go out with friends, he happily has the kids (although this is not often - I had a weekend away last week for a friends 40th and before that hadn't been out since mid December).

Housework - he will put on a wash, do the dishwasher, swish around the kitchen with a cloth and happily cooks 2 or 3 nights a week, but the heavy duty housework is left to me as he has low standards and doesn't notice it.

We get on well most of the time. He is kind, caring, funny and respectful. But suddenly, this football hobby/obsession is really starting to hack me off...and I don't know if I am being a mardy arse or not?

I just feel trapped by it. I can NEVER go out on a Saturday unless its booked in months in advance. It feels like he goes out on the piss all day and night every Saturday while I basically shop, cook, clean and mind our DC. He also has to work 2-3 weekday evenings out of the house (not set days) so its tricky to socialise or have a hobby outside the house/gym etc during the week.

Am I being a princess? I don't know. He is a lovely bloke in other respects. I was ill this week and he waited on me hand and foot, for example. But its this regime of every Saturday off he goes...most weeks he is off to footie one night too...and I am dictated to by his regime. Arghhhh. AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

RNBrie · 04/02/2017 17:44

We have a bit of a joke in this house that when we had dc I gave up my career, financial independence, body, and personal freedom and all my husband gave up was his season ticket.

Nonetheless, he gave it up.

I don't think you are being unreasonable op. I'd sit him down and tell him how you feel. A better balance would be every other weekend although I think it's going to be hard for him to accommodate, he sounds obsessed. Try not to end up asking him to choose you or the football, explain to him how you feel and how him spending more time with you will be good for the while family.

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:44

'Not' football season races by. Every couple of years its the Euros or WC, so thats a fortnight/month away. In between times, he will often go to 'ore-season friendlies' (sometimes abroad) or conference league matches. He is obsessed.

I do realise it gives him joy. DH without football wouldn't be DH. But its excessive, isn't it?

OP posts:

melonribena · 04/02/2017 17:45

When he works in the evening, does he also work all day as well?

Costacoffeeplease · 04/02/2017 17:46

For me, it would have put me right off from the start, I cannot abide man children who are completely devoted to football. However, you have tolerated it so he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong

What would his reaction be if you asked him to dial it back a bit a lot?

EweAreHere · 04/02/2017 17:46

Well, if you really want to know how you feel about it and how he would feel about it if you had a hobby that mean you had a get out of housework/childcare/drudgery free card one full weekend day every week, then tell him for the next 6 Sundays, you'll be off doing 'x'.

Doesn't matter what it is, you'll be out. He'll be on his own.

See how it goes for both of you. Don't back down. If he complains, he's an arse, because that's exactly what he's been doing for years. And you probably won't be adding drunkness, meaning possible uselessness the following morning, since you know you have to go to work. So it still won't even be quite the same.

Just go out and do things you want to do. Go to museums. Movies. Take friends with you. Bring a book and read in cafes. Just let him be the go to parent/housekeeper/drudgery person on Sundays, and he has to do the food and laundry and whatever needs to be done, just like you would do.

Lilaclily · 04/02/2017 17:48

So when do you get a fortnight or a week away with no kids ?

Can't believe you've put up with this for 12 years !

What happened when you had a newborns, very young dcs?

AnyFucker · 04/02/2017 17:50

You knew what you were letting yourself in for, disn't you ?

I am not saying you should not change things, you absolutely should.

But this happens such a lot. Women think men will change when the babies come along. They don't and for some reason the women let it slide.

That's the bit I don't get.

Keeptrudging · 04/02/2017 17:52

Do the DCs ever stay at grandparents/friends? You could go out on Friday nights. Do you ever go out together, get a babysitter? YABU to expect him to stop his main hobby now after putting up with it from the start. You need to do something for you, he doesn't sound like a bad guy, it's you who is bored.

Kbear · 04/02/2017 17:53

if he's always done it and you've never minded it's a bit rich to start minding now and not actually discussing it with him - he sounds like a good bloke - why not have a conversation with him about it? He might surprise you. If he adamantly refuses to change his plans that's another story but you need to give him the chance at least no?

Floralnomad · 04/02/2017 17:54

The thing is you needed to have the conversation years ago before having children / getting married , if my DH had said to me pre wedding that my horses would be an issue we wouldn't have got married , maybe your DH would have been the same about his football .

Mulberry72 · 04/02/2017 18:01

I have a DH exactly the same OP.

I got to the point where I thought "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em". I actually now look forward to the matches, the travel to Europe etc, DS is old enough to come with us and it's great. I can also now hold my own in more or less any football related conversation.

Not suggesting for one minute that my approach is for everyone, but it worked for us.

Kai1977 · 04/02/2017 18:06

I'm not sure I agree that because the OP put up with it before it's a bit rich complaining now.

People and relationships change. What might have seemed acceptable to the OP when they first married might not be acceptable any more.

Floralnomad · 04/02/2017 18:10

That's absolutely true , people do change but for some people some things are not up for debate and that's what the OP needs to consider ,but only she knows her DH .

GeekyWombat · 04/02/2017 18:10

When do you actually get to spend quality time together doing fun things, either as a couple or a family? Do you think that is an underlying part of it?

FWIW, this would really hack me off too, although I appreciate the precedent is already set. How do you think he would react to redressing the balance / reducing the amount of time spent on his hobby?

TheSmurfsAreHere · 04/02/2017 18:10

I'm in two minds about it.
Use yu have accepted it until now so it would come as a big shock to him that suddenly it's not good enough anymore.

But then things aren't the same anymore. As yu said yourself, things have changed. It's not the same for him to go away every Saturday when you had no dcs or when the dcs were little than now
Yu Veg basically reached a stage in your life where you want more 'me' time and this ain't happening because he has taken it all already.

So I would have a chat with him. Not in a 'I can't stand you going to football anymore' but in a 'i want time for myself to do xx, what can we do so that it happens?'
And put the ball in his camp.
Yu are allowed to want time for yu Self, doing your own hobby. That time should be there for you in one way or the other.
If there is no space during the week because of his work and then so space at the weekend because of his hobby, then he needs to make space.

I have to say, I wouldn't have accepted it for so long either.
But now that it is an issue, you have to approach it because otherwise you will grow more and more resentful and this will destroy your marriage. There is nothing worse than feeling taken for granted.

rollmeover · 04/02/2017 18:14

I would be saying home games only, so that's every fortnight. That feels like a compromise to me.

NotYoda · 04/02/2017 18:14

As I read your OP, I was thinking that it's what you later said - it's because your children are now older and you put up with being the default carer when they were younger when maybe you didn't want to get out more, but now a time is coming when your relationship with him will become more important, and your freedom to do what you want to do.

I think it's understandable you've changed your view of things.

I can't bear the way football seems to take priority (it did so with my brother and my dad), so I wouldn't have agreed to it before.

jelliebelly · 04/02/2017 18:15

Bit difficult to change now tbh.

Purplebluebird · 04/02/2017 18:18

I would be annoyed, and say no, about my other half going out every Saturday. He goes out every other Saturday instead. But I think it's probably a bit too late to change it now...

NotYoda · 04/02/2017 18:21

Why is it too late to change now?? Because he's a man, because it's football?

He sounds like a decent bloke. If she asks for compromise, then hopefully he'll listen

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 04/02/2017 18:22

I think that's fine, he has Saturday and you can have Sunday. It would be different if you had something you wanted to do on Saturdays.

DameDeDoubtance · 04/02/2017 18:27

I am amazed that someone said that he is doing loads, you both work and he does a lot less than you but he is deemed to be doing loads. Why is men's work and time valued higher than womens? The set up is ridiculously unfair.

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YouTheCat · 04/02/2017 18:28

So if he has Saturday and she has Sunday, when are they supposed to have any time as a family? What about when there's a Sunday match?

DJKKSlider · 04/02/2017 18:33

thats a fortnight/month away

I would strongly suggest you have a personal holiday somewhere hot all on your own. A month should do it.

Whilst you're away you can decide whether things in your life are really fair or whether he's just talked you into believing they are.

Start by figuring how many hours you work each, then assigning house work tasks to make it even. Then, once all the housework is soerted between you, then you can look at free time division and ensure you both get the same.
Draw up a nice rota, hand it to him and ask for his feedback.

FannyDeFuzz · 04/02/2017 18:40

Of course it isn't too late to change. He doesn't have to go every single week does he? Since when does having a hobby mean giving it the same constant amount of time and effort through out your entire life

As a PP said,if you were to announce all your Saturdays for the foreseeable were booked up and he had to do childcare, what would his reaction be?

I think you're mad to have put up with it in the first place, though this would be a deal breaker for me. Football is great fun, and both my dad and DH are moderate fans, but I couldn't live with the sort of devoted super fan who will put everything else on hold because their team is playing and they want to watch a match. An ex boyfriend of mine refused to accompany me to a family wedding where I was bridesmaid once, because he'd miss watching "the game" on TV.... That was his choice, but I also realised it didn't exactly fit in with what I wanted from a relationship...

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