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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect parents to help me out more or less equal to my sibling.

49 replies

shutthefrontdoooooooor · 04/02/2017 15:04

Yes, I'm jealous.

My parents live close to my sister and kids. They babysit them ALL the sodding time. Sister and brother in law (who are not short of cash and live the life of riley) are always on holiday, long weekends away, nights out, coffees with friends, off to the gym. I live like a nun. I am single. 2 kids. Never get a minute on my own. If I so much as want to go to the dentist, I have to either bring the kids or swap a favour with a friend which obviously I have to repay. Sometimes I don't have the energy to do this.
I would so love to plan a night out.

When I invite my parents up, they are always too tired as been a busy week (quote unquote) to come up and visit me. Mostly because they seem to be the third and fourth parent to my sister's kids. It's a few hours by car. When they do come up, I want to see them anyway and feel guilty so don't go out then either.

AIBU to think they should try and be more equal? They come up maybe twice a year.
AIB even more unreasonable to feel spitting angry at my sister for her yummy mummy life and hogging my parents energy? If she didn't ask so often, perhaps they'd visit me more. My two would love to have their grandparents around.

I am 35 and feel like a spoilt child thinking this. God, but it does piss me off though.

Will I be doing this to my kids in the future without realising it?

OP posts:

measles64 · 04/02/2017 15:07

You had it in the first sentence, they live close to your sister and children. It is hard when family are not nearby. You have to build a solid network of friends, grit your teeth when it is your turn.

dementedpixie · 04/02/2017 15:07

Maybe you shouldn't have moved so far away. It obviously easier to see your sister if she stays closer. Do you go to visit them?

Namesarehard · 04/02/2017 15:07

Have you told them how you feel?

Goondoit · 04/02/2017 15:08

I'm sorry you feel like this...
It must be hard and it's likely your parents don't even realise especially if they live so close to your sis it's probably easier to see her and her kids than travel the journey for you.
In a way it's impossible to be equal as like you say it's a bit of a journey between you so in that instance yabu if you moved closer do you think they'd help out more?

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 15:09

But its easier when u live nearby. Pil always helping me out for and hour here or there. Sil rarely gets any help as she live an hours flight away, mil still works, so they don't see her much

pikapoo · 04/02/2017 15:10

Have you tried telling them outright that you could really use more of their help? Unfortunately if they're kept busy by your sister's kids , it could be "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" when it comes to your kids.

But I think YABU to resent the comfortable life your sister and BIL have built for themselves.

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 15:10

How old are your parents. Mine are I their late 70s they find the travel to me very tiring so wouldn't expect a night out when they are here.

Sirzy · 04/02/2017 15:10

If you live a few hours away then of course it will be different

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 15:12

Me and sil have talked about this uneven balance. She says it's fine as she hose to move to another place and hose to stay there to have the baby knowing she wouldn't get much help from pil. We moved to live near pil when we started tying for a baby so we would have family back up

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 15:14

The reality is they are closer to her and her children, both geographically and emotionally, everything is easier with proximity. They know the children well enough for it to be no big deal to be responsible for them. They can help out with little effort as they are so near- pop in on the way past, drive home after babysitting etc.

It's not favouritism, it's convenience.

You could tell them how sad you are that you live so far away and your DCs miss out on that kind of relationship. How often do you stay? How old are your DCs? Could they go for a week in the school holidays?

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 15:15

When they are old and need help, she will get the larger share of the caring duties, so it will come around.

Original poster

shutthefrontdoooooooor · 04/02/2017 15:18

yes, I do most the visiting. Half the time my sister drops the kids round and goes off to catch up on some housework and while it is nice to have the grandchildren all together, I end up always having children around.

I think they know I am jealous but don't really have much ability to imagine how limited my life can be. They're not big thinkers so don't really stop and think how my life is mostly work and kids. Too busy going out for dinner and nights away in the case of sister and family and my parents like having grandchildren close by so have them frequently.

I appreciate we moved away but imagine that if one of mine moved away, the other not, I would try and be a little more equal handed. I also feel like screaming at my sister to stop filling up their every spare moment as if they weren't always around, they might have more energy to come up and visit. Parents are 68 and 70 but fit and well so it's not like they are unable to make the journey.

OP posts:

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/02/2017 15:21

My DS and family live a 300 mile round trip away, My DD and DGS live a few miles away and l see them very regularly and spend much more money on them in bits and pieces, drinks, lunch, outings etc. What l do is save certain coins for my sons DC. and when they visit it can be up to £50 each and l take them out on a little spending spree with their money. I dont save anything for my Dd or DGS but she understands why l do this and that l give her lifts regularly (she doesnt drive)and pick up bits of shopping for her here and there and so on all of which l dont do for my son etc for both reasons. Everyone is happy (well they seem so) but maybe your parents haven't really thought it through as much as me and l suppose you could broach it but like you say it sounds like jealousy etc. l wish l had some constructive advice but maybe be honest with them you've nothing to lose. I would be mortified if one of mine felt like this.

MsMarvel · 04/02/2017 15:22

I think this is just one side of them living closer. What might also be happening is your parents being able to ask your sibling to pick up mail, water plants when they are away etc etc

Your parents can rely on your sibling more than you due to the fact they are closer. So you sibling also has the benefit of this geographically closer location

Bahhhhhumbug · 04/02/2017 15:23

for OBVIOUS reasons not both

Original poster

shutthefrontdoooooooor · 04/02/2017 15:33

picklemepopcorn - ha. I will comfort my jealoous pants with that thought!

bahhhumbug - it's good to hear a grandparenting view.

I bet half the responses about it being more convenient are from people who live within a few miles of their family. I see it is more convenient and obv don't expect it to be completely equal but a bit more support would be great, all the more so as I am single. Wonder which one of you is my sister??

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 04/02/2017 15:35

They're not big thinkers so they can't imagine how your life is mainly work and kids?? Seriously? Why don't you move closer if you want them on hand for babysitting, instead of expecting them to do three hours journeys to babysit?

Xmasbaby11 · 04/02/2017 15:38

I think they should try to be more equal especially since you sound more needy of support. I don't blame your sister although it's selfish of her to take take take. It's up to the parents not to play favourites and not overcommit to one daughter.

With the distance you need to plan ahead..why not say you want to book tickets for x and could they babysit. At least 1 or 2 months in advance.

londonrach · 04/02/2017 15:40

My dsis the same but they live in the next village its easier for them to pop over as i completely understand. After babysitting at my dsis they get to go come to their bed.. Yabu. Travelling wears people out and then asking them to baby sit on top is too much. Is there any chance you could move closer

KC225 · 04/02/2017 15:50

Is there any chance the children can go for a couple of days holiday at their grandparents. Both my MIL local and Mum in the UK refuse to spend the night away from home but are happy to have the children stay over. Maybe if you explained how you are feeling, they could arrange a long weekend or a few nights over the half term

Roomster101 · 04/02/2017 15:51

I am in a similar position but I think it is just one of those things. My parents don't like travelling either but one thing they do to try to see more of my children is look after them for a few days a their house in the school holidays. I don't know what age your children are but is that something your parents might consider? It would give you a bit of a break.

EweAreHere · 04/02/2017 15:51

I wouldn't be so sure your sister will be taking care of your parents when they're older and need help, OP. She sounds like a taker, not a giver.

stitchglitched · 04/02/2017 15:58

I don't think you can expect your parents to do less for your sister so they have more energy to visit you. They can still sleep in their own beds and not have to travel hundreds of miles when helping your sister. They probably also get something positive from having family nearby and seeing grandkids regularly. It is very unfair to expect them to change that because you choose to live so far away.

SallyGinnamon · 04/02/2017 16:00

I understand your upset OP. But it can go both ways.

My ILs are very close to my DC but have only seen their Canadian GC 3-4 times. They aren't very fit and flights over and insurance are prohibitively expensive. They are really sad about this but BIL hasn't brought them over although they'd be delighted to have them if he did.

Maybe you could 'book' a few days in the school hols and let your DP have your DC in their own home and get to know them properly. They're obviously capable of looking after children. It would be a win win IMO. Then you could do a MN spa day or whatever you want with your free time.

Original poster

shutthefrontdoooooooor · 04/02/2017 16:02

floggingmolly, you miss my point entirely. I don't want them to come to babysit (though that would be nice). I want them to stop babysitting my sister's kids so much as leaves them too tired to come and see me and boys.

As I said in my post, my kids would love to see them more.
And as I also said, when they do come up, I want to see them so don't get out then either.

Talk about an unnecessary flogging.

OP posts:

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