Dd not invited to party's: reception class

[socialengineering]

My dd is not being invited to class mate parties, even though she invited everyone to hers and is now becoming upset.

I KNOW that this sounds petty and parties are expensive, everyone has the right to choose etc, that is not the issue I am debating, but I feel so bad for her as she is upset and has started asking why they don't invite her

My question is, AIBU to ask the teacher if she is not getting on with people for a reason? Or will I look like 'that' parent?!
If she is being mean or difficult I can help her work on that iykwim. She is very shy and I just want to help her feel secure and make friends.

[user1484578224]

It seems very young to be worrying about friendships?

[Mehfruittea]

I read THAT parent and asked, because the boy who was having the party was someone my DS played with all the time. It turned out invites had been given to the teacher who gave half out and put the rest in a shelf. I asked a week before the party, very nearly didn't and the mum was horrified. She said she had wondered why she'd not had many rsvps.

And I did a whole class party this year as Reception and new school, beginning of the year, Sent DS in with 29 invites, class of 30 including him. Decided to print them without names (didn't know them all and thought it would be confusing to try and match up to right kids). He came back with 4. Argh!!! I still have no idea who didn't get one and who thinks their kid wasn't invited.

[snowdonstreet]

Been through it with my eldest. It's shit. Just help her to manage it and understand and make nice special time out you and her. Sorry to say this but for mine it continued throughout primary school :( A few invites here and there, but nearly always left out. Heartbreaking. I found being mattter of fact about it and not showing you are sad helps.....

[MewlingQuim]

I found there was lots of big parties in September when DD started school as everyone tried to make friends, but after Christmas the number and size of parties was much smaller, perhaps the parents get fed up with them (I know I began to crave peaceful weekends at home and DD was shattered). If the same happened at your DDs school perhaps it has nothing to do with your DD at all, she just happened to have her birthday in September.

Also if she has social anxiety big parties are probably quite stressful for her, babe small group playdates would be better for her anyway? Why not invite someone over after school?

[MewlingQuim]

Maybe not babe

[Mulberry72]

My DS is in Y5, last year his party was limited to 10 children who were a mix of school and sports team friends. I had a Mum from school text me to complain that her child wasn't invited and that I shouldn't invite sports team friends as it was unfair on his school friends! I had to tell her that DS has chosen the invitees and I was sorry if her child was upset, she went on a right old rant and now refuses to speak to me.

I'd gently enquire with you DDs teacher if there are any issues, and if they are full class parties I'd be upset too, if they're not full class parties then I'd explain to your DD that sometimes we don't get invited to everything. I hope your DD is ok xx

[TinselTwins]

Do you organise playdates? arrange for kids from school to come to tea? help out with pick-ups when other parents are stuck? If you don't then you mignt not be at the forefront of parents and kids minds when making lists for small parties..

To be 100% honest, when it comes to small (but expensive per head ) parties I tend to invite the people who I know will RSVP, because I have their numbers and we regularly arrange things with… DDs may have other friends they get on well with at school, but if it's 5 kids for £12 per head kinda thing… I wanna make sure its people who will get back to us and DD isn't left with nobody showing up and I get a bill for £60.

It's not necessarily about her, sometimes you have to put in a bit of legwork to be "visible" for out of school invited. 1 party invite from DD isn't really going to go very far re building relationships/contact networks with the other parents

OP it gets even worse once the parties become "sleep over" parties in later years - most parents won't wanna do sleep-overs involving kids whose parent's they don't know well.

For the early primary years, the kids social life can be dependant on the parents puting in the ground work

Depends on the class of course, some year groups are much more "all class party" orientated than others, can be luck of the draw. One of my DDs was in a class that never did all class parties (a tiny handful did once or twice) and it was always 5 kids taken somewhere or sleepovers. And people tended to invite whoever they did playdates with as it's just easier to arrange.

[insancerre]

Are you sure this is about your daughter and her anxiety and not you?
5 is very young to be diagnosed with anxiety and to be bothered by what other people are doing
I do think its your job to help her deal with not being invited to parties
Its unrealistic to expect to be invited to everyone's party

[Baffledonthisone]

I wondered the same but after my gift fest comment I didn't think it would be well received. If she didn't know anyone yet, why even have a party? Sounds like social engineering to me.

[NoCleanClothes]

If you read OP's post she's not complaining that her DD isn't invited or considering confronting the mums involved she just wants to approach the teacher and check if her DD is socialising well with the other kids or whether she might need some help. I think this is totally reasonable. If her DD is shy it might wok better to find out who her best friends are and invite them for playdates - maybe she'll do better in small groups.

[reallyanotherone]

She's 5 and has "diagnosed anxiety"?

[5moreminutes]

If her party was later in the school year I would have encouraged her to in its only ppl she liked myself, so I am in not moaning that she isn't invited. Only that she is upset and how o should tackle that.

I think this is fair enough; assuming you are not upset that she is not being invited to every party but rather want to know how to stop her being over sensitive or too easily upset?

Has she been invited to any parties at all, or to play at other children's houses if not to parties? I think the answer to that determines how you discuss it with her and whether you need to "do" anything to help her make friends.

[Magzmarsh]

Why are you being so horrible baffled? Having a whole class party at the beginning of your school life is neither "a grabby gift fest" nor "social engineering " it's a perfectly normal way of getting to know your classmates. Your weird interpretation of it says a lot more about you than the op 😕

[reallyanotherone]

Sorry pressed post to soon.

O/p are you putting pressure on her to make friends, asking who she played with, trying to make her friends with kids you see as desirable friends?

I am an introvert. Quite happy on my own, playing with certain friends who were easy to get on with.

I developed social anxiety as my mother was always trying to engineer my friendships- whole class parties, inviting certain children she thought were suitable. I really couldn't be doing with it, and got really stressed as i knew my mother had told me to ask x to play, or to play with a rather than b, and i just didn't want to be making approaches to kids i didn't have much in common with. But i knew she'd be disappointed if i didn't and think if i didn't have lots of friends it was because i was unlikeable.

Stop worrying. Stop trying to help her make friends or thinking she's shy. She'll get there by herself.

[NoCleanClothes]

Sounds like social engineering to me.

Seriously? Lots of four year olds will have been to birthday parties and want to have one themselves. Why should she not be allowed a birthday party because she's shy and her birthday falls early in the school year? As for social engineering - if you mean helping a little child make friends - is that not OK? You seem to have an incredibly cynical attitude to little kids birthday parties - surely most people have them so they're DC can have a nice day and help build on friendships not to "socially engineer" or "gift grab". Come on!

My DD had trouble making friends in reception so I had a word with her teacher who suggested some girls that might be a good fit and I invited them for playdates. My DD did better in small groups so this worked well, once she had more confidence she was ale to expand her social circle on her own.

[insancerre]

Nocleanclothes
I assumed the op would already be meeting with the teacher and working together considering the child is diagnosed with anxiety
If she isn't, then she needs to be

[NoCleanClothes]

insancerre Definitely, meeting the teacher sounds like a good idea. I don't think I'd mention the birthday party invites - just concerns about anxiety and the fact her DD feels she's not liked.

[socialengineering]

Thanks for everyone's opinions.
Just to clarify, I'm not complaining that she hadn't been invited, questioning if she should have been or anything of the like. Simply if I should ask the teacher if she is engaging with her peers or if this would make me appear difficult. Because if her anxiety it is a genuine concern.

She has post traumatic stress disorder, yes she is 5, no I'm not going to comment on why.

I changed my name to 'socialengineering' as it seemed highly appropriate to my post!

[insancerre]

Yes, of course you should ask the teacher about her social interactions in those circumstances

[TinselTwins]

It's not unusual

My most popular/sociable DD has gone months with no party invites and I've begun to wonder about how she's doing at school.. then in summer term we're getting 4 per weekend.. sometimes they come in clusters.

Also a lot of ex-pat communities do more multi-generational birthday celebrations with family and friends of the family and don't invite school friends at all, then obviously there's the smaller parties.

My quieter DD has opted for family day trips some years instead of parties and just hasn't had one full stop! (did have lots of fuss, but we went somewhere of her chosing as a family) .

[lljkk]

Fine to ask the teacher.
Agree it's not unusual if she started school knowing nobody. Especially if her parents don't know the other parents.
My eldest went to few parties in R-yr1 because I didn't much connect to other parents.

[MewlingQuim]

Yes I would check with the teacher on how she is getting along with her classmates, that is a completely normal thing to do, isn't it? I certainly do that with my DD, I dont think I'm unhinged much

As for the parties, as PP have said it may be more to do with how you are getting along with other parents than how your DD is getting along with her classmates. I am shy and socially awkward and have been very lucky to have been approached by some friendly mums to make playdates for our DC, I would normally find it very difficult to approach strangers and invite them home, but I am trying not to let my hang ups affect DD and so agreed to all invites regardless of how I felt. Now DD has quite a few close friends and I know the parents well enough to feel comfortable with them. DD has a far better social life than I have

If you have not been lucky enough to have been invited you may need to be brave and approach some parents to arrange playdates yourself. Have a chat with her teacher and see if you can find out who her closest friends are.

[socialengineering]

Yes her school are so supportive and I trust that they would bring anything to my attention. Although I would never mention the party invites as the reason for me questioning her interaction, I just feel checking in with them might be an idea as she feels upset. If they don't know, then they can't they can't help etc etc.

She goes to school groups and has play dates and as several of you have suggested, copes better in small groups.

She herself had a class party at the very beginning of the year, because she wanted one. We also wanted to get to know parents outside the playground setting, which I myself find quit daunting!