Dd not invited to party's: reception class

[socialengineering]

My dd is not being invited to class mate parties, even though she invited everyone to hers and is now becoming upset.

I KNOW that this sounds petty and parties are expensive, everyone has the right to choose etc, that is not the issue I am debating, but I feel so bad for her as she is upset and has started asking why they don't invite her

My question is, AIBU to ask the teacher if she is not getting on with people for a reason? Or will I look like 'that' parent?!
If she is being mean or difficult I can help her work on that iykwim. She is very shy and I just want to help her feel secure and make friends.

DD had her first proper birthday party when she was 3. I invited the whole of her nursery class (30) because I didn't want anyone to feel left out and I am an idiot. I got a Magician, hired the church hall, a proper bunfight it was. (I did this because my first DD, her older sister has severe SN and I think I got overexcited and carried away at being able to do 'normal' stuff for my second DD) If everyone there had invited her to theirs she should have been going to a party at least every other week. As it happened, she wasn't invited to any and I was gutted. Thankfully, at only 3 she was too young to register it but it taught me to be a bit more selective when she actually started in reception. I would invite about 10 and usually do soft play, and even then there were not so many invitations back. I think some kids just have family parties, and others don't have one at all, and some have just changed allegiances by the time their party comes around. I remember her being upset when she was overlooked for parties and of course I felt her pain in the pit of my stomach. At those times I'd get a couple of her other little uninvited friends and take them out for a jolly (apologies to those who hate that term). We'd go for an hour in the local park playground, then to a Disney themed kids café we were lucky enough to have in our town, at a very reasonable cost. That usually took the sting out of it. Having said that, it's quite painful at the time, but as other pps have pointed out, it's a part of life we have to learn to deal with. Children have to learn to deal with disappointment or they will flounder when they get older.
I'm not sure how helpful this post is. I suppose it's more reminiscence than solid advice.

If she is as you say quite shy could it be that many of her better friends are in the younger half of the year so parties are still to come? We found the younger kids in DS'S class to be a little quieter so perhaps this is the case?

The other thing to consider is are these parties actually happening? My DS and his friends made up stories of parties quite a lot, inviting each other to non existent but rather elaborate does!

Sounds like you're doing everything right op. She's very young, it'll be ok

Over, that was helpful thank you!

I perhaps feel it as keenly as she does, because of her difficulties and have to harden myself as well as her.

I think YWNBU to talk to the teacher about this. I have spoken with my DS teacher about this sort of thing as he is very shy and finds large groups difficult and she has been lovely and supported DS in joining in. Don't worry about looking like 'that' parent. There's nothing wrong for raising a concern and asking for some help.

DS is y1 and doesn't get many invitations. I don't know if there are more selective parties or people not having parties. He's the kind of quiet child that's quite well liked, but tends to have a couple of more focused friends- one of his best friends is several months younger so we've not reached his birthday yet. They also have working parents who spend little time near the school gates. Many of those with SAHMs clustered together from their nursery days, and those with working parents and went to private childcare are a bit separate.

We've done two class parties. His birthday is at Christmas so I'd rather invite a large pool in order to get a party's worth of children as people are busy that weekend. Also last year, after one term of being at school (and me working with no chance of getting near the school gates), I had no idea of who was in his class. DS couldn't tell me names, so I just had to write "classmate" 29 times! This year we managed to name them by working through the class photo as a prompt.

It's work a general chat about friendships with the teacher. Generally, as long as they've got company that they are happy with, a small core of good friends is perfectly fine- they don't need to have a large circle of friends. However, it is a shame when larger events like parties draw their attention to something they feel that they are missing out on.

I feel your pain OP.

Dd will be 7 this year and so far has only been invited to 3 birthday parties in 2.5 years of school. Two were the same kid (her best friend), and one was a whole class party. She has noticed that other people don't invite her.

I've spoken to her teachers and they assure me that she gets on fine with everyone. But they obviously don't like her enough to invite her.

I know it sounds petty but this year I am really going to resent forking out a load of money for a party for a bunch of kids who I know won't invite dd back. Especially as many of the parents are too rude to even bother RSVPing. But dd absolutely loves having parties, so it's her who will miss out. Sad when pretty much the only experiences of childhood parties she has are her own parties.

Sorry, no advice, but I know how you feel.

I can understand why you're upset. Kids that age change their friends so often that IMO, if money allows it, the whole class should be invited. We just had a whole class party and every party since September had also been whole class.

I've spoken to her teachers and they assure me that she gets on fine with everyone. But they obviously don't like her enough to invite her

That's not always the case, at the start of school one of my DDs was being left out of a lot because a bunch of mums were matey from preschool and they socialised together and their kids invited each other by default! Her teacher told me that my DD was actually closer with 2 of those kids than the other kids who belonged to the mum group, but they just invited each other's kids for outside of school stuff. Thankfully that eased up in year 1 when a few of the girls who were "default friends" fell out and the mums had to change their ways a bit

Definitely talk to the teacher. In Reception they should have a good idea of who is playing with whom and can let you know if your DD is ok.
Re parties: most parties were all-class in reception as it was the 'done thing' and seen as polite by parents. As the years progressed they became smaller although we often shared with DS as one of his bfs was born v near him so it saved money. I think if your DD is being left out of whole class parties then I would be concerned, but if they were small, maybe she's quiet and gets overlooked?

I don't blame your dd for feeling hurt especially when its her friend. If its a random child. That's she's never played with then, That's different. You don't expect to be excluded from your friends party. I mean how many threads do we see on here. Aibu to feel left out, and. We're fully fledged adults, so. You can't expect a 4 year old to just "suck it up" as some would say.

Rather than focus on the parties, get feedback from the teacher re her interactions with other children and her friendships. Do you talk to your daughter about who she is friends with etc?

No one at her party will have felt special as it was a 'whole class' gimme gimme gift fest play date.

You sound nice . You don't have to buy a present if you don't want to...!

OP my DD had a while class party recently, she'd only been to 1 in the while of reception up to then. What I noticed was several of the new parents to the school were unsure of the protocol in so far as would it be ok to stay for example. I was a bit paranoid before (as DD is a 'character' ) but I honestly don't think big parties are happening in her class that much. Tbh it was worth having a whole class party just to meet a few people!

And for smaller parties at that age its more likely to be about who the mum's friends are.